The Wicked Carnival
by ThePlotMurderers
Summary: The Baudes and the Quags find themselves in the middle of barren wasteland,where secrets are revealed, lives are lost, and terrible, yet hilarious things occur all around them.  Fourth Book in A Series of Queer Events
1. Chapter 1

The Wicked Carnival

Disclaimer: For the forty-second time—yes, I did the math—we do not own ASOUE!

A/N: Welcome, one and all to BOOK 4 OF A SERIES OF QUEER EVENTS! It's a pleasure to have our old friends back as well as any new ones! And, about that rather large space of time in which our little Murderer butts were offline, I kinda caught a case of the dreaded _writer's block_! For months, I was planning ideas for this: The Queer Events Series, as well as Mount Rancour. Also, a close friend of mine who has just gotten an account of her own—Ginger Cookie 101—we will be writing a little _Harry Potter _story. It was Cookie's idea, really, but it won't be out for some time. Anyway, back to stuff you actually sort-of care about: RE-CAP TIME!

Where we last left our heroes, minus Sunny, they were dying of poison consumption in a mysterious land.

Want to find out where they are in this insane parody of the Carnivorous Carnival? Then read the first chapter!

One little reminder. If you aren't familier with the hit musical 'Wicked', you might feel left out. Well, not really. As with last story, all songs in this book can be linked to on our profile!:)

Chapter 1, No One Mourns the Wicked—Or the Good—or the In-Between People

Lemony Snicket Land in a big place. It's made up of mountains, rivers, lakes, valleys, cities, an ocean, as well as the Hinterlands.

The Hinterlands are a scraggaly forest wilderness that takes up most of western Snicket Land. There are few roads in the Hinterlands and very few settlements.

Our story, though, is very unusual and even if you've already read _The Queer Academy_, _The Crappy Village_ and _The Third Peril_ you will still find this story is quite different from the ones that came before it.

One odd thing about this story is that it begins with its ending. To be precise: in a little Hinterlandian Village called, 'Pinky-Dinky Parlevou'.

The news had spread quickly across the land and everyone, espiecally residents of the Hinterlands, were overjoyed. The Wicked B*tch of the West was dead!

Indeed, as we begin our opening number, I will ask you to please sit back, relax, and enjoy our madness:

NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED {from 'Wicked'}

{the lights turn on over the village of Pinkey-Dinky Parlevou, it is evening and villagers come out of their houses and run energetically around the stage}

Villagers: {harmony} GOOD NEWS! SHE'S DEAD! The B*tch of the West is dead!

The wickedest b*tch there ever was! The enemy of all of us here in Snicket Land IS DEAD!

GOOD NEWS!

GOOD NEWS!

Smelly Villager: {speaking} Look! It's Esme!

{out of the shadows comes a white stallion on which Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor, the city's sixth most important double-crossing whore, is mounted, Esme, having gained 'god' status in her short stay in the Hinterlands, where people had no idea of her previous attachment in the city of Dirty Bastard, was looked upon as an important figure for her beauty, fashion sense and intelligence, the people of the Hinterlands weren't exactally geniuses}

Esme: {dismounting the stallion} Fellow Snicketians:

{singing}

Let us be glad.

Let us be greatful.

Let us rejoicify that goodness could subdue the wicked workings of You-Know-Who!

Isn't it nice to know that good will conquer evil?

The truth we all believe will by and by outlive a lie for you and—

Fatass Villager: {singing fiercelly} No one mourns the wicked!

Slutty Villager: No one cries: 'They won't return!'

Villagers: No one lays a lily on their grave.

Hideously Ugly Villager: The good man scorns the wicked!

Anciently Old Villager: Through their lives, our children learn:

Villagers: WHAT WE MISS, WHEN WE MISBEHAVE!

Esme: And Goodness knows, the wicked's lives are lonely!

Goodness knows, the wicked die alone. It just shows when you're wicked you're left lonely, on your own!

Villagers: Yes, goodness knows, the wicked's lives are lonely!

Goodness knows, the wicked cry alone!

Nothing grows for the wicked, they reap only what they've sown.

Midgit Villager: {speaking} Esme! Why does Wickedness happen?

Esme: Well that's a very good question, little one!

Midgit Villager: I'm fifty-eight.

Esme: {cutting him off} Shh. Are people born Wicked? Or do they have Wickedness thrust upon them? After all, she had a father. She had a mother, as so many do.

{the village darkens to be replaced with a bedroom in a dingy apartment. Through a window we can see the skyline of Dirty Bastard. A couple: Edgarbear and Minerva, stand close to each other}

Edgarbear: {singing, to Minerva} How I hate to go and leave you lonely.

Minerva: That's alright. It's only just one night.

Edgarbear: But know that you're here in my heart while I'm out of your sight.

{his voice trails off into a note and he leaves the room. As soon as he's gone, Minerva dabs herself in perfume and dashes into the closet}

Esme: {heard in the background, speaking} And like every family, they had their secrets.

{Minerva comes out of the closet wearing a racy black dress as the mysterious lover, whose face or name will not be given yet because that will spoil the plot, enters the room}

Lover: {singing, dancing around Minera} Have another drink, my dark-eyed beauty! I've got one more night left, here in town!

So have another drink of serpent's elixir and we'll have ourselves a little mixer.

{he hands a green bottle to Minerva who drinks it heartily}

Have another little swallow, little lady, and follow me down.

{they collapse, lovers all, onto the bed as I dim the scene so as not to scar you for life}

Esme: {heard in the background, speaking} And of course, from the moment she was born, she was...well...different.

{we light the scene again to reveal Minerva going into labor with Edgarbear and a midwife standing at the foot of the bed. For anyone who may not be familier with the term, a midwife is a woman who used to come to the house to help a woman give birth}

Midwife: {singing} It's coming!

Edgarbear: Now?

Midwife: The baby's coming!

Edgarbear: And how!

Midwife: I see a nose!

Edgarbear: I see a curl!

Midwife and Edgarbear: It's a healthy, perfect,

lovely, little—

Midwife: {screaming} SON OF AN UNHOLY BASTARD!

Edgarbear: Sweet merciful God!

Minerva: {speaking} What is it? What's wrong?

Midwife: {singing} How can it be?

Edgarbear: What does it mean?

Midwife: It's atrocious!

Edgarbear: It's obscene!

Midwife and Edgarbear: Like a swervy, curvy hose, the baby is unnaturally:

{the midwife holds up a horrid sight, a baby writhing in snakes that seem to have sprouted out of its scalp}

Edgarbear, Midwife and Minerva: {harmony} SERPINTINE!

{there's a short silence}

Edgarbear: {speaking} Take it away.

{pause}

Take it away!

{the scene darkens and when it lights up again we are back in the village square of Pinky-Dinky Parlevou where the villagers are gathered around Esme and her stallion, listening raptly to her story}

Esme: So you see, it couldn't have been easy!

Villagers: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

Now at last, she's dead and gone!

Now at last, there's joy throughout the land!

And goodness knows, we know what goodness is. Goodness knows the wicked die alone.

Esme: She died alone!

Villagers: Woe to those who spurn what goodnesses they are shown: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

Esme: {miserably} Good news!

Villagers: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

Esme: Good news!

Villagers: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

WICKED!

WICKED!

{Esme sobs into the handkercheif}

THE CURTAIN FALLS

"No! The Curtain does not fall, yet!" Esme yelled at me.

I sighed, "Whatever you want, Your Majesty."

I kept the curtain up so Esme was allowed to continue speaking, "Thank you." she turned to the villagers, "As you can imagine, I have much to attend to. I had better be off to visit other villages and spread the good news."

I stared at her, "That's why I had to keep the curtain up?" I asked incredulously, "Just so you could say some corny goodbye to the hicks?"

"You didn't have to do it, you know." she told me, "You are the author, after all!"

"Just get on your damn horse and leave so I can start writing about the Baudes and the Quags."

"Hmph!" hmphed Esme, mounting her steed.

She was about to leave when a random villager ran out of the crowd, "Esme!" he called to her, "Is it true that you were her friend?"

The villagers shared a collective gasp and stared at Esme who was trembeling like a leaf.

"Well—" she started, but I cut her off: "We'll get to that in Chapter 2! I want to talk about the kids!"

I smile at them contemptously as:

THE CURTAIN FALLS

THREE MONTHS EARLIER:

Night had fallen on the Hinterlands. Pitch black night. That night was the last night of the year, but no one really cared.

Through the fog that clung to the ground, came a clip-clop of hooves as an anorexic horse came into sight, pulling a little cart.

At the reins of the horse was a hunch-backed figure wearing a black cowl. His name was Hugo and he was STRANGE!

Sitting in the cart was a far more menacing figure, a woman of about thirty-three clad in many heavy shawls. Her curly black hair was covered with a sash and her angular face was pale and mysterious.

Her name was Madame Lulu and she was PECULIER!

"Hugo!" she said to her driver in a sharp Romanian accent, "Stop the horse!"

"Aye, aye!" responded Hugo, pulling the reins to stop their pitiful excuse for a steed.

"I sense something!" Madame Lulu leapt out of the carriage, "Follow me, and bring my supplies!"

"Indeed, Madame." nodded Hugo. He reached into the luggage rack behind the carriage and withdrew a small carpet bag and a heavy leather-bound book.

Madame Lulu led Hugo towards the imposing shilloute of the Dandruff Mountains to a spot by a small spinny of trees.

"There!" she called to him, bending down to examine four figures sprawled by the spinny.

"By Jove and all his aunts!" gasped Hugo, "It's some kind of teenage orgy!"

That's what it looked like: two brunette girls, a flabby black-haired boy and a shirtless fellow with sandy hair were heaped together, hand in hand.

"Are they dead?" wondered Hugo. Replied Madame Lulu, "No, not dead. Dying yes. But not dead. Hand me the book."

She spoke calmly and efficentially; Hugo felt a tinge of relief in handing the book to his Mistress.

Madame Lulu opened the heavy tome to a yellowed page inscribed: '_LIFE. Warning: Life spell contains dangerous side affects. Do not use if you are fat, skinny, young, old, pregant, want to be pregnant, beutiful, hideous, male, female, human, non-human, fruit, vegetable, mineral, smart, stupid, shipwrecked, plane-wrecked, sinking, crashing, singing or dancing._

_Side affects include, but are not limited to: bloating, congestion, vomiting, complete phisycal transformation, blindess, deafness, loss of speech, loss of limbs, mental retardation, change of sexual prefrence, instant death, reincarnation, damnation to hell and loss of personal belongings._

_Life Spell, A Miracle Worker!_'

Madame Lulu stood over the four children and began to recite the spell, "_Ahtum, frenzhi, ahtum, ahtum, eleka, frenzhi!_" she chanted, "Let their blood flow anew! Let their lungs fill with air! Though they lie, pale and dying: Give them life!"

Wind began to whistle through the trees and a chill descended on the already freezing midwinter air.

"_Ahtum, frenzhi, ahtum, ahtum, eleka, frenzhi!_" repeated Madame Lulu for good measure. Her work was done, "Hugo, help me carry them to the carriage. The spell should take its effect in an hour's time."

"Of course, Madame." bowed Hugo, picking up the two girls as Madame Lulu held the boys.

They carried them back to their fidgity horse and the carriage, placing the children inside and covering them with a quilt.

"Head home, Hugo." she said, taking her seat across from the covered children, "Yes, Madame." Hugo snapped the reins and the carriage turned around.

"Oh, and Madame." said Hugo, looking at her.

"Yes?"

"Happy New Year."

She gave him a small smile, "Happy New Year to you, too."

A/N: How'd you like it? I don't mean to sound too concieted but this was one of my best first chapters, in my opinion. Basing this on 'Wicked' is gonna be a hell of a lot of fun! In the next chapter we will see how Esme and 'The Wicked B*tch of the West' knew each other, we will be reintroduced to Count Olaf, Sunny and company and will see what side-effects the Life Spell has on the Baudes and the Quags. Also, for all you _Mount Rancour _followers: the third chapter will be posted as soon as this is up!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2, Dear Old ZYK, How Are You Feeling? I'm Fine, Thank You But We Have A Chapter To Start!

Disclaimer: Warning to ye who enter here: We own nothing

AN: Hallo! Yes, I spelled that correctly. It's so nice to be updating on a fixed schedule again! After we put up this chapter, there will be Chapter 4 of Mount Rancour, if anyone is interested. We'd like to thank our every faithful reviewer: Gypsy Rosalie, who waited for us throughout or weeks of absence.

And here's your chapter!

Esme looked carefully at each idiot Hinterlander's face in turn before speaking, "Well, it depends on what you mean by 'friend'. I did know her. That is our paths did cross. At school!"

We must now put our time traveling hats on and spin around in circles while singing the magic time travel tune:

TIME MACHINE! TIME MACHINE! TAKE US BACK IN TIME!

{for anyone who guesses where that bit was from, there will be cake}

We are now high in the Dandruff Mountains at the Central Headquarters of the secret organization 'ZYK'. It is eighteen years in the past.

Time for a relatively pointless song that does nothing but distract the audience while the set changes:

DEAR OLD SHIZ {from 'Wicked'}

{the lights brighten and we see that we are in the Front Courtyard of ZYK Headquarters. we see the mountains rising around it and the snow covered buildings within the walls. there are about fifteen to twenty Students milling about with books, equipment and other boring things}

Students: Oh, hallowed halls and vine draped walls. The proudliest site there is. When gray and sere our hair hath turned, we shall still revere the lessons learned in our days at dear old ZYK. OUR DAYS AT DEAR OLD—

{a random wheeled cart enters, stacked high with luggage and Esme. Esme is eighteen years younger, wearing her golden hair longer. she wears a white mink coat and matching cylindrical hat, see Veruca Salt's costume in the original 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' to see what I mean}

Esme: {vocalizing} Ahhhhh—

Students: Dear old ZYK.

THE CURTAIN FALLS

"Don't start with that, again!" Esme warned me. I rolled my eyes, "Most sincere apologies, Esme."

"It's Esmeralda!" she corrected me. I realized then that that would make sense, so I didn't shut her up.

"You can't just leave us here! That crappy two line song isn't half a chapter. It's an eighth of the chapter!"

"Okay, okay! Let's keep going!" I groaned.

Out of the one of the buildings stepped a tall, elderly woman with her faded hair in a bun and her blue eyes hidden behind wire spectacles.

"Good morning, new members!" the woman greeted them, "I am Madame Josephine Anwhistle: the Headzykistress at ZYK Academy! I hope you enjoy your time here and graduate to become the 'bee's knees' of ZYK society!"

There was a short silence, before Esmeralda waved her arms in the air and was helped off of her cart by a few male students who were staring at her cleavage.

"Ahem, Madame Anwhistle." she began.

The Headzykstress turned to her, "Yes?"

"I am Esmeralda Lowersham, of the Lower Lowershams!" She smiled as if she were waiting for Madame Anwhistle to bow before her. But she didn't.

"Lovely." she replied drily.

Esmeralda persisted, "I hope that you have received my thesis for your private," she whispered, "Sorcery Seminar."

"Oh? Oh, yes! You were the one who thought magic wands were sex toys and disregarded the ancient scholars, saying that they were 'Not nearly as orgasm-inducing as I'."

"That's me!" Esmeralda chortled like a five-year-old.

"Yes. Now, I get a lot of thesis' for my seminar and yours was easily the worst one I've read in my forty years here! I only take serious, reputable, mentally hinged scholars. I suggest you join the Shoe-making Club or something simple like that."

Esmeralda gasped, "What?"

"Shut up, you sniveling brat!" Madame Anwhistle silenced her, "Now, the dormitories are—"

But she was interrupted by a sound of footsteps on stone as a tall, bald man entered, followed by a pretty young lady. This lady was incredibly beautiful except for one odd little thing: SHE WAS BALD!

Everyone looked at the two newcomers in silence. Madame Anwhistle was the first to approach them, "Hello!" she greeted them, "You must be Edgarbear Caliban!" The man nodded, "Yes, I am. And this is my daughter."

"Oh, you must be young Beatrice!" Madame Anwhistle shook the girl's hand.

"Pleased to meet you." Beatrice said, kindly.

Madame Anwhistle turned to the other Students, "Edgarbear Caliban is President of the ZYK Sociological Society. He organizes all of our social affairs. Like the one I had with that traveling candy-maker in Majorca. But don't you have one other daughter?"

"Ah, yes!" Edgarbear seemed to have only just realized he was missing a child, "OLIVIA! Get your ass over hear right now!"

He reached into the pocket of his overcoat and distributed brown paper bags to himself, Beatrice, Madame Anwhistle, Esmeralda and the other students.

"What are these for?" asked Esmeralda.

Edgarbear answered, "My elder daughter is a little odd, Miss. You would do best to hold that bag."

Now, there was a sound of sharp hissing, as though hundreds of snakes were tangling together in their demonic fashion.

Another young woman passed through the gates and into the courtyard. She wore a heavy navy blue overcoat and gloves, but no hat. Her face was pretty enough but her hair was a mass of wriggling, squirming, live snakes. They were tied into a waist-length long braid going down her back but that did nothing to help disguise them.

Everyone promptly vomited into the bags Edgarbear had given them.

"My God!" gasped Madame Anwhistle, "What is that?"

"This is Olivia, my—thing." said Edgarbear, "She's only here so she can care for Becca." he looked lovingly at Beatrice, "Being bald is a heavy burden."

Madame Anwhistle looked from the bald Edgarbear, to the bald Beatrice and then to snake-haired Olivia, "Hair problems seem to run in the family." she muttered to herself.

"Well, I had better go." started Edgarbear, "But first:" he withdrew a velvet box from his greatcoat, "For you, Becca."

"Oh, thank you, Father!" Beatrice blushed, opening the box. "Oh, what beautiful combs!" she gasped, for there were indeed sparkling combs in the box.

"Pure silver." Edgarbear beamed.

"What a charming gift to give to a girl with no hair." remarked Madame Anwhistle coldly,"Now please go, you are interrupting my Orientation!"

"Of course, Madame Anwhistle." Edgarbear kissed her hand, kissed Beatrice on the forehead and gave Olivia a little nod before leaving through the gates.

"Now," Madame Anwhistle continued, "please meet the head boy, the head girl and the head thing."

Three children stepped out of one of the buildings. Two boys and a girl, each one clad in a smart gray suit.

"These are the children of Jacob Snicket." Madame Anwhistle presented, "The future rulers of our world!"

The children stepped forward one by one and stated their names, "Lemony!" started the boy to the left, "Kit!" announced the girl in the middle, "Jacques!" proclaimed the uni-browed boy at the right.

"They will tell you all you need to know about what goes on here." continued Madame Anwhistle, "Oh, and gentlemen. Sexy as Kit is, she is taken."

Every male in the area groaned as Kit's suitor, a lean figure with slicked up black hair and a uni-brow, took her hand, "Olaf's the name." he said with a wink, "Trains are my game!"

There was another moment of silence before Madame Anwhistle went on, "Now, as to dorms."

Olivia now spoke for the first time, "Madame Anwhistle, I'm dorming with my sister. I have to take care of her."

"My dear girl, I would never let a girl with venomous creatures of death growing out of her head dorm with such an innocent and hairless creature! You can sleep in the shed outside."

"But the snakes get angry when they're wet! If it rains or snows—"

"Hm." mused Madame Anwhistle, "Who do I hate enough—?" She thought for a moment before realizing, "Miss Esmeralda! Dorm with the snake chick!"

"WHAT?" screeched Esmeralda.

"Do it, or I kick you out into the snow!"

"Alright, I'll do it!"

"Good. Now..."

But once again Madame Anwhistle was cut off, this time by Olivia screaming, "I HAVE TO CARE FOR MY SISTER! SHE HAS NO ONE ELSE!"

The sky darkened and a wind blew. The wind brought Beatrice to the floor at Olivia's feet.

"Olivia, you said this would never happen again!" moaned Beatrice hysterically.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" Olivia tried to explain, "Sometimes something just—comes over me."

"NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR TALENT!" roared Madame Anwhistle, she turned to the others, "Go on! Go! There's nothing to see here!" Everyone but Olivia promptly ran off, led by the Snicket Triplets.

"My dear girl. You are a sorceress!"

"I am?"

"Well, what did you think you were?"

"Snake-like?"

"Hm. Well, I'm giving up on the Sorcery Seminar! Instead of that, I will tutor you privately in the ways of magic!"

"Really?" Olivia was amazed.

"But of course."

THE WIZARD AND I {from 'Wicked'}

Madame Anwhistle: Oh, Miss Olivia:

Many years I have waited for a gift like yours to appear!

Why, I predict the Snicket could make you his MAGIC GRAND VIZIER!

My dear, my dear.

I'll write at once to the Snicket. Tell him of you in advance.

With a talent like yours, dear, there is a definite chance.

If you work as you should, you'll be making good.

{she bustles off}

Olivia: Did that really just happen?

Have I actually understood?

This weird quirk I've tried to suppress or hide is a talent that could HELP ME MEET THE SNICKET?

If I make good.

So I'll make good—

When I meet the Snicket. Once I prove my worth. When I meet the Snicket, what I've waited for since...since birth!

And with all his Snicket wisdom, by my looks, he won't be blinded!

Do you think the Snicket is dumb?

Or like Bastardians, so small-minded?

NO! He'll say to me:

'I see who you truly are. A girl on whom I can rely!'

And that's how we'll begin! The Snicket and I.

Once I'm with the Snicket, my whole life will change.

Because once you're with the Snicket, NO ONE THINKS YOU'RE STRANGE!

No father is not proud of you. No sister acts ashamed.

And all the land has to love you!

When by the Snicket, you're acclaimed!

And this gift, or this curse, I have inside, maybe at last, I'll know why. When we are hand in hand: THE SNICKET AND I!

And one day, he'll say to me: 'Olivia, a girl who is so superior. Shouldn't a girl who's so good inside have a matching exterior?

And since folks here to an absurd degree seem fixated on your serpent-ry. Would it be all right by you if I de-snakify you?'

And though of course that's not important to me, 'All right, why not?' I'll reply. Oh, what a pair we'll be, THE SNICKET AND I!

Yes, what a pair we'll be The Snicket and I!

Unlimited. My future is unlimited.

And I've just had a vision; almost like a prophecy!

I know. it sounds truly crazy. And true, the vision's hazy.

But I swear, someday there'll be a celebration throughout Snicket Land that's all to do with me!

And I'll stand there with the Snicket, watching my life go by.

And though I'd never show it, I'd be so happy, I could die!

And so it will be for the rest of my life! And I'll want nothing else 'till I'm gone!

Held in such high esteem!

When people see me, they will scream for half of Snicket Land's favorite team:

THE SNICKET AND I!

THE CURTAIN FALLS

"NO!" roared Esmeralda, dashing once again onto the scene.

"What is it now?" I asked, bored.

"I get to sing in the next song! And since all I've sung this chapter was that crappy vocalizing in that puny little number, I EXPECT A DUET WITH THE SNAKE CHICK!"

"Could everyone stop calling me 'the snake chick'?" asked Olivia, exasperated.

"Alright! Let's do one more song. This chapter's so long and we haven't even gotten to the Baudes and the Quags yet!"

After a day of tours, unpacking, meeting the boring professors and having disgusting lunch. The majority of new Students retired to the writing hall.

ZYK Academy's writing hall was a large, dimly lit room lined with small writing desks at which students sat when they were doing homework, making lists or writing letters home.

The keeper of the writing hall was a wizened woman named Madame Winston-Hughes who was ODD!

Esmeralda was sitting at one desk, working on a letter. She turned to the side and noticed a short, bespectacled lad by name Bertrand Baudelaire eying her from across the room.

He waved at her with a sheepish smile.

Esmeralda awkwardly waved back.

Bertrand made kissing motions in the air.

Esmeralda threw up in her mouth a little.

Bertrand seductively stroked his chest.

Esmeralda changed her seat.

Olivia was also in the room working on a letter of her own. Let's do that third song so we can get to the kids' story and finish this incredibly long chapter!

WHAT IS THIS FEELING? {from 'Wicked'}

Esmeralda: {speaking}: Dearest, darlingest momsie and popsicle.

Olivia: My dear father.

Esmeralda and Olivia: {harmony} There's been some confusion over rooming her at ZYK.

Olivia: But of course I'll care for Becca.

Esmeralda: But of course I'll rise above it!

Esmeralda and Olivia: For I know that's how you'd want me to respond. Yes! There's been some confusion for you see my room mate is—

Esmeralda: Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe.

Olivia: {speaking} Blonde.

Esmeralda: {singing} What is this feeling so sudden and new?

Olivia: I felt the moment I laid eyes on you!

Esmeralda: My pulse is rushing.

Olivia: My head is reeling.

Esmeralda: My face is flushing.

Esmeralda and Olivia: What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame! Does it have a name? Yes...

{facing each other directly}

Loathing, unadulterated loathing!

Esmeralda: For your hair!

Olivia: Your voice!

Esmeralda: Your clothing!

Esmeralda and Olivia: Let's just say I loathe it all!

Every little trait however small, makes my very flesh begin to crawl, with simple utter loathing!

There's a strange exhilaration in such total detestation!

It's so pure so strong! Though I do admit it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last and I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long!

Students: Dear Esmeralda you are just too good! How do you stand it, I don't think I could!

She's a terror, she's a tartar, we don't mean to show a bias, but Esmeralda you're a martyr!

Esmeralda: Well, these things are sent to try us!

Students: {Harmony} Poor Esmeralda forced to reside with someone so disgusticified! We just want to tell you we're all on your side! WE SHARE YOUR:

All: LOATHING!

What is this feeling so—

Unadulterated loathing—

Sudden and new—

Felt the moment I laid eyes on you—

My pulse is rushing—

WE LOATHE IT ALL!

Oh what is this feeling?

Every little trait however small makes our very flesh begin to crawl!

Does it have a name?

Ahhhhh—

Loathing!

Loathing!

There's a strange exhilaration.

Loathing!

In such total detestation.

It's so pure so strong.

Esmeralda and Olivia: Though I do admit it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last and I will be—

All: LOATHING, LOATHING FOR FOREVER!

Loathing! Loathing, truly deeply loathing.

Loathing you, my whole life long!

Loathing, unadulterated loathing!

THE CURTAIN FALLS

"Wait!" cut in Esmeralda.

"What is it now?"

"A little bit more dialogue first." she insisted.

"Very well, then."

Madame Winston-Hughes dashed over to the group, her eyes aflame, "What is all of this hullabaloo?"

"We were expressing our hatred for each other through song, Madame Winston-Hughes." said Esmeralda innocently.

"Alright then. Now you all be behaved and tucked into bed! You have your first day of classes tomorrow."

"Yes, Madame Winston-Hughes." said everyone in unison.

I made a rather rude hand gesture at Esmeralda as:

THE CURTAIN FALLS

Eighteen Years Later"

Violet stirred sleepily. Where was she?

She had felt a rather strange feeling in the night, as though she were being charged with some kind of poignant electricity.

She remembered the poison. Could she be dead?

Groggily, she opened her eyes and found that she was lying in a hammock in some kind of wooden box. Well, it was a big wooden box, kind of like a boxcar on a train.

There were three other hammocks strung from the ceiling as well as three bunk beds inset in the walls.

It was a rather cozy atmosphere. Perhaps she was in heaven, or on the Soul Train.

Suddenly, she felt a kind of jolt pass through her; she gave a cry and fell out of her hammock and onto the floor.

She struggled to her feet and chanced to see a reflection of herself in a mirror mounted on the wall. She looked tired and fatigued but HER HAIR WAS SILVER!

"SON OF AN UNMERCIFUL SATAN!" she swore.

"What's happened?" she murmured to herself. Did everyone have silver hair in heaven? Or was this hell?

"Awake are you?" came a scratchy voice and a stooped hunch-backed figure entered.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Violet, "Shut up! Shut up!" he told her, "Haven't you ever seen a freak of nature before?"

"Yeah, my Great-Aunt Tilda. But. Are you the Grim Reaper?"

In Violet's defense, the man was wearing a black cowl but he carried no scythe.

"No, I'm Hugo."

"Hugo?"

"It's pronounced Hug-O." he said drily, "And what's your name, hot stuff?"

"Violet." she began but Hugo cut her off, "Is that pronounced: Vo-Lot?"

"No."

"Ah! Well, where are the others?"

"I don't know, I just woke up! And I'd like you to explain what the hell is going on here!" she gestured to her silver hair to emphasize her point.

"You and your buddies were dying last night. My Mistress and I came upon you on our little evening ride together and she cast the Life Spell on you!"

"Life Spell?" Violet couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Yes, Life Spell! Of course, the thing comes with a host of side-affects. You and your fellows got struck with the 'Complete Physical Transformation' one!"

"Complete Physical—" Violet trailed off, "Wait, how is it 'complete'? I just have silver hair."

"Try to focus on something." Hugo urged her, "Look at the mirror and concentrate all of your energy into it."

Violet did as she was instructed. Indeed, she soon began to feel rather faint and her vision became blurry. She grabbed onto an end-table to keep herself from passing out.

Then, shock of shocks, the mirror shattered! The pieces soared into the air before reassembling and becoming whole once again.

"What...?" Violet's head was throbbing, what had she done?

Hugo took on a little, 'I'm smarter then you' air and began to explain, "Your Complete Physical Transformation has left you with the power of telekinosis...telekiseesis..."

"Telekinesis?" Violet suggested, she had learned the phrase from Chubs' days as Dirty Bastard's Biggest comic-book geek.

"Indeed! You can control things with the energy of your mind!" Hugo said this all while doing some ridiculous spaz-out.

"But my friends. They..."

Before Violet could finish her sentence there was a rustle in another one of the Hammocks and a figure rolled out, cocooned in a filthy sheet.

"By Jove, it's freezing." muttered a voice.

"Duncan?" started Violet tentatively, a little frightened as to what may have become of her lover.

"Violet! Is the AC on, or something?" Duncan emerged from under the sheet. He was COBALT BLUE! And his hair was PURE WHITE!

"Violet, did you die your hair silver, or are we dead?"

"Neither, sir!" chirped up Hugo, Duncan's eye fell on the hunch-back for the first time, "THE GRIM REAPER!"

"I just said that you weren't dead, you ass! Look at yourself."

Duncan looked down at his hands and saw his blue skin, "Good Lord!" he gasped, "I could be in the Blue Man Group!"

Hugo explained to him the exact same thing that he had said to Violet.

"Well then, what can I do?" Duncan wondered, Hugo suggested, "Just think solidly on something in particular and something will happen."

"Very well." Duncan closed his eyes and thought about something that was very important to him. He felt an icy cold explosion overtaking him. His blood running cold and his heart beat slowing. There was a cracking sound and when Duncan opened his eyes he saw that he had accidentally frozen Violet in a block of ice.

"Well, I suppose you can freeze things." Hugo stated the obvious, "Now, how are we going to get her out of there?"

"Do you smell smoke?" cut in Duncan, worriedly, Suddenly a hole scorched through one of the hammocks and a fiery red projectile tumbled onto the floor.

When the smoke cleared, it was revealed that Duncan's sister, Isadora was the source of the smoke, her hair being on fire and whatnot. Wait, ON FIRE?

"Uh, is someone burning something?" Isadora stammered, before she thought of something, "Good God, I'm in hell!"

"No, no, you're alive, dear sister. You just happen to be engulfed in fire that somehow doesn't kill you."

Once again, Hugo explained everything to the distraught firebrand. It didn't take long for Isadora to figure out how to use her new power...she touched the block of ice that Violet was trapped in and watched it melt, releasing Violet.

After explaining Isadora's story to Violet, the last of their number woke up, Violet's brother, Duncan's best friend and Isadora's lover: Klaus 'Chubs' Baudelaire.

"My God, what a night!" came Chubs' voice as a figure lept down from the Hammock...well, it was a pretty damn awesome figure!

Chubs was suddenly six feet tall, olive skinned, rosy cheeked, heavily muscled, blue eyed and with waist-length inky black hair.

Everyone stared at Chubs, open-mouthed. Isadora started crying, "It can't be..." she gasped, "What's wrong Isadora, darling?" asked Chubs before noticing her hair...

"MY GOD, YOU'RE ON FIRE!" he screamed.

"MY GOD, YOU'RE SEXIER THEN TAYLOR LAUTNER!" she screamed.

Chubs looked down at himself and noticed that his clothes had been reduced to tatters {Probably attributing to Isadora's worshipful expression.}, "Oh dear! I'm a monster!"

He collapsed to his knees and wept into his large hands.

Violet and Isadora approached him, while Hugo whispered to Duncan, "What the bloody hell's he cryin' about? I'd give anything to look like that!"

Duncan replied, "He's used to being pale and chubby. Violet tells me his parents kept him away from good-looking kids so he wouldn't know how disgusting he was. That didn't stop my sister, though."

Then again, Isadora didn't seem to mind her lover's new form, "Don't cry, Chubs." she urged him while caressing his biceps.

"Yeah, it's alright." Violet cooed, "The bright side is, the poison didn't kill us!"

Chubs wiped away his tears and gave Isadora a light kiss {To which she clutched her heart in jubilation.}, "I suppose you're right. Why aren't we dead, anyway?"

Hugo explained for one last time and finally told them all where they were, "You're at the Carnival Where Social Services Don't Exist in the thick of the Hinterlands!"

"You mean to say," Violet began, "That we're in the middle of nowhere?"

"Quite so, in fact..."

But before Hugo could finish the door opened and in walked two people, a young woman with black curls and a middle-aged man with EIGHT ARMS!

"What the hell are you doing here, Hugo? We had to clean the loo all by ourselves!" snarled the eight-armed man.

"Yeah, and it was disgustingly gross and junk!" sighed the woman.

"Mistress said that is was my job to get acquainted with the noobs!" Hugo said curtly, he turned to the children, "This is Kevin, the Octo-Dextrous Man and this is Collete, the Elastic Woman."

"So...what, this is some kind of prison for deformed people?" wondered Isadora.

"Yes, it's a prison!" roared Kevin, "We're all doomed to die in this wicked, wicked carnival! Do you know who our keeper is?"

"Who?" the children chorused.

Collete burst out, "She's, like, the Wicked B*tch of the West!"

The Baudes and the Quags of course knew who the Wicked B*tch of the West was...hell, everyone in Snicket Land knew of her dramatic flight over Dirty Bastard in the days when Jacob Snicket was ruler of the land {Before his son, Lemony, took over after his death.}.

"Of course, that's on a need to know basis." Hugo said carefully, "We call her Madame Lulu around here...and she is actually very nice when you come to think of it."

"Nice?" Kevin scoffed, "You're only saying that because you're the favorite!"

Collete stretched herself into a knot and cut in, "No! I'm, like, the favorite!"

"No, you're a bratty, sub-service little..."

We'll leave them for this chapter and interact with the last set of characters that we need to meet for now.

It had been a hard trek through the night. Count Olaf had led his group of followers into the thickest part of the Hinterlands. He carried his infant lover, Sunny Baudelaire in his arms and motioned for his hench-folk to continue after him.

The hench-folk in question included: Fernald: a hook-handed man, Reggie the Bean: a bald man with a long nose, the sisters Flo and Tocuna, who had white powder on their faces to cover a genetic rash, Enya, a he/she, and the newest member of the group, Mr. Arthur Poe who was more

a slave then an assistant.

"Look, everyone!" Olaf pointed, "There's smoke! Smoke means fire!"

"So?" chorused the others. "So, either the wilderness is burning down, or there's civilization at hand!"

There was a half-hearted cheer and Mr. Poe passed out from exhaustion for the thirtieth time that evening.

"Wibilax!" cheered Sunny who was, I reiterate, a baby and so, spoke gibberish. Though as of the last story, she is picking up some words and phrases; for instance, 'Wibilax' means, "Yay! The fatass just peed his pants!"

"Indeed, he did, Sunny." Olaf agreed with her, "Indeed, he did."

With Enya dragging Mr. Poe, the group reached the settlement, a gathering of tents and wooden caravans.

"I smell hot soup!" remarked Enya excitedly, "Oh, we've hit the jackpot!" whooped Fernald.

"I hope they've got one of those Ped-Egg things that shave calluses." hoped Tocuna, "My feet are killing me!"

"Must you give us hourly updates on the state of your feet?" groaned Flo.

"Well, let's hop to it!" said Olaf excitedly stepping towards the rusty iron gate only to hear a sharp gunshot echoing through the night as a woman draped in woolen shawls approached them, carrying a shotgun.

"Get the hell off of my property!" she began as she stepped into the moonlight of that beautiful New Year's Night.

When she saw Olaf she stopped short, as did Olaf.

Reggie the Bean took a look at the woman and the woman looked at him.

Reggie couldn't help but smile.

He didn't think he would ever see Olivia Caliban again.

A/N: The plot thickens. Actually, it only just started! I know, we've sprung some unexpected surprises. If you wish, feel free to check out the MR chapter!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3, Dancing Through Bad Things and Stuff

Disclaimer: Not ours—and begin!

A/N: Sorry for being a day late. We were kind of busy last night due to a boring school basketball game which my friends made me attend. This chapter is _long_. Very long. As in, about fourteen pages according to Open Office. Thanks to Gypsy Rosalie for resuming to be cool by reviewing. So, just note that all songs can be linked to from our profile. Let us progress!

Back in the past, things had been going pretty well for the students at ZYK Academy. They were now about three weeks into their first term and things had been going swimmingly and also quite normally. Bertrand Baudelaire chased Esmeralda, who mistakenly called him 'Berty' every time she saw him, as he continued his fruitless attempts to court her. Beatrice was pitied by everyone who saw her little bald head and Olivia was shunned by everyone in the whole of ZYK on account of her odd hair which she always kept tight in its braid. The 'Snake Chick' name persisted. The Snicket Triplets continued to be curt and mature as the Head Boys and Girl, and Olaf was often seen nibbling Kit's ear with gusto.

Madame Anwhistle took to writing letters to the Snicket so she could give them to his children to give to their father. The contents of these letters are probably best kept a mystery.

On this particular day when we join our wacky little cast, they are in Inventing class. Yay.

The Inventing Classroom was incredibly small, with some diagrams and posters pinned on the walls, a revolving chalkboard in front and two benches, one on either side of the room.

The students clamored in, Esmeralda sitting at the very edge of the right bench, surrounded by her huge group of girlfriends. Beatrice got to sit in a special, 'Pity Chair' near the chalkboard. Olivia, Bertrand, the Snickets and Olaf sat on the left bench with a few unimportant people.

"Alright, alright! Settle down you gaggle of insignificants!" muttered Dr. C.M. Cornbluth, the inventing professor who is indeed mentioned in the books.

C.M. Cornbluth was a mysterious and very fat man who always was eating pistachios and bursting into fits of extreme rapture. On this particular day, he was wearing black gaiters and a kerchief.

"Good morning, class." he began, taking his place by the chalkboard.

"Good morning, Dr. Cornbluth." The students chorused.

"Now, to take attendance." he trailed off, taking a list out of the pocket of his britches, "In no particular order: Esme Lowersham."

Esmeralda rolled her eyes, "I've told you a million times, Dr. Cornpuff! My name is 'Esmeralda' with a 'ralda'!"

"Oh, yes how could I, the brilliant 'Dr. CornBLUTH forget your oh, so, important name!"

Olivia stood up, "Maybe Dr. CornBLUTH has better things to do then to pay attention to the whining of blondes!"

Esmeralda looked up at her rival and flashed her a smile, "Oh, I think the garter snake is steaming." Esmeralda snidely whispered to her friends who began to giggle like, well, like geese, I guess.

Olivia sat down while Bertrand charged to Esmeralda, "You're so amusing, Miss Esmeralda!" he praised, "I think of you every night before I go to bed. I think you're hot!"

Everyone in the room stared at him and Bertrand sheepishly sat down once more.

"Now, to get to today's lesson about the development of the incredibly useful Zipper-Operated Yodeling Kolander."

He looked at the chalkboard which was covered with notes from the previous day's lesson. He spun the board around to use the opposite side and then all in the room was met with a most dreadful sight. Scrawled on the board, in alarming red writing and in giant letters were the words: 'Fatasses should be seen and not heard'.

Everyone gasped, except for Esmeralda who said, "Ew! Why the hell would you want to write in red ink on a black chalkboard? I mean, red on black in easy to wear. But to write? I don't think so—"

She trailed off when she realized that Everyone was staring at her, "Not that I approve of this, or anything."

Dr. Cornbluth was in a state of rage, "WHO WROTE THIS?" he demanded of them, "WHO? COME ON, FESS UP. WAS IT YOU?" he looked at Olaf, who had been sitting next to Kit in nonchalance, Olaf replied, "No. Maybe. Perhaps. YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, SUCKERS!" he lept to his feet and dashed out of the room.

"Catch him, somebody catch him!" roared Dr. Cornbluth, "Come back here, you unpleasant person!" He sighed, this wasn't the first time Olaf had done something stupid and run off, only to have no one attempt to stop him, "Class is dismissed early. Go—GO ON!"

Everyone hurried out, leaving only Olivia and the good doctor, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" she asked him, "'Fatasses should be seen and not heard.' It's Darwinian, that's what it is!"

Dr. Cornbluth looked at her, "Quite right, Miss Olivia. It's Darwinian and nothing more! Savage. The amount of hate for people who are a—little wide in the form! I myself have been ridiculed by my own colleagues here at ZYK for more years then you would care to count! It's savage, and I tell you, Miss Olivia, I have heard some rumors."

SOMETHING BAD {from 'Wicked'}

Dr. Cornbluth: {speaking} Oh, Miss Olivia, the things one hears these days. Dreadful things.

{singing}

I've heard of an Moxie, a professor from Loxie, no longer permitted to teach. She has lost all powers of speech!

And an wide-man in Slippery Rock, a vicar with a thriving flock, forbidden to preach!

Now he can only screech!

Only rumors, but still enough to give pause to anyone with jaws!

Something bad is happening in Snicket Land!

Olivia: Something bad? Happening in Snicket Land?

Dr. Cornbluth: Under the surface. Behind the scenes.

Something baaaaaaad. {the word 'bad' dissolves into a belch}

{speaking}

Sorry, 'bad'.

Olivia: Dr. Cornbluth, if something bad is happening to the fatasses, someone's got to tell the Snicket.

{laugh}

That's why we have a Snicket.

{singing}

So nothing bad—

Dr. Cornbluth: {speaking} I hope you're right.

Dr. Cornbluth and Olivia: Nothing all that bad—

Dr. Cornbluth: Nothing truly baaaaaaad. {another belch}.

{speaking}

Sorry, 'bad'.

Olivia: {singing} It couldn't happen here in Snicket Land.

THE CURTAIN—

"NO!" roared Esmeralda, running back into the classroom.

"What is it now, Majesty?" I asked sarcastically.

"I want to sing. LET ME SING!"

"Alright, one more song!"

"Thank you." she said approvingly.

Later that day, Esmeralda had called for a picnic by the bronze statue of Jacob Snicket in ZYK's east courtyard. She had once again donned her mink coat and hat and, with the help of her squealing girlfriends, was passing sandwiches and cold hard cider to the group.

"What a lovely picnic, Miss Esmeralda!" praised Kit, "It's a marvelous day for one."

"Any day's marvelous when you're around, baby!" chirruped Olaf nibbling Kit's ear for about the sixteenth time that day.

"'Marvelous'," piped up Lemony, "Is a word which here means, 'Bodacious.'"

"That was a sure-fire, awesome-full definition there, brother!" Jacques congratulated him.

"You're very kind, you know, Esmeralda." said Beatrice, speaking for a rare time.

"Oh, thank you." blushed Esmeralda, who was incredibly used to people thinking she was the greatest person in the world.

There was a crashing sound and a hang-glider fell out of the sky and skidded to a halt in a pile of snow.

"Damn, that could have been closer!" came a smooth, silky voice as a figure dressed in black emerged from the wreckage.

Whispers were afly in the crowd, 'That's one of the Plot Twists!'

'They never leave the dormitory!'

'I've never heard one of them speak before!'

'I like the cider!'

Esmeralda caught the vapors, "OMG! That's Dewey Plot Twist!" she whispered to her girlfriends, "I heard that he was beaten up when he first came here. His brothers didn't stand up for him; one of them sided with the bullies and the other rarely speaks anymore! Oh good God, he's a dreamboat!"

"Totally."

"So hot!"

"Skittles for wizzels!" agreed her friends.

"Sorry for dropping in like this." cracked Dewey, coy, "I decided to go and socialize with the classmates that I never talk to."

Esmeralda began excitedly, "It's so nice to meet you at last! Well, not exactly 'meeting you', you're always in class but you never speak, so I guess it's nice to—speak to you."

Dewey smiled, "Well it's a pleasure to talk to you, too."

"Dewey," Esmeralda started, a little tentatively, "could you tell us a bit about yourself. Like why you don't talk in class?"

DANCING THROUGH LIFE {from 'Wicked'}

Dewey: The trouble with schools is they always try to teach the wrong lesson! Believe me, I've been kicked out of enough of them to know. They want you to become less callow, less shallow. But I say, 'Why invite stress in?' Stop studying strife, and learn to live the unexamined life.

Dancing through life, skimming the surface, gliding where turf is smooth.

Life's more painless, for the brainless. Why think so hard when it's so soothing—

Dancing through life, no need to tough it when you can slough it off as I do!

Nothing matters but knowing nothing matters. It's just life, so keep dancing through!

Dancing through life, swaying and sweeping and always keeping cool.

Life is fraught-less, when you're thoughtless. Those who don't try never look foolish.

Dancing through life, mindless and careless. Make sure you're where less trouble is rife!

Woes are fleeting, blows are glancing when you're dancing through life!

{speaking}

So, what's the most swankified place in town?

Esmeralda: That would be the Limedust Ballroom.

{note, the Limedust Ballroom is the only club at ZYK HQ. it is named after Jacob Snicket's deceased wife Lime for which his son Lemony is named}

Dewey: Sounds perfect!

{singing}

Let's go down to the Limedust Ballroom!

We'll meet there later tonight!

We can dance 'till it's light. Find the prettiest girl, give her a whirl!

{he twirls Esmeralda around}

Right on down to the Limedust Ballroom, come on follow me.

You'll be happy to be there.

All: Dancing through life, down at the Limedust.

Dewey: If only because dust is what we come to!

All: Nothing matters, but knowing nothing matters!

It's just life—

Dewey: So keep dancing through!

{everyone leaves except for Dewey, who moves to a corner, Beatrice, who is in the opposite corner and Bertrand who approaches Esmeralda, who is still standing by the statue}

Bertrand: {speaking} Uh, Miss Esmeralda, I hope you'll save at least one dance for me. I'll be right there. Waiting. All night.

Esmeralda: {disturbed} Oh, that's so kind. But you know what would be even kinder?

{singing, gesturing to Beatrice}

See that tragically beautiful girl?

The one with no hair?

It seems so unfair that we should go on a spree and not she—gee!

I know someone would be my hero if that someone were to go invite her!

Bertrand: {speaking} Well maybe, I could invite her?

Esmeralda: {singing} Oh Berty, really? You would do that for me?

Bertrand: {speaking} I would do anything for you, Miss Esmeralda.

{he walks to Beatrice and leads her off. Dewey joins Esmeralda in center}

Esmeralda: So—

Dewey: So, I'll be picking you up around eight?

Esmeralda: After all—

{singing}

Now that we've met one another.

Dewey and Esmeralda: It's clear we deserve each other!

Esmeralda: You're perfect.

Dewey: You're perfect.

Dewey and Esmeralda: So we're perfect together! Born to be forever.

DANCING THROUGH LIFE!

{the scene darkens and lights up again revealing that we are in Beatrice's dorm. Beatrice is leaning against her bed and Olivia is sitting in a chair across from her, listening to her excited ramblings}

Beatrice: {speaking} Oh, Olivia isn't it wonderful?

{singing}

Finally, for this one night I'm about to have a fun night with this Bastardian boy Esmeralda found for me.

And I only wish there were something I could do for her, to repay her.

Olivia see?

We deserve each other and Esmeralda helped it come true! We deserve each other, me and Bertrand.

{speaking}

Please Olivia, try to understand.

Olivia: {singing} I do.

{the scene darkens again and lights up to reveal that we are on the HQ's decorative stone bridge. Esmeralda is surrounded by her giggling, bubbly, incredibly annoying friends. she holds a velvet hat box}

Esmeralda: {speaking} My grandmother is so jealous of my gorgeous blonde hair, you see. So she gives me these disgusting wigs.

{she opens the box and takes out a tangled black wig which she and her friends stare at in revulsion. Olivia comes across the bridge to them}

Olivia: Esmeralda, listen. Becca and I were talking about you just now.

Esmeralda: And I was just talking about you! I thought you might want to wear this wig at the party tonight!

{singing}

It's really—uh—odd! Don't you think?

You know, black is this year's pink!

You deserve each other, this wig and you. You're both so smart!

You deserve each other, so here, out of the goodness of my heart!

{she thrusts the wig on Olivia as the scene darkens once more. this time the lights burst on in the glamorous Limedust Ballroom. everyone is dancing energetically. all three of the Plot Twist triplets are grinding Esmeralda. Olaf and Kit are dirty dancing, Jacques and Lemony are doing the robot, and Madame Winston-Hughes is dancing around with a lampshade on her head and a bottle of booze in her hand. the crowd clears, revealing Bertrand—dressed in his nerdy Sunday best—and Beatrice—wearing a cute beige gown—standing in center}

Beatrice: {speaking} What's in the punch?

Bertrand: A series of unfortunate fruit.

Beatrice: Oh my!

Bertrand: {singing} Listen, Becca—

Beatrice: {speaking} Yes?

Bertrand: {singing} Uh Becca, I've got something to confess—A reason why, well, why I asked you here tonight.

Now I know it isn't fair—

Beatrice: {speaking} Oh, Bertrand, I know why.

Bertrand: {speaking} You do?

Beatrice: {singing} It's because I have no hair, and you felt sorry for me. Well isn't that right?

Bertrand: {speaking} No! It's—it's because:

{singing}

BECAUSE YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!

Beatrice: Oh, Bertrand I think you're wonderful!

And we deserve each other, don't you see this is our chance?

We deserve each other. Don't we Bertrand?

Bertrand: {speaking} You know what?

Let's dance!

Beatrice: What?

Bertrand: {singing} Let's dance!

{they break into a waltz.}

All: Dancing through life!

Down at the Limedust, if only because dust is what we come to!

And the strange thing, your life could end up changing while you're dancing THROUGH!

THE CURTAIN—

"WAIT!" screamed Esmeralda, running into the middle of the floor, trampling over Bertrand, who was rewarded with a winning chance to look up her fluffy pink skirt.

"My next song is a solo. Can't we at least do that before we go to those boring kids?"

"Okay." I was getting very annoyed with Esmeralda and her story extensions, "One more scene!"

"Thank you."

But before we can get to that last scene, we have to endure a bit more dialogue.

At the top of the Grand Ballroom Stairs there appeared the imposing figure of Olivia. She had donned a sleeveless navy blue dress for the occasion and was wearing the black wig that Esmeralda had given her; it was this wig that had muffled the sharp hissing that usually accompanied Olivia's arrival.

Instantly the music was silenced, all dancing stopped and all singing ceased as everyone noticed the dreaded 'Snake Chick' arrive on the scene.

Olivia descended the stairs and stood in the center of the dance floor, prompting everyone else to clear off of it. After a short silence, she proceeded to perform some painfully cringe-worthy spaz-tastic dance in complete silence.

As everyone was staring, Madame Anwhistle entered, and pulled Esmeralda aside.

"Yes, Madame Anwhistle?" Esmeralda asked, her eye listing off to glance at Olivia's 'dance'.

"I really don't want to do this." began Madame Anwhistle sullenly, "But, Esmeralda Lowersham, by the power invested in me you are now a member of the ZYK Academy sorcery seminar."

She handed Esmeralda a gilded silver wand with an expression of revulsion on her face.

"Thank you," Esmeralda was in awe, "But—but why?"

Madame Anwhistle cut her off, tersely, "Believe me, if it were up to me, I would've laughed at you and spat in your face, but Miss Olivia insisted that I let you into the group or she would quit and I simply cannot afford to lose such a gifted girl as her. So take your wand and report to your first class, Monday at five o'clock. Sharp!"

She hurried off, leaving Esmeralda staring at the wand in her hand, a smile coming over her face, and a feeling of guilt eating at her soul. Olivia was trying to thank her for getting her sister a date! And she had been so cruel to her.

Dewey walked over to her and whispered into her ear, "Look at her!" he pointed to the still-spazzing Olivia, "Doesn't she realize that we're all gawking at her like she's some kind of side-show freak at an abandoned carnival in the wilderness?"

"Of course she realizes it." said Esmeralda quietly, realization coming to her, "She just pretends not to care. 've been such a—a—B*TCH!"

Dewey patted her on the shoulder in a meaningless attempt to try and comfort somebody he had only just met. Esmeralda lovingly moved his hand away from her and stepped onto the dance floor with Olivia, joining her in spaz-tically wonderful dance.

Immediately, murmurs spread like wildfire through the crowd, "Esmeralda's dancing with the snake chick!"

"If she's dancing, we should be dancing too!"

"'Dancing' is a word which here means: 'Exerting a good deal of energy by jumping and spinning around for no good reason'."

So, as Lemony would have put it, mob psychology took over and eventually everyone was doing the spaz-dance with Esmeralda and Olivia.

Olivia looked over at her worst enemy who had defied all of her expectations of her and done something kind, "Thanks for helping Becca and sticking up for me."

Esmeralda smiled back at her, "And thanks for hooking me up with that sorcery seminar."

"So—"

"So I guess we're friends now!"

"Wow." Olivia had never really had a friend before; unless one counted Beatrice, that is.

"Want to go to our dorm and tell stories?"

"Sure, I'll be right behind you!"

Esmeralda skipped off, out of the Limedust Ballroom. Olivia made to follow but someone tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and saw that is was one of the busboys, a portly fellow with olive skin and thinning black hair.

"Hi." he started nervously, Olivia gave him a small smile, "Hi. Did you want something?"

"I just wanted to say: I really think you're awesome. You stepped out onto the floor and everything was focused on you! You've got a lot of guts."

"Thank you!" Olivia felt herself blush, two friends in one night? Who could believe it?

"My name's Richie the Avocado. I don't go to the Academy. Parents couldn't afford it. I take the night classes."

This was certainly a lot of information for a first encounter. This boy must really like her!

Olivia looked at him, "I'm Olivia Caliban, but you probably know me as 'The Snake Chick'."

"Really? I didn't know that you were—her."

"I have a new hairstyle." Olivia joked innocently, running her fingers through her tangled new wig and silently thanking Esmeralda for this new way to hide her mutation.

"Want to come up to my place for dinner?" Richie asked, perhaps a little too hopefully.

Olivia felt her heart beat frantically. A boy was asking her to go to dinner with him! What was she supposed to say?

"Um—" she trailed off, "That would be great! Thanks, Richie."

Now for a scene that wasn't in 'Wicked' at all:

Richie lived in a cramped little apartment above the Limedust. It was filthy, it was smelly and it was actually quite cozy, really. Richie led Olivia into the one room modesty of his humble abode.

"This is where I cook," he said, gesturing to a porcelain hotplate. "This is where I eat," he turned to a folding table and chair. "And this is where I sleep."

They both looked at a heap of dirty sheets on a rusty metal bed-spring.

"Well—" Olivia looked at her new—friend? Acquaintance? Weird guy she had just met? She looked at Richie and said, "What's for dinner?"

"Let's see." Richie bent down and opened a little ice-box that I neglected to mention earlier, "We've got frozen lasagna, frozen flounder, frozen lard and frozen pig gizzards."

"Whatever is the least trouble." said Olivia, who had learned to be compliant from her Father's drunken rantings.

"I guess that'll be lasagna, then." said Richie, putting the ice-coated lump of sauce and cheese onto the hot-plate.

Olivia sat down in the chair at Richie's request and sipped from a bottle of ice-water he had provided for her.

"Olivia, can I ask you something?" he asked, nervously.

"I guess so."

"Can I—can I see your hair?"

Olivia stopped in her tracks, "My hair?"

"Yes. If you do have snakes, I think—I think I can help you."

Reluctantly, Olivia removed her wig, letting the braid of snakes slide down to her waist.

Richie set about running his fingers through the tight knot of snakes, whispering odd words under his breath.

"What are you doing?" Olivia asked in awe as the snakes wrapped their already tangled bodies around Richie's hand, "They might hurt you!"

"No they won't." Richie assured her, "I'm a snake charmer like the rest of my family. I'm gonna try to soothe them."

Olivia felt her heart flutter as he ran his full, russet hand through her cold-blooded hair. Her eyes rolled back nearly into her skull as she felt his hands on her. Why was she feeling like this? What was happening to her?

"Ah!" Richie let out a small cry as one of the snakes bit him, he staggered back and stumbled, falling on the floor.

"Richie!" Olivia moaned. What had she done?

Wait! The snakes. She didn't feel them squirming and writhing to escape their braid anymore! She ran her hand along them, Richie had let them enter the realm of peaceful sleep. The snakes rarely ever slept.

"It's alright. I'm fine." Richie insisted as his skin assumed a frightening gray pallor.

"No, you're not fine!" Olivia corrected him as she inspected the mark the snake had left on his hand, it wasn't bleeding much but Olivia knew that with her snakes the danger wasn't in the bite, it was in the venom.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me." Richie teetered to his feet. A moment later he clutched his stomach and keeled over once more.

"Don't worry Richie," Olivia tried to console him, "I know what to do."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I've had experience with these sort of things. It's happened eleven times before, to be exact. All I have to do is suck—"

He stared at her.

"Don't be gross!" she said, "I mean I have to suck the venom out through the wound."

WARNING: KINKINESS AHEAD

Olivia took Richie's hand in her's and placed her lips on the bite. His skin felt cold to the touch, though his blood was sizzling hot with the venom that was bent on destroying him. She inhaled, felt the venom course through her lips. It was no harm to her of course; in all respects the venom was hers to begin with and so she was immune to it.

Richie's eyes brightened up once more and he looked at the girl whom he had just met and who had just saved his life.

"I feel—better then ever."

Olivia blushed, "It's you, who I should thank. No one's ever actually tried to interact with the snakes before. People always run and scream. You're the first person to get them to sleep. How—how can I ever thank you?"

She didn't realize it then, but, as she spoke, she was unzipping her dress.

"How can I ever thank you?" echoed Richie as he unbuttoned his bus-boy shirt.

I think we'll give the lovers some privacy for now. I believe Olivia forgot her previous engagement with her new friend, Esmeralda. Let's get back to her so we can do her solo and get to the kids.

I swear, these chapters keep getting longer and longer!

Esmeralda sat on her pink bed...well, the bed itself wasn't pink, the sheets and two dozen pillows were. Esmeralda, in case you haven't figured it out by now, is very attached to pink. Her dresses were mostly pink, with the occasional white, gold or her one red Chanel gown. Her bed was pink, three quarters of her hundreds of shoes were in varying shades of pink.

Anyway, moving back to story things: Esmeralda was clad in her skimpy and rather tempting hot pink night-gown, doing her bedtime make-up with the aid of a small compact mirror.

Suddenly, the door opened and Olivia burst in, adjusting her wig over her, unusually silent, snake-braid.

"There you are!" Esmeralda said, exasperated, "I've been waiting for an hour! What were you doing back at the dance?"

Olivia felt it hard to explain that she hadn't been at the dance for the past hour but rather, had been sprawled out on the floor of the one-room apartment of a bus-boy she had just met. After all, she and Esmeralda hadn't been on friendly terms at all until only a few moments ago...there was a definite limit to the amount of things they should know about each other.

"I was enjoying the punch." Olivia said, inventing the worst excuse in the history of the Universe.

"Oh. Alright." accepted Esmeralda, being the bright little bulb that she was, "I taught we could trade secrets until we felt tired!"

Olivia looked at her new friend. Trade secrets? Was this what normal friends did immediately after meeting each other?

"Come on, it's fun! I'll start." Esmeralda was in rapturous excitement as she whispered her secret into Olivia's ear, "Dewey and I are going to be married! OHHHHHHHH!" she caterwauled in bubbly joy.

"He's already asked you?" wondered Olivia incredulously, thinking about Richie and how they had gone from two strangers to two lovers in the course of one hour.

"Oh, he doesn't know yet." said Esmeralda meekly, "Well, now you tell a secret!"

Olivia paused, "I don't think I have any secrets." she said "Well, at least not any worth telling."

"That's not fair, I told you a REALLY good one!" Esmeralda pouted.

Olivia looked at her and sighed, "My life's an open book."

"Really? Then why don't you tell me you have this green bottle under your pillow." Esmeralda challenged taking the little bottle out from under Olivia's drab gray pillow.

"Give that back!" Olivia charged forward, reaching for the bottle which Esmeralda held above her head. "Come on, just one little answer won't hurt." Esmeralda scrunched up her face.

"It belonged to my mother." Olivia sighed, taking the bottle that Esmeralda reached to her and putting it in her little wooden desk.

"Now can you please, please, PLEASE tell me a secret?" asked Esmeralda, Olivia looked at her and gave in, "My father hates me."

Esmeralda gasped in horror.

"No, that's not the secret. The secret is he has a good reason."

"What reason?" Esmeralda was on the edge of her seat.

"When my mother was carrying Becca, my Father was worried that the baby would come out—you know." she ran her hands through her sleeping snakes.

"So he made my Mother chew Wivelbevel leaves. But the leaves led to Becca being born early and her head came out—bald. And the birth was so much strain that Mother died before she could even see her new daughter."

Esmeralda took Olivia's hand and patted it, "But that was the Wivelbevel leaves' fault, not yours." she said comfortingly.

Olivia shook her head, "No, it was my fault because I had to be born with snakes growing out of my head!"

"Well," Esmeralda began, her voice glinting with hope, "we can fix that, if you like."

"You've helped enough, Esmeralda. You've already given me a wig."

"No! No! With my help, people won't even notice those snakes! I mean, I have a very, very, very small mole on the small of my back but no one notices! And do you know why?"

"Well, do you run around shirtless a lot?" Olivia offered, "Because, if you don't, then—"

"No, silly! They don't notice it because I'm popular. And with my help you can be popular too!"

Now for the last song before we go back to the other half of the story. We had this song in Book 3 but I see no reason not to reprise it, especially since I've included some interspersed dialogue this time!

POPULAR {from 'Wicked'}

Esmeralda: Whenever I see someone less fortunate then I. And let's face it, who isn't less fortunate then I?

My tender heart tends to start to bleed.

And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to take over. I know—I know exactly what they need.

{she looks Olivia up and down and gives her a small smile}

And even in your case—

{pause}

Though it's the toughest case I've yet to face! Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed. Follow my lead and yes indeed. You will be popular!

{she hauls Olivia to her feet}

You're gonna be popular!

I'll teach you the proper poise when you talk to boys!

Little ways to flirt and flounce—oh!

I'll show you what shoes to wear.

{she takes of pair of strap-on hot pink heels off of her enormous shoe-rack and slips them onto Olivia's feet}

How to fix your hair.

{she carefully undoes the braid of sleeping snakes and gently spreads them out around Olivia's shoulders}

Everything that really counts to be popular!

I'll help you be popular!

You'll hang with the right cohorts!

You'll be good at sports!

Know the slang you've got to know!

So let's start, because you've got an awfully long way to go!

Don't be offended by my frank analysis!

Think of it as personality dialysis!

Now that I've I chosen be a pal, a sister and adviser, your fashion adviser. There's nobody wiser!

Not when it comes to popular!

{she rummages in her wardrobe and takes a pile of dresses in various shades of pink and white out. she holds each dress in front of Olivia and tosses it into the corner during her next lines}

I know about popular!

And with some assist from me to be who you'll be, instead of dreary who you were. Well, are!

There's nothing that can stop you from becoming Popular. Lar!

{she does her own spaz-tastic dance around the room}

La! La! La! La!

I'm gonna make you popular!

{she takes out her compact mirror and a bit of scarlet lipstick which she starts artfully spreading across Olivia's lips}

When I see depressing creatures with such unprepossessing features, I'll remind them on their own behalf to think of celebrated heads of state or specially great communicators!

Did they have brains or knowledge?

Don't make me laugh!

{she giggles}

They were popular!

Please, it's all about popular!

It's not about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed!

So it's very shrewd to be very, very popular, like me!

Olivia: {speaking} This is never going to work!

Esmeralda: Oh, you mustn't think that way anymore! Your whole life is about to change and it's all because of ME!

{she takes her new magic wand from her wardrobe and points it at Olivia}

I am now going to transform your simple frock into a magnificent ballgown!

{she waves the wand}

Ballgown!

{nothing happens. she waves the wand again}

Ballgown!

{nothing happens again. she starts slamming the wand against her bed-post, trying to get some reaction from it}

Olivia: Do you want me to try?

Esmeralda: Oh, just wear the frock! It's pretty!

{she tosses the wand back into the wardrobe}

Why look at you, Olivia!

{she holds the compact to Olivia's face}

You're beautiful!

{Olivia looks at herself in the mirror and her voice breaks}

Olivia: I have to go.

{she hurries out of the room. Esmeralda looks after her}

Esmeralda: You're welcome!

{singing}

And though you protest, your disinterest. I know clandestinely, you're gonna grin and bear it, your new-found popularity!

{she collapses on her bed and rolls around on it}

La! La! La! La!

You'll be popular! Just not quite as popular as—ME!

THE CURTAIN—

"Wait." I cut in, looking at Esmeralda, "You're not gonna try and stop me?"

"Nah, I have bigger fish to fry!"

She looked at herself in the mirror again and began toying with her hair.

"Alrighty then. To the kids!"

THE CURTAIN FALLS

EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER

After the Baudes, Quags and freaks had gotten to know each other a tad better, Hugo put on a kettle of Earl Gray, which is not gray, but the color of average tea, and set out a tray of biscuits.

"So, whereabouts are you guys from?" Hugo asked casually.

The children all looked to Violet, who was not only the oldest among them but also was considered the leader of their rag-tag group.

"We—" Violet started, "we're from a little flyspeck of an island in the middle of the ocean. You've probably never heard of it."

"Is that, like, why you dress like the Amish?" wondered Collete. Isadora's eyes were as flaming as her hair, "Who are you to talk about how we dress? At least I don't wear gold skinnies and a sport's bra!"

Indeed, that was what Collete was wearing. Kevin sprang to her defense, "These clothes aren't choice," he explained, gesturing to his tailored sport coat with his seventh arm, "They're our uniforms."

"Uniforms?" said Duncan, bemused and not noticing that he was causing his tea to freeze over.

"Is this some sort of job?" asked Chubs, while allowing Isadora to rest her head on his solid pecks.

"More or less." reasoned Hugo, "Madam saves our lives and in return we do her bidding."

"And her bidding is what exactly?" mused Duncan. Hugo replied, "Her bidding is that we help make the world a better place."

"That's pretty corny." Isadora snorted, running her fingers through Chubs' silky black hair.

"Madam isn't as wicked as most people say she is." Hugo said sagely, "She would help people herself but she has to keep her identity secret. She has a lot of skeletons in her closet."

"Listen," Violet cut him off, "we can't stay here. My brother and I have to find our sister, and our friends here have to find their parents!"

"Though ass." Collete smirked, "You're, like, gonna have to get fitted for costumes and shiz tomorow and then it's, like, slave time!"

"You don't seem to grasp our situation, sirs." insisted Duncan, "Wherever we go, we are pursued by a series of queer events! We must end it and we can't until both our families are whole once more."

"Like Collete said," Kevin sighed, "Though ass!"

Chubs rose from his seat and grasped Kevin's neck in his new, strong hand, "You ruddy bastard!" He said through clenched teeth, "You are going to let us go or I'll rip off every one of those arms!"

"It's not my decision to make!" Kevin gasped, "It's the B*tch's!"

Collete stretched her arm out and wound it around Chubs' own neck, "Let him go!"

Isadora lashed out a whip of fire that barely missed her, "You dirty, slutt Let _him_ go!"

A fierce fight broke out in which fire turned to ice, random objects flew through the air and Hugo, tried to calm everyone down by doing some kind of hyper Step-dance.

Suddenly, the silence was rent by a sharp gunshot from outside.

"What the hell was that?" Everyone chorused.

Well, let's see for ourselves:

Back at the gate, Madame Lulu had lowered her shotgun and, eyes still fixated on Reggie had invited Olaf and company into her tent.

She looked at Olaf again as she poured out one of her many bottles of red wine. He didn't seem to recognize her—well, that was understandable; they had barely spoken at school.

Richie, though recognized her perfectly, he seemed to be resisting the urge to wrap his arms around her and sob into her bosom. She felt the same way.

"So, Count Omar—" she began casually, purposefully slurring his name to create the feeling of strangers.

"My name is Olaf, Madame." he corrected her.

"Euosminoa!" shrieked the baby in his arms. By the way, Sunny meant to say: "And don't you forget it you harlot!"

"What a charming baby." Lulu continued, "Is she yours?" She never would've imagined Olaf settling down with anyone. Except maybe Kit Snicket.

Olaf sniggered, "More or less." before kissing the baby full on the mouth.

Lulu nearly dropped the glass she was holding. Olaf had resorted to fondling a baby? She knew he would sink low, but she never would've dreamed he would sink _that_ low.

"What's her name?" she managed to choke out.

"Sunny Baudelaire!" proclaimed the baby. This time Lulu nearly fainted. Baudelaire. Bertrand Baudelaire. Beatrice Baudelaire. Beatrice Caliban. Her sister! Olaf was in love with her niece! Lulu had known that she had two nieces and a nephew but she had never met them. Hell, she didn't even recognize them. Didn't Sunny know that she was making filthy love with her parents' murderer?

"You look a bit faint, love." remarked the hook-handed one while tweezing his eyebrows with his left apendage.

"I just need a glass of water." she said feebly, pouring herself one.

"This is really a very cozy place!" said the prettier of those two powder-faced women. "Quite," agreed her uglier sister, "It's like something out of a gothic romance novel!"

"I hate novels." said the man-woman tiredly, "They always end just when they're getting good."

"Well," Lulu continued, "How did you come to be wandering this wasteland? I've managed this carnival for years and I rarely get guests."

"We were escaping a fire." Olaf gave a half-assed explanation that, improbable as it seemed, we know was actually true.

"Well, I'm afraid you're stuck here." Lulu sighed dejectedly, "I don't own a car and, as I said, travelers almost never come by way of Sometimes Ridden Road. So until someone does come, I do believe you will have to stay here."

Olaf's brow creased in frustration, "Well, we'll just have to find a way to bring more people here then there's ever been!"

Lulu blanched. Were she a real, honest carny—or as honest as a carny can be—she would be thrilled to get extra publicity. But she wasn't a carny. She was on Lemony Snicket Land's 'Most Wanted' list, she was called a B*tch and frankly, it wouldn't do to have a lot of attention attracted to her.

"I suppose that can be worked around." she trailed off, more to herself then to the others, "Let me show you to one of our spare tents and get you settled in."

Now, Richie gave a cry of pain and put his finger to his lip, "What is it, Baldy?" asked Olaf tersely. "I got a—a paper cut. That's right!" he replied nervously.

Lulu smiled, Richie was trying to buy some alone time with her.

"I'll tend to his wound." she said hurriedly, "You all just wait in the midway."

They all begrudgingly filed out, leaving Lulu alone with Richie.

"I never taught I'd see you again." she gasped, unbuttoning his shirt. There was a pause and then she realized that she was crying.

He too was weeping, "Oh, look at you. Here. I can't control myself, just looking at you and I feel that passion. That lust from our old days together."

"How are you even alive, Richie?"

He laughed a bit, "It's 'Reggie' now. And you should know how I'm alive, you saved me."

"And—and nothing bad happened to you?"

Reggie's smile slipped, "I didn't say that." He looked at his watch and saw that the time was nearly eleven at night, "You should go. It's—it's going to happen any minute now."

Lulu clutched his shoulders, "What? What's going to happen? Oh God, Richie, what did I do to you?"

Now Reggie doubled over with clenched teeth, "Once a month." he managed to groan, "At the full moon—"

His face paled and he doubled up into a ball on the floor, Lulu wrapping her arms around him. She didn't need anymore explanation. She knew now how she had cursed her beloved.

As her hands grasped his arm, she felt Richie's muscles bulge, his hands clench into hairy fists. She heard him groan and struggle to speak as his face elongated into a snout, his teeth extending past his jaw, turning into fangs. His clothes ripped, his feet bursting through his shoes and his voice melting into the soft baying of a dog in pain.

The beast that had once been her lover rose to his padded feet and loomed, at least one foot taller than Lulu.

"Look at me." he said, "You can't possibly want this anymore."

Lulu felt new tears streak down her cheeks, "Of course I want you. It's my fault that this has happened to you. And no matter what you look like I intend to love you."

WARNING: BESTIALITY IMPLIED KINKINESS AHEAD

They wrapped their arms about each other and kissed, full and passionate. In that kiss they made up for everything. The months that had passed between then and their parting. And the eighteen years that had passed from then to their first parting.

I need not say what happened next. ;)

Back in the midway, Olaf wrapped his black cloak, the last remnant of his Phantom of the Hotel disguise, around himself and Sunny to ease away the coming cold of midnight.

"Reggie must have one hell of a paper cut." remarked Tocuna, listening to the moans, gasps and rumbling sounds coming from Madame Lulu's tent.

Mr. Poe appeared from out of the shadows. "Where have you been, slave?" Olaf asked of him. He replied, "I think I have a very severe case of diarrhea! The thicket—oh, mercy!"

He passed out again.

Now, new sounds filled the night. The sounds were that of arguing and scuffling and they seemed to be coming from a nearby caravan.

"Sounds like someone's having an orgy." mused Fernald. "Let's go and get a closer look!" said Flo excitedly, leading the group to the caravan, leaving Poe passed out in the mud.

"Godiva!" Sunny said, which meant, "That hellish yelling sound sounds very familiar."

"What're we waiting for?" wondered Enya, "Let's knock!"

It was about to do this when the door opened for it and a whir of bodies stormed out.

"If that's how you asses feel, then we might as well sleep outside!" yelled the silver haired girl. She was followed by three other equally strange people, a boy with blue skin, a girl with flaming hair, and a boy who was the epitome of every woman's deepest, darkest fantasies.

They stopped short when they saw Olaf and his group.

Of course, there was no doubt in the Baude or Quag minds that these people were their baby ex-companion and arch-nemesis'.

"Cliff-Hanger!" murmured Sunny. And that's where we'll leave this incredibly long chapter for today!

A/N: That just may have been the longest chapter in the history of A Series of Queer Events! We know now who Richie {AKA Reggie} is to Lulu {AKA Olivia}. We know that Olivia and Esmeralda {AKA Esme} were friends. We know that Beatrice and Bertrand were reluctantly brought together by Esme {AKA Esmeralda}. We know that Olaf and Kit were very close at school. Most importantly, we know that the Baudes and the Quags have a platoon of enemies who don't seem to be aware of who they really are. Oh! And if anyone's keeping up with the murders in _Mount Rancour_, Chapter 5 will be put up sometime today!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4, I'm Not That Sentimental Man

Disclaimer: You know, I'm too tired to think of a witty joke. Just know that this stuff isn't ours.

A/N: It's late at night as I type this. I would've gotten this chapter up earlier, had a not been dining on lemon meringue pie at a friend's house. But, moving on! Thanks to Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing as always! And also thanks to the lovely Ginger Cookie 101 for subscribing. I'd also like to apologize to said Cookie, and say that I'll try and call her again tomorrow. Well, let's get starting on this chapter which is just as long as the previous one!

Eighteen Years Previously:

We rejoin our wacky friends at ZYK one week after we had seen them last.

I'll give you a little overview so you can understand what's been going on:

Esmeralda and Olivia continued to be inseparable friends. Esmeralda even got her groupies to stop calling Olivia the 'snake chick'.

Every night, Olivia would visit Richie, they would have some 'fun' and then he would soothe her snakes.

Esmeralda and Dewey became very close and were rumored to be 'getting down' every Saturday night.

Oh, and Madame Anwhistle kept on writing letters to the Snicket in hopes of him answering her desperate pleads for—something.

All in all, things were very weird, as per usual, at ZYK Academy.

Now, to the story!

We rejoin our cast in the same place where we rejoined them last chapter: in Dr. Cornbluth's Inventing Class.

The good doctor had not yet arrived and the students were all chattering warmly on the benches.

Olivia had taken to keeping her wig off of late seeing as her snakes were always asleep. What's more, the cuddly reptiles didn't seem to much bother anyone anymore. She was standing in the corner, practicing tossing her snakes, as Esmeralda had instructed in their nightly 'popular' seminars.

"Toss. Toss." she murmured, flipping her hair around every which way. No one seemed to notice, but it was better than being completely ostracized by everyone.

"Good morning, class." grumbled Dr. Cornbluth, slumping into the room with a coffee mug in one hand and a Monte Cristo sandwich in the other.

"Good morning, Dr. Cornbluth." the class chorused, wondering why he was being a grumpy-face so early in the day.

"I'm only here this morning, class," he continued, "So I can say goodbye to you and your little grubby faces."

"You mean you're leaving?" gasped Olivia.

"Unfortunately, yes." the doctor replied, "I am being sacked by the Headzykstress of B*tchery, Madame—"

But he was cut off as Madame Anwhistle herself strode into the room. She stopped when she saw Dr. Cornbluth, "Oh, Dr. Cornbluth," she started as though she hadn't seen him, "I was just coming to introduce the class to their new, Snicket-Appointed Teacher: Wimbeldon Sausegepot!"

Anyone remember him? The Police Commissioner of Dirty Bastard who shot down the kids at the beginning of Book 3? Ah, of course you remember!

A man in a grey overcoat and bowler hat marched into the Classroom, wheeling a heavy cart laden with menacing items of SUPREME TORTURE! Or something.

"Well, Dr. Cornbluth," Madame Anwhistle looked to him, not-to-kindly and said, "You may leave now."

The miserable fatass huffed, snapped his satchel shut and stormed out, to a dead silence.

Madame Anwhistle now began to generally introduce them to Dr. Sausagepot, "Dr. Sausagepot enjoyed great success at Dirty Bastard Community College as a janitor before we found him and thought that he would make a decent teacher."

Dr. Sausagepot tipped his bowler, "Pleased to meet you kids, you shee you shee!" They all stared at him, wondering why he couldn't pronounce the word 'see' correctly. He continued, "You shee, you shee, I hope you all enjoy me teaching you for the next three years, you shee, you shee!"

More blank stares.

Madame Anwhistle looked from the students to their new professor, wondering if appointing a janitor to be a teacher was a very good idea.

"Well, good luck. You're going to need it!" she whispered to Dr. Sausagepot before leaving the room.

Esmeralda raised her hand, "Um, Dr. Sausagepot?" she began.

"What is it, sweet-cheeks?"

"What's all the stuff on that menacing looking cart for?"

Dr. Sausagepot looked at the various knives, needles, vials of poison and old copies of 'Vogue' on his cart and replied, "Oh, those are supplies for our little experiment, you shee, you shee!"

"Experiment?" mused Bertrand, who was attempting to escape Beatrice, who kept a firm hold on his arm.

"Yes indeed boy, you shee, you shee!" nodded Dr. Sausagepot, "All I have to do, you shee, you shee, is have my new assistant bring in the subject, you shee, you shee!" he now let loose a wild cry, "BOY! BRING IN THE SUBJECT, YOU SHEE, YOU SHEE!"

The door opened and in walked someone who only Olivia knew: Richie the Avocado. As Olivia reasoned, Dr. Sausagepot had hired the local busboy to help him out for a few pennies a day. Richie was carrying a cage, draped over which was an old sheet.

"Thank you, boy, you shee, you shee!" Dr. Sausagepot nodded, "Inside this cage is the most terrifying creature known to man. The INCREDIBLY DEADLY VIPER!"

There was a little pause before Dr. Sausagepot remembered, "YOU SHEE, YOU SHEE!"

He now pulled the sheet from the cage, revealing a baby snake, black as a pitch dark night and thick as a sewer pipe.

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Esmeralda, "IT'S HORRIFYINGLY DEADLY AND DEATHLY!"

"'Tis so, 'tis so, you shee, you shee!" cackled Dr. Sausagepot.

"What are you going to do to it?" asked Olivia suspiciously, fingering her own snake-ridden hair. Dr. Sausagepot looked at her, "I'm going to stick this disturbingly sharp needle into his wazoo!"

He now produced from his great coat said disturbingly sharp needle and raised it above the IDV.

"Wait!" shouted Olivia, springing to her feet, "Don't touch him, please! It's inhumane—it's monstrous. It's—it's—"

"It's for science, you shee, you shee!" Dr. Sausagepot cut in.

"What do you know about science?" Olivia challenged him, "You're a janitor. You might as well try being a police commissioner! And, what's more, why are you teaching science in inventing class?"

"I will not hear any of this slander, you shee, you shee!"

Dr. Sausagepot advanced towards her and seized her arm, "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, YOU SHEE, YOU SHEE!" he roared.

Now, something very unexpected happened. Richie lept out of the corner where he had been standing and coshed Dr. Sausagepot over the head with the Encyclopedia Snickanita which just so happened to be sitting on a chair in the corner.

"COME ON!" he rushed to Olivia's side and dragged her out of the room, holding the cage in his other hand.

The duo raced out of the building, across the courtyard and into the pine grove just outside the headquarters.

"We'll let him go here." Olivia stopped running, "Thank you." she added, looking at Richie, "You've helped me so much. More then anyone ever has. You're like a-a—a god!" she paused, blushing with embarrassment over the fool that she was making of herself.

Richie took her hands in his, "I'm as human as you are." they kissed, heating in passion as they rolled and slipped in the snow.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper was forced to watch all this through the bars of his cage and therefore became traumatized for life. To add to the poor serpent's misfortune, Olivia struck her foot out at some point in their 'tussle' and the IDV's cage slid into the Swervy Stream and was swept out of sight. No one seemed to notice, however.

Richie sat up suddenly, looking at his hands.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked him, buttoning her blouse.

"This isn't right." Richie trailed off, "You deserve better then me."

Olivia took his head in her hands and said firmly, "Of course I deserve you. We deserve each other! Who else could we possibly have?"

Richie looked deep into her eyes, "Olivia, I can barely afford a home for myself, let alone two of us! My apartment is smaller than the average closet and I go whole nights in a week without food or sleep. You can do better than me. Goodbye, Olivia. I'll see you tonight."

He pulled his coat around himself and took off up the slope toward the headquarters. Olivia felt tears flow down her cheeks as snow began to fall. In her heart she knew that Richie was right; it would be impossible for him to support her. And he wasn't actually 'breaking up' with her. He wanted to keep seeing her, he just didn't think that it was right for her to be deprived by living with him.

I'M NOT THAT GIRL {from 'Wicked'}

Olivia: Hands touch.

Eyes meet.

Sudden silence—

Sudden heat.

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl.

He could be that boy, but I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far.

Don't lose sight of who you are.

Don't remember that rush of joy.

He could be that boy—

I'm not that girl.

Every so often we long to steal to the land-of-what-might-have-been.

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in.

Don't wish—

Don't start—

Wishing only wounds the heart.

I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl.

There's a boy I know—

I love him so—

But still I know—

I'm not his girl.

THE CURTAIN FALLS

"NO!" roared Esmeralda, appearing from around the corner, "I haven't sung at all, this chapter! You know the routine: I get at least one song per chapter! It's in my contract!"

"Alright, alright!" Esmeralda was dearly getting on my nerves by now.

Esmeralda gave me a contemptuous grin as she walked off and Madame Anwhistle arrived in her place, wrapped in a traveling cloak and carrying an umbrella to ward of the snow.

"Oh, there you are, Miss Olivia!" she said warmly, "I have spectacular news! The Snicket has written me back and guess what he said!"

Olivia hastily dried her tears and guessed, "He's going to marry you?"

"No! No! Unfortunately—" she sighed before brightening up once more, "He wants you to be his MAGIC GRAND VIZIER! Isn't that just grand?"

Olivia felt her cheeks warm in joy, "Really?" she gasped, "Oh my God! You mean I get to go—"

"Yes dear. You are going back to DIRTY BASTARD!"

The next morning, Olivia packed her bags and a ZYK private taxi took her down to the nearest train station, by name of RIDDLEYCOMP. The caps lock is key, remember that. She had worn her most formal clothes: a floral print dress, over which was a deep purple lining, over which was a beige cardigan over which was nothing. She had also decided to wear her wig seeing as she had lived all her life in Dirty Bastard being stared at because of her snakes. Why repeat the process?

Esmeralda had come with her to see her off at the platform.

"Olivia, I have some very important news to tell you." she said once they had arrived at the platform for Dirty Bastard.

"What is it?" Olivia inquired, Esmeralda now said very proudly, "In honor of the poor Dr. Cornbluth, who was fired unreasonably, I have changed my name to _Esme_ Lowersham!"

Olivia paused, "Well, that's nice, I suppose."

Esmeralda—well, Esme cut in, "No, it's horrible! No one's going to know who I am! I'll get an identity crisis! I'll lapse into a coma! Everyone's gonna call me 'Fred' or 'Chartreuse' or something horrible like that! And it's just not fair. NOT FAIR!"

Olivia patted her friend on the back, "It's alright, Esme. It doesn't matter what you're called, people are still gonna know who you are!"

Esme straightened up, "Of course, you're right Olivia. I'm a grown woman. Everything is going to be fine."

In an attempt to make small talk, Olivia asked her friend, "So, how are things between you and Dewey?"

"Fine. Well, to tell you the truth, Olivia, he's been pretty distant with me, lately."

Now, Dewey himself appeared, at a run, coming onto the platform.

"Esme, I have to tell you something." he began, panting like a dog.

"Yes?" Esme trailed off. Dewey continued, "You have to leave here! I have a plan to escape, myself. With everything we could ever want!"

"Really?" Esme was incredulous.

"Yes. Go with Olivia. I'll deal with everything here. Now, I've got to go and plan! I'LL MEET YOU IN DIRTY BASTARD!"

Dewey rushed off, leaving the two girls standing, dumbstruck.

"Well—" Esme started.

"That was random." Olivia finished for her, she looked at her friend and said, "So, I guess there's nothing more to keep you here."

ONE SHORT DAY {from 'Wicked'}

Olivia: {speaking} Come with me, to Dirty Bastard.

Unseen Chorus: {singing} One short day in Dirty Bastard!

Esme: {speaking} Oh, I've always wanting to see Dirty Bastard!

{the scene darkens}

Unseen Chorus: One short day in Dirty Bastard!

{the stage lights up blindingly, revealing the streets and skyline of Dirty Bastard. the Bastardians crowd the scene}

Bastardians: One short day in Dirty Bastard!

One short day full of so much to do!

Every way that you look in the Bastard—

There's something exquisite that you'll want to visit before the day's through!

{Olivia and Esme appear from out of the crowd}

Olivia: There are buildings as tall as Loxwood Trees!

Esme: Dress salons!

Olivia: Libraries!

Esme: Palaces!

Olivia: Museums!

Olivia and Esme: A hundred strong!

There are wonders like I've never seen.

Esme: It's all grand!

Olivia: It's all preened!

Olivia and Esme: I think we've found the place where we belong!

I wanna be in this hoi polloi!

Olivia: So I'll be back for good someday!

Esme: To make my life and make my way!

Olivia and Esme: But for today, we'll wander and enjoy.

Bastardians: One short day in Dirty Bastard!

One short day to have a lifetime of fun!

One short day—

Olivia and Esme: And we're warning the Bastard:

Now that we're in here, they'll know we've been here—

All: Before we are done!

Esme: {speaking} Olivia, come on! We'll be late for Snickomania!

Olivia: Remind me, why do we want to see the worst rated show on Bastard-way?

Esme: Because it's Snick-tacular!

{the scene changes to a stage on which an elaborately dressed cast are singing and dancing}

Snickomania Chorus: {singing} Who's the mage whose major itinerary is making all the land merrier?

Who's the sage who sagely sailed in to save our posteriors?

Whose enthuse for hot air ballooning, has all the land honeymooning?

Wooooo—

Snickn't he wonderful?

Our wonderful Snicket!

Olivia and Esme: {appearing on stage} One short day In Dirty Bastard.

One short day to have a lifetime of fun.

What a way to be seeing the Bastard!

Where so many roam to, we'll call it home too.

And then just like now we can say.

We're just two friends.

Olivia: Two good friends.

Esme: Two _best_ friends!

All: Sharing one wonderful, one short—

{a random guard steps out of nowhere}

Guard: {speaking} The Snicket will see you now!

All: Day!

THE CURTAIN—

"Wait!" screamed Esme, "Just a little bit more. Please?"

"Whatever." I grumbled.

Olivia and Esme were led through the halls of the royal palace. Up flights of velvety stairs and past portraits of all the past Snickets, to the dark and lofty Sniketian throne room.

"Wait here for his Supreme Snicket-ness!" the Guard commanded them before leaving and locking the door, sealing the girls in darkness.

"Oh, it's spooky in here." whimpered Esme, "Olivia?" she called.

No answer.

"Olivia?"

Still no answer.

"OLIVIA?"

"What?" came Olivia's voice as her friend appeared from the shadows, "I was having a look around. There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of."

Suddenly a deep booming voice cut into the darkness, "I AM SNICKET, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE! WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU SEEK ME?"

A giant, obscene visage in bronze rolled out of the darkness: the ZYK logo.

After screaming the dickens for a reasonable ten minutes, Esme cut a fine curtsy while Olivia did a kind of spastic bob of the head as a nervous bow.

"Your Snicket-ness." Olivia began, "I'm Olivia."

"Oh! It's you!" the voice was now quiet and fidgety as a rotund little fellow appeared from behind the obscenity: Jacob Snicket.

Esme started fanning herself with her hands, "OMG! It's Jacob Snicket! The ruler of the world! MERCY, SOMEBODY FAN ME!"

She proceeded to pass out from joy.

Jacob stared at her, "Who's that?"

Olivia started carefully, "She's my—friend."

"Ah! Well, I have been eagerly awaiting you, Miss Olivia Caliban! Josephine has told me all about you!"

"Josephine?"

"Why, your teacher!" Jacob smiled at her before calling out, "Josephine! Get your ass over here and say hello to your student!"

At the top of the grand stairs appeared Madame Anwhistle. She was clad in a skin tight evergreen dress and her hair was up in its eternal bun.

"Hello girls!" Madame Anwhistle greeted them.

"Madame Anwhistle," Olivia began, "We just saw you at school. What are you doing here?"

"Tragic news, darlings." she said miserably, "Practically the moment you two left us the whole place was run down by a train! So, I abandoned the dead and suffering and took up a job as new press secretary of Snicket Land!"

"Oh, God." Esme trailed off, "Dewey—"

Needless to say what was going through her mind.

"Well, turning away from these kindred matters," Jacob continued, "I summoned you here, Olivia so I could help you. For you see—"

A SENTIMENTAL MAN {from 'Wicked}

Jacob: I am a sentimental man.

Who quite loves being a father.

That's why I do the best I can to treat each citizen of Snicket Land as a son or daughter.

So Olivia, I'd like to raise you high!

'Cause I think everyone deserves a chance to fly!

And helping you with your ascent allows me to feel so parental!

For I am a sentimental man.

THE CURTAIN FALLS

"ONE MORE SONG!" screeched Esme.

I didn't even question her this time.

"Well Josephine," Jacob turned to Madame Anwhistle, "Fetch the book so we can begin Olivia's tests of virtue and valor and all those other lovely things that begin with 'V'!"

"Of course, Jakey, darling!" Madame Anwhistle gushed, dashing into a cupboard across the room.

"Oh, is there gonna be a test?" Esme panicked on hearing the word 'book', "I didn't study! Oh my God, my life is over!"

Once again everyone stared at her and Madame Anwhistle returned from the cupboard holding a large leather-bound book with crisp, yellowing pages.

Olivia gasped, "Is that—?"

"Yes it is, darling." Madame Anwhistle nodded, sagely, "The Zimmerie. The ancient tome from which all sorcery is derived!"

Esme was awestruck, "Can I touch it?"

"NO!" Madame Anwhistle hissed.

"You want me to read a spell?" Olivia asked nervously. She had seldom purposefully used her powers.

"Yes, Olivia." Jacob placated her, "I will introduce you to the subject. Hugo!"

There was a whirl of black cloak and a tall, dark and handsome fellow marched in.

"This is my Chief Steward, Hugo." Jacob introduced him. "Pleased to meet ya!" Hugo shook Olivia's hand.

Jacob continued, "Hugo always aspired to have super-powers."

"Indeed, I did!"

"So we think it would be pretty neat if you gave them to him!"

Olivia looked from Esme, who gave her the 'thumbs up', to Madame Anwhistle, who gave her a 'get on with it' smile, to Jacob, who handed her the Zimmerie and to Hugo, who flashed her a ridiculous grin.

Olivia opened the Zimmerie on the floor and knelt before it, she looked at the spell labeled 'Complete Physical Transformation'.

Madame Anwhistle was saying to her, "Now, don't be discouraged if you can't directly decipher the ancient language of spells. It took me years before I could do it myself."

But, shockingly to everyone, Olivia slipped effortlessly into the words on the page.

"Athum, grheska, atayo, athum, grheska, atayo—" she chanted.

"Now those are some right, funny words." began Hugo, but before he could finish, he doubled over in pain, "OW!" and collapsed into a heaving, writhing ball underneath his cloak.

"What's wrong?" Olivia turned away from the book to look at him, "He's in pain!"

"YOU THINK?" Hugo's voice screamed from underneath his cloak.

Olivia was frantic, "We have to help him!"

"You can't." Madame Anwhistle said drily, "It's impossible to reverse a spell once it's been cast."

Now, Hugo stood—or what was left of him. He was now stooped and hunched over, a feeble version of the powerful man he had been mere seconds before.

"Oh dear." Hugo muttered, looking down at his new self.

"Oh my God, what have I done?" Olivia trailed off, horrified.

"You've done us a great service!" Jacob said kindly, "And you've also done more than you think you've done!"

He pulled a lever in the corner and a section in the wall slid aside, revealing a cage that contained a menagerie of people with various defects and disfigurements.

"Why?" shrieked Olivia, "Why have you made me do this?"

"We need spies." Madame Anwhistle said flatly, "And it also served as a test for your power. Olivia dear, you can work with us and be bigger than you ever could have imagined!"

Olivia balked, "You expect me to help you?" she asked, shocked, "You've made me curse these poor, innocent people and you want me to HELP YOU?"

"Frankly, yes." replied Jacob.

"Well, I won't!" she snapped, "Come on, Esme, let's get out of here!"

Esme, who had been nonchalantly studying her fingernails, looked up, "But I don't wanna leave!"

"WE'RE LEAVING!"

She grabbed her friend's arm and pulled her into the back staircase, which, being a service staircase, only led upwards.

"Josephine, call out the guard. They know too much!" Jacob commanded his lover.

The girls dashed up the stairs and through the trapdoor into the attic which was much like any other attic: dark, cluttered, smelling of age-old dust etc. etc.

"They're right behind us!" wailed Esme frantically.

"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!" swore Olivia, rummaging for tools amongst the heavy barrage of crates stacked against the walls.

"Here, we can use this to block the door!" Olivia dragged an old bicycle over and moved it so it stood over the trapdoor.

DEFYING GRAVITY {from 'Wicked'}

Esme: {speaking} Olivia, why couldn't you have stayed calm for once, instead of flying off the handle!

{singing}

I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy now!

I hope you're happy how you hurt your cause forever.

I hope you think you're clever!

Olivia: I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy, too!

I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission to feed your own ambition!

Olivia and Esme: {harmony}So though I can't imagine how, I hope you're happy RIGHT NOW!

{Madame Anwhistle appears on a random terrace above the two girls, somehow being able to make a public service announcement to the whole of Dirty Bastard}

Madame Anwhistle: {speaking} Citizens of Snicket Land: there is an enemy who must be found and captured.

Believe nothing she says!

She's evil. Responsible for the mutilation of these POOR, INNOCENT IDIOTS!

Her serpentine hair is but an outward manifestation of her hideous nature.

This repulsion. This distortion. This WICKED B*TCH!

{she leaves the terrace. Olivia leans against a set of shelves and begins trembling violently. Esme grasps her hand}

Esme: Olivia, listen to me. Just say you're sorry.

{singing}

You can still be with the Snicket.

What you've worked and waited for.

You can have all you ever wanted.

Olivia: {speaking, cutting Esme off} I know.

{singing}

But I don't want it.

No!

I can't want it anymore.

Something has changed within me.

Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game!

Too late for second-guessing.

Too late to go back to sleep.

It's time to trust my instincts.

Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity!

I think I'll try defying gravity!

And you can't pull me down!

Esme: Can't I make you understand?

You're having delusions of grandeur.

Olivia: I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so.

Some things I cannot change but 'till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.

Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity!

Kiss me goodbye.

I'm defying gravity and you can't pull me down.

{there is a sound of pounding on the door}

Guards: {speaking, heard offstage} Open the door in the name of His Supreme Snicket-ness!

{Olivia looks around frantically, pulls the Zimmerie out of her shoulder bag and kneels on the floor, flipping through the pages until she comes back upon the mutation spell}

Olivia: {chanting at top speed} Athum, grheska, atayo, athum, grheska, atayo—

{she continues chanting through this next bit of dialogue}

Esme: What are you doing? Stop it! That's what started this whole thing in the first place, that hideous mutation spell!

{Olivia continues chanting}

STOP!

{Olivia looks up from the Zimmerie and Esme covers her eyes, opening them to glance around her tentatively}

Well, where's your terrifying defect?

Maybe you're not as powerful as you think you are.

{suddenly, from the shadowy recesses of that little spot by the trapdoor, the bicycle levitates into the air, having grown beautiful black bat-wings}

Oh! Oh, sweet God!

{Esme backs away and breaks into laughter of joyous hope with Olivia}

Olivia: I told you, Esme! Oh, didn't I tell you?

{she runs into the corner and wheels the bike back to Esme. more pounding and random shouting from the guards beyond the trapdoor. Olivia looks at Esme}

Quick, get on!

Esme: What?

Olivia: Come with me. Think of what we could

do together!

{singing}

Unlimited.

Together we're unlimited.

Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been.

Esme.

Dreams, the way we planned 'em—

Esme: If we work in tandem.

Olivia and Esme: There's no fight we cannot win.

Just you and I defying gravity!

With you and I defying gravity!

Olivia: They'll never bring us down!

{speaking}

Well? Are you coming?

Esme: Olivia, you're trembling!

{she goes to a set of supply shelves and takes a dusty rug covered in intricate woolen patterns}

Here, put this around you.

{disregarding the fact that having a dusty piece of crap wrapped around one's shoulders might give one a serious respiratory problem, Esme cloaks her friend in the rug like a cape. Esme sings}

I hope you're happy.

Now that you're choosing this.

Olivia: {speaking} You too.

{singing}

I hope it brings you bliss.

Olivia and Esme: I really hope you get it.

And you don't live to regret it.

I hope you're happy in the end!

I hope you're happy, my friend.

{more pounding and the trapdoor finally opens, admitting about eight or nine Snicketian guards}

Guard #1: {speaking} There she is!

Guard #2: Get her!

Esme: Wait sir!

{but the guards seize her}

What are you doing?

Unhand me you grubby low-lives!

{Olivia is revealed to be sitting on the bike in the back of the room}

Olivia: It's not her!

She had nothing to do with it!

I'm the one you want.

It's me.

IT'S ME!

{she stands on the pedals like only an experienced biker can, and is levitated by her flying escape vehicle. she pauses just before reaching a hole in the roof and takes off her wig which she holds in her hand revealing her writhing snake hair. she sings}

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly!

And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free.

To those who ground me, take a message back from me.

Tell them how I am defying gravity!

I'm flying high defying gravity!

And soon I'll match them in renown!

And nobody in all the land.

No Snicket that there is or was is ever gonna bring ME DOWN!

Esme: I hope you're happy!

Guards: Look at her, she's wicked!

Get her!

Olivia: Bring me down!

Guards: No one mourns the wicked so we've got to bring her—

Olivia: Ahhh!

Guards: Down!

{the bike carries Olivia out of sight}

THE CURTAIN FALLS

EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER

The atmosphere was rather tense in the midway.

Violet looked at Sunny, Sunny looked at Olaf, Olaf looked at Chubs, Chubs looked at Isadora, Isadora looked at Fernald, Fernald looked at Flo, Flo looked at Tocuna, Tocuna looked at Enya, Enya looked at Mr. Poe, who had caught up with them, Mr. Poe looked at Duncan, Duncan looked at Violet and the circle began once again.

The three freaks stood in the doorway of the caravan, wondering what was going on between all these people.

Finally, the awkward silence was broken by Olaf saying, "IT'S THEM!" in a maniacally mad voice.

"Who are you talking about, again?" wondered Fernald.

Sunny stared at her old friends and siblings, bug-eyed, finally she said, "Utinatov!" which meant, "That can't be them, darling! They're too interesting!"

The fact is: Sunny recognized her siblings to be who they truly were. Though, she still possessed enough loyalty that she wasn't about to get them away.

Olaf stared at them again and then resolved, "Ah! Sorry about that, weirdos! I could have sworn you were what you look like. Well, what are your names?"

Violet thought for a moment before replying, "We have no names. We're inter-dimensional beings from the space between spaces who just so happen to be stranded here."

The freaks stared at her, quite sure that she had told them differently earlier. Violet gave them a sharp warning glare.

Flo started clapping her hands in excitement, "Just like space-men!"

Everyone stared at her. She quieted down.

Now, Madame Lulu appeared to the children for the first time, looking rather pleased. She was followed by Reggie the Bean who was also rather relaxed in appearance. And his clothes were in tatters and that.

"Ah, Madame Lulu!" Olaf turned to her, "I've been thinking and I think I've come up with the perfect way to attract publicity to your humble carnival!"

Lulu faltered, "How?"

"We throw a Masquerade Ball and we invite all the police. Commissioner Sausagepot and all the top figures of society!"

Everyone looked absolutely horrified, except, that is, Flo who gasped, "A Masquerade? I get to dress up? Woo-hoo!"

We'll leave them for now.

"Esme, this place smells like crap!" Carmelita Spats whined, "Do we really have to stay here?"

After wandering the Hinterlands for a day without food or water, Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor and her ward, Carmelita had stumbled upon a trailer park that catered to some country hicks who bowed down to Esme for her 'epic powers of Blondness' and had offered the duo a free trailer.

"It's the best we can do darling, so shut up!" Esme commanded her.

Carmelita opened a cupboard, revealing a large bat, who flew out and entangled itself in her hair.

"Help! Help! My God, it's gonna nest in my hair!" she screeched hysterically.

"Don't worry, darling! Calm down, I say!" Esme tried to placate her, seizing a fly-swatter and beating Carmelita about the head with it.

In this process, the bat flew off, and out of Carmelita's hair fell two sparkling ruby combs.

Esme gasped. She had forgotten. Could Carmelita be the very same girl from that dreadful day months ago?

Well, we'll do a cliffhanger on that.

A/N: Okay guys, we've finished Act 1 of 'Wicked' which means we'll be able to condense things to just one Wicked song a chapter! This also means that it's ample time for songs in the Baude and Quag side of the story as well and for the kids to be more important! For anyone who's following Mount Rancour, Chapter six is going up this evening as well. A happy week to all, and happy Passover to any of our readers who might be observing it!

Oh Lord, I can't wait for Easter—

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5, Thank Goodness For A Masquerade!

Disclaimer: Nothing contained herein belongs to us. We're just two simple murderers of plots.

A/N: It's almost Easter time! How lovely, no? I've been browsing through the little contents of my head and have just come up with the most stunning ideas for Book 5 and beyond! Oh—but I can't tell you any of them yet as there be _spoilers_! Like I said earlier, it'll be just one _Wicked _song per chapter from now on, and as the title might clue you in, there is a _Phantom _song in the latter half of this chappie, as well. Enjoy!

It is no longer necessary for us to go back eighteen years into the past to explore the tale of Olivia Caliban. Now we can go just a few months back in time, to a day in late August shortly before the beginning of _The Queer Academy_.

Fear had gripped the citizens of Snicket Land as rumors and gossip about the notorious Wicked B*tch of the West spread like wildfire from the highest peaks of the Dandruff Mountains to the bustling streets of Dirty Bastard. It was, indeed, a frightening time.

Speaking of Dirty Bastard, it is there that we rejoin our story. The loud and incredibly annoying Bastardians ran through the streets as the opening number of Act 2 began.

THANK GOODNESS {from 'Wicked'}

Bastardians: {to the tune of 'No One Mourns the Wicked'} Every day, more wicked!

Every day, the terror grows!

All of Snicket Land is ever on alert!

That's the way with wicked. Spreading fear where ever she goes.

Seeking out new victims she can hurt!

Heavily Pregnant Bastardian: Like some terrible snaky blizzard, throughout the land she flies!

Pissed-off Bastardian: Defaming our poor Snicket—

All: With her calumnies and lies!

She lies!

Save us from the wicked!

Shield us so we won't be hexed!

Give us warning, where will she strike next?

Where will she strike next?

Where will she strike next!

{a large platform rolls in. standing on which is Madame Anwhistle wearing a skin-tight turquoise gown, Dewey clad in gold brocaded military garb, and Esme with her hair piled into a dome on her head and wearing a white gown—complete with some king of corset-thing—and little hat, there is also a microphone positioned before them}

Esme: {speaking into the microphone.} Fellow Snicketians. As terrifying as terror is, let us put aside our panic for this one day: and celebrate!

{she throws her arms up into the air and a large banner on which the words _Happy Engagement, Esme and Dewey_ are emblazoned in heavy black letters descends to a spot above them. Esme sings}

Oh what a celebration we'll have today!

Bastardians: Thank goodness!

Esme: Let's have a celebration the Esme way!

Bastardians: Thank goodness!

Madame Anwhistle: Finally a day that's totally Wicked B*tch free!

Bastardians: We couldn't be happier.

Thank goodness!

Esme: Yes. We couldn't be happier.

{kissing Dewey}

Right, dear?

Couldn't be happier.

Right here!

Look what we've got: a fairy-tale plot.

Our very own happy ending!

Where we couldn't be happier.

True, dear?

Couldn't be happier.

And we're happy to share our ending vicariously with all of you!

He couldn't look handsomer.

I couldn't feel humbler.

We couldn't be happier.

Because 'happy' is what happens when all your dreams come true!

Madame Anwhistle: {speaking} Oh, and Esme dear, we're happy for you! As Press Secretary, I have striven to ensure that all of Snicket Land knows the story of your braver-ism.

{singing}

The day you were first summoned to an audience with Snicket, and although he would not tell you why initially.

When you bowed before his throne, he decreed you'd hence be known as Esme the Whore officially!

Then with a jealous SQUEAL the Wicked B*itch burst from concealment, where she had been lurking surreptitiously!

{the extremely gullible crowd gasps}

Gossipy Bastardian: I hear she has an extra eye that always remains awake!

Bespectacled Bastardian: I hear that she can shed her skin as easily as a snake!

Gassy Bastardian: I hear some rebel fatasses are giving her food and shelter!

Grandiose Bastardian: I hear her soul is so unclean pure lions can eat her!

{suddenly, there is a sound of clamor in the background and Dewey leaps off of the platform}

Dewey: {speaking} Oh, mercy!

Bastardians: {singing} Eat her!

Please, somebody go and eat her!

Esme: {speaking, coming down From the platform to Dewey} What's wrong, darling?

Dewey: My brothers are after me! I think I hear them coming! They're getting suspicious of me for reasons that I can't really tell you without incriminating myself of hiding some great secret. I'll go and hide. Meet me at home!

{he runs off}

Esme: Dewey! {looking to the crowd. inventing a cover-up} Oh! Yes, thanks plenty, dearest!

He's gone to fetch me a refreshment. He's so thoughtful that way!

{she rejoins Madame Anwhistle on the platform and sings}

That's why I couldn't be happier.

No, I couldn't be happier.

Though it is, I admit the tiniest bit unlike I anticipated.

But I couldn't be happier.

Simply couldn't be happier.

{speaking}

Well, not 'simply'.

{singing}

'Cause getting your dreams, it's strange, but it seems a little—well—complicated.

There's a kind of a sort of cost.

There's a couple of things get lost.

There are bridges you cross that you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed!

And if that joy—

{voice breaks}

That thrill.

Doesn't thrill you like you think it will.

Still, with this perfect finale.

The cheers and the ballyhoo.

Who wouldn't be happier?

So I couldn't be happier.

Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true!

Well, isn't it?

Happy is what happens when your dreams come true!

Bastardians: We love you, Esme, if we may be so frank!

Esme: Thank goodness!

Bastardians: For all this joy, we know who we've got to thank.

Thank goodness!

That means the Snicket, Esme—

Esme: And fiance!

Bastardians: They couldn't be goodlier.

She couldn't be lovelier.

We couldn't be luckier.

Esme: I couldn't be happier!

Bastardians: Thank goodness—

All: TODAY!

Thank goodness for today!

THE CURTAIN—

I winced, ready for Esme to come out and ruin my plan for shorter prequel chapters. But she didn't.

Resolving myself to the fact the she may actual be happy with her engagement to the new captain of the Snicketian guard, I dimmed the lights and brought us back to the present.

SEVEN MONTHS LATER

A lot of time had passed between Olaf's suggestion to Madame Lulu that a grand Masquerade Ball should be held and the actual carrying out of it. Three months, to be exact.

It was now the middle of March; the snow had passed and the thaw was upon them.

A white pavilion had been set up in the carnival midway and a polished wood dance floor installed under it. A band had been hired from a nearby village and everything was working smoothly.

Time for a bit of background information to fill you guys in on what had been happening these past three months.

The Baudes and the Quags had become used to the peaceful quiet. It actually seemed that the series of queer events was over and done. There had been no more misery. No more sadness. No more separation. No more death. Being freaks seemed more worth it, to be honest.

Of course, Sunny couldn't let on to Olaf that she actually knew she had been reunited with her siblings and friends. Damn it all, the only reason he was throwing the Masquerade was so he might see if they were who they said they were! And if not, to have them locked away for life. Still, Sunny met with her ex-comrades in the dead of night to catch up on old times.

Reggie and Lulu had lapsed back into the romantic flurry of their old days together. Reggie would sooth Lulu's snakes and Lulu had even developed a way to ease the agony of Reggie's monthly transformations.

All in all, things had been going pretty damn well!

And now, on this mild winter's-end night, the elite of Snicketian society were arriving at the carnival. Among them, were Commissioner Sausagepot, dressed in his officer tunic and his medals for the Dirty Bastard Hoagie Eating Contest and Ear-Bleedingly Horrendous Accent Contest, respectively. Also there, was star reporter of the the Daily Pinch-In-Your-Eye: Geraldine Julienne. Just the perfect people to be on the scene when, and if, the four notorious murderers of Christmas Eve were unmasked.

MASQUERADE {from 'The Phantom of the Opera'}

{two men, dressed as a Gingerbread Man and a Sponge respectively, meet in the center of the dance floor}

Sponge: {removing his mask, revealing that he is Duncan. speaking}

Chubs!

Gingerbread Man: {removing his mask, revealing that he is Chubs} Duncan!

Duncan: {singing} Oh, Chubs what a splendid party!

Chubs: The highlight of this bright new year!

Duncan: Quite a night, I'm impressed.

Chubs: They sure did their best!

Chubs and Duncan: {toasting each other with glasses of wine} Here's to us!

Chubs: A toast for the city.

Duncan: What a pity that our parents can't be here!

{they melt into the gorgeously costumed crowd. said crowd begins their stunning dance—now!}

Crowd: Masquerade!

Paper faces on parade.

Masquerade!

Hide your face, so the world will never find you!

Masquerade!

Every face a different shade.

Masquerade!

Look around.

There's another mask behind you!

Geraldine: Flash of mauve.

Sausagepot: Splash of puce.

Mr. Poe: Fool and king.

Hugo: Ghoul and goose.

Poison Ivy: Green and black.

Queen of Hearts: Queen and priest.

Remus Lupin: Trace of rouge.

Edward Cullen: Face of beast.

Crowd: Faces!

Flo: {dressed like a white-gowned Italian clown. as in old Roman clowns. stuff like that} Take your turn.

Take a ride.

On the merry-go-round in an inhuman race!

Dumbledore: Eye of gold.

Poseidon: Thigh of blue.

The Riddler: True is false.

Jane Marple: Who is who?

Lucy Pevensie: Curl of lip.

Wendy Darling: Swirl of gown.

King of Hearts: Ace of hearts.

The Joker: Face of clown.

Crowd: Faces!

Enya: {dressed as a candle} Drink it in.

Tocuna: {dressed as a wedding cake} Drink it up.

Enya 'Till you drown in the light.

Tocuna: In the sound.

Enya and Tocuna: But who can name the face?

{Fernald, dressed as James Bond, does an awesome funky dance in the middle of the floor as the crowd continues to sing}

Crowd: Masquerade!

Pac Man: Grinning yellows.

Olaf: {dressed like Shakespeare} Spinning reds.

Sunny: {dressed like a skunk, because it rhymes with 'skank'} Masquerade!

Crowd: Take your fill let the spectacle astound you!

Masquerade!

Vera Claythorne: Burning glances.

Chief Inspector Jap: Turning heads.

Crowd: Masquerade!

Snow White: Stop and stare.

The Little Mermaid: At the sea of smiles around you!

Crowd: Masquerade!

Dementor: Seething shadows breathing lies.

Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood: Masquerade!

You can fool any friend who ever knew you!

Crowd: Masquerade!

Mr. Tumnus: Leering satyrs.

White Witch: Peering eyes.

Crowd: Masquerade!

Little Red Riding Hood: Run and hide, but a face will

still pursue you.

{the crowd clears and the party of Kevin, Collete, Duncan, Isadora, Violet and Chubs press through}

Collete: What a night!

Kevin: What a crowd!

Chubs: Makes you glad!

Duncan: Makes you proud!

All the creme de la creme!

Collete: Watching us—

Violet: And watching them.

Isadora and Violet: And all our fears are in the past!

Chubs: Three months!

Kevin: Of relief!

Duncan: Of delight!

Chubs: Of Elysian peace!

Violet and Duncan: {kissing} And we can breathe at last!

Isadora: No more clocks.

Violet: No more roasts! {note: roasts of fire: see the Hotel Plot Twist}

Collete: {pouring out a bottle of wine} Here's a health!

Chubs: {passing out glasses} Here's a toast to a prosperous year!

Duncan: To our friends who are here!

Violet: What a joy!

Collete: What a change!

Chubs and Duncan: What a blessed release!

Isadora: {spinning a rope of fire playfully about herself}

And what a Masquerade!

{they clear away, revealing Lulu, clad in a simple black dress, and Reggie, wearing a plain tux. Olivia fingers a metal ring on a chain around her neck. yep, that is what you think it is}

Olivia: {speaking} Think of it. A secret engagement! Look. You're future bride!

Reggie: {kissing her lightly on the cheek} I can't wait. Olaf won't be able to stop us. Or anyone else in the world, for that matter!

{wild dancing breaks out as everyone spins, leaps, dips, frolics and even River-dances their way about the floor for a whole five minutes. the crowd clears one last time and we see that everyone holds a wide, golden fan which they swish about their heads as they sing}

Crowd: Masquerade!

Paper faces on parade!

Masquerade!

Hide your face so the world can never find you!

Masquerade!

Every face a different shade.

Masquerade!

Look around there's another mask behind you.

MASQUERADE!

{confetti falls}

THE CURTAIN—

But before I could lower the curtain, a menacing figure appeared in the crowd. He was clad in a black cloak, hat and white mask that covered the left half of his face. The right face though was familier to some people in the crowd, and ourselves, as Dewey Plot Twist: the Phantom of the Hotel, and keeper of the mysterious Chamber Pot.

"Good evening, Mesdames and Messieurs!" he greeted them, "You might not all know who I am but I am stolidly sure that some of you do recognize me." he let his eyes veer over the crowd; Chubs grasped Isadora's hand and Violet clasped Duncan's.

"I come for one and one alone. The pristine, ever beautiful golden angel whom I shunned when I should have loved."

This exaggerated, corny speech that made sense to none of the crowd was met with silence. Commissioner Sausagepot stepped forward, "See here, who are you and what business have you here?"

The Phantom smirked, "As I said, dear Commissioner, I've come to carry my beloved away! The golden angel."

He advanced to a woman in a flowing white gown, whose head was crowned in golden curls. Reaching out his hand, he ripped off her gilded white mask revealing that she was Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor.

She made no attempt to resist. She stared into his eyes, giving herself in to his grasp as he swept her into his arms and spread his cloak, soaring off as he had on his hang-glider the day he had first met her.

Once they were gone, all was shocked silence until Geraldine gasped, "Wow! 'Creepy Masked Man Kidnaps Missing Whore'! Wait until the readers of the Daily-Pinch-in-Your-Eye see that!"

Lulu clutched at her heart. She had just seen her best friend carried away. But, could she still call Esme her best friend?

A/N: What a relief! Shorter chapters at last! So, Dewey has made his reappearance, and things have just gotten very confusing. I'd like to propose a game: try and figure out the source of as many of the cameos in the masquerade scene, as you can. Just PM us or state it in your review. The winner gets special recognition next chapter!

Now, I guess we'll do another question list, so we can state some of the finer points of what's going on in the story:

WHAT WAS THE TENSION BETWEEN ESME AND LULU?

WHY WAS ESME AT THE MASQUERADE?

WHERE IS CARMELITA?

WHERE IS THE CHAMBER POT?

WHEN WILL THE BAUDES AND THE QUAGS REGAIN IMPORTANCE IN THEIR OWN STORY?

Have a joyous Easter, for anyone among you who observes.

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6, Music of the Wicked B*tch

Disclaimer: Meh—

A/N: Happy wedding day! The royal wedding starts in two hours, and I can't wait to catch it! And did you guys hear about the marketing they've been getting off of this? They have royal wedding _condoms_! Ew— Now, to tally up the scores for our guess the cameo game. We have results from our lovely Gypsy Rosalie, and a new reviewer: Deciding Between Jazz and Alice. Now, I see that on both sides, there were characters that puzzled. Vera Claythorne is a character from another Christie story: _And Then There Were None_. While Chief Inspector Jap is a recurring character from the _Hercule Poirot _series, also by Dame Agatha. Poison Ivy and the Riddler are both Batman villains, as is the Joker.

Taking this into account, the person with the most right answers is—Gypsy Rosalie! Congrats!

And for Deciding Between Jazz and Alice: you were close, and therefore you are also spectacular! Also, thanks for adding us to your favorites!

Well, let's get going—

Back in those dying days of August in the elite center of Dirty Bastard, Beatrice Baudelaire called for her husband, Bertrand, to join her in the boudoir, which is a fancy French word for 'bedroom' in case you were wondering.

"Yes, Madam?" Bertrand asked her in his usual quiet voice, Beatrice looked at him, "Are the children out?"

"Yes, they went to the Sloppy Joe convention."

"Thank God!" Beatrice sighed in relief, removing the wide-brimmed hat that she always wore when her children were around, which was rarely.

Beatrice ran her fingers over her smooth, bald scalp and said, "Bertrand, darling, fetch me my combs, please."

"Yes, Madam." Bertrand said again, opening the drawer of the dresser and withdrawing the two silver combs that Edgarbear had given Beatrice so long ago.

"I've asked you a million times, Bertrand," Beatrice said, exasperated as her husband affixed the combs to her head with Scotch tape, "To call me Beatrice. Even in front of the children you refuse to use my name. Is it really that hard?"

Bertrand sighed, "No. Madam." and he left the room.

Beatrice collapsed into her favorite armchair and rested her head in her hands. Why? Why was life so unfair to her? Her children paid no attention to her, her husband didn't even use her own name, her father was long gone, she had never even known her mother. And her sister—her sister.

Suddenly, the peaceful silence was cut by an all too familiar voice saying, "Well, it seems the beautiful get more beautiful, while the snaky just get snakier."

The mirrored door of the wardrobe opened and Beatrice's long-lost sister Olivia stepped out, wrapped in those ridiculous shawls that had been known as the trademark uniform of the Wicked B*tch of the West. She was wearing that wig to hide her snakes and she had a large shoulder bag slung around her.

"Beatrice." Olivia began tentatively, "Beatrice, it's—it's good to see you."

Beatrice stood and looked her sister in the eye before saying, steely cold, "What the hell are you doing in my house?"

Olivia felt a chill run through her. She probably deserved it.

"Is it so wrong to want to see your family after an absence of eighteen years?" she asked in what she hoped was a humble tone of voice.

She looked around the room and her eyes fell on a picture of three children grouped together, a boy, a girl and a baby.

"You—you had kids?"

"Of course, I did! Did you expect me to wallow and mourn your loss for over a decade? As important as you seem to think you are, I at least know when to stop being a child! And that's more then can be said of you."

Olivia decided to just get down to business so she could leave, "I came to see Father. I need his help."

"That's impossible." Beatrice said firmly.

"Why?"

"Father's dead!" Beatrice spat out, "After he learned what you'd done. How you disgraced us. He died of shame! My children never even got to meet him! It's sad really. Very, very sad!"

Olivia turned away for a moment and reflected. Her Father had never loved her, never supported her. All of his love had been poured into Beatrice. He'd pitied her, he'd cared for her. But Olivia was treated like a pile of steaming dog crap.

"Good." She said, finally, "It's better this way."

"That's a wicked thing to say!" Beatrice shrieked. Olivia clasped her sister's hands, "No, it's true. It's just us now. You can help me!"

"Shut up, Olivia." Beatrice said coldly and firmly, "First of all, I can't harbor a fugitive. I'm head of the ZYK Sociological Society now. It just won't do for my image! Second of all: why should I help you? You fly around Snicket Land trying to rescue people you've never even met and not once did you ever think to use your powers to rescue me!"

WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST {from 'Wicked'}

Beatrice: {chasing Olivia into a corner} All of my life I've depended on you.

How do you think that feels?

All of my life, I've depended on you and this hideous scalp that peels!

Scrounging for scraps of pity to pick up.

And longing to shake back my reels—of hair!

Olivia: {speaking} Becca, there isn't a spell for everything. The power is mysterious!

It's not like combing your—{an idea strikes her} Wait!

{she reaches into her shoulder bag and pulls out the Zimmerie. she opens it to a certain page and kneels before it, chanting from it as she does so}

Eleka, rolla, rolla, eleka, presta, presta, eleka, rolla—

Becca: What are you doing?

What does that mean? Oh!

{the silver combs suddenly glow bright red and begin to steam. Becca clutches her head in pain and doubles over with her back to Olivia}

My combs! They feel like they're on fire!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY COMBS?

{that line seems so funny when I read it over! ahem. suddenly, Beatrice lifts her head and we see that the combs, now made of glittering ruby, are inset in brilliant black curls that go down to Beatrice's shoulders. Beatrice stands shakily and runs her fingers through her new hair, tears of joy forming in her eyes}

Olivia: Oh Becca, at last!

{singing}

I've done what long ago I should.

Finally from these powers something good!

Finally, something good.

{Beatrice, in a state of rushed excitement, runs to the doorway and calls}

Beatrice: {speaking} Bertrand! Bertrand, come quickly!

{she puts the ridiculous hat back on and piles her hair under it, hoping to surprise Bertrand when he comes in}

Olivia: {shocked} Bertrand? Becca, no one can know I'm here.

{but Bertrand does enter}

Bertrand: Yes, Madam?

{he sees Olivia and screams like a banshee}

You!

Olivia: Bertrand.

Bertrand: {backing away from her, horrified} Stay back!

Olivia: Bertrand, I'm not going to hurt you.

Bertrand: You're lying! That's all you ever do. You and your sister!

She's as wicked as you are.

Beatrice: Bertrand!

Olivia: {to Bertrand} What are you talking about?

Bertrand: I'm talking about my life! The little that's left of it. She's become a dictator! ZYK isn't what it used to be. It's a slave-ship in honor of the Snickets and your sister is the slave-master!

I'm not even aloud the leave the house anymore. And you know why?

Beatrice: {cutting him off} To keep you here with me!

But none of that matters anymore. Look.

{she takes off the hat and lets her new hair fall around her shoulders, Bertrand is in awe, he looks from Olivia to Beatrice and back again}

Bertrand: {to Olivia} You did this for her?

Beatrice: For both of us!

Bertrand: {taking Beatrice's hands} Oh Becca, this changes everything!

Beatrice: I know.

Bertrand: {singing} Listen, Becca?

Beatrice: {speaking} Yes?

Bertrand: {singing} Uh, Becca?

Surely now I'll matter less to you and you won't mind my leaving here tonight.

Beatrice: {speaking} Leaving?

Bertrand: Yes!

{singing}

That ball that's being staged, announcing Esme is engaged to Dewey!

Beatrice: {speaking. distraught} Esme?

{she staggers to Olivia who pats her comfortingly on the back as Bertrand continues to sing}

Bertrand: {singing} Yes Becca, that's right!

I've got to go appeal to her.

Express the way I feel to her.

{speaking}

Oh Becca, I lost my heart to Esme the moment I first saw her.

You know that.

{Beatrice turns from Olivia and looks to Bertrand with murder in her eyes}

Beatrice: Lost your heart?

Well we'll see about that.

Olivia: Becca, let him go.

Beatrice:{charging at Bertrand} Did you think I'd let you leave me here flat?

Bertrand: {withdrawing a switchblade and pointing it at Beatrice} Don't come any closer!

Beatrice: {singing} You're going to lose your heart to me, I tell you!

If I have to, I'll have to— {she notices the opened Zimmerie on the floor} Magic spell you!

{she kneels before the Zimmerie and begins chanting}

A-thum, ta, re—

Olivia: Becca no, it's too dangerous!

{Beatrice pushes her sister away and continues chanting}

Bertrand: What's she doing?

Olivia: Becca, you're pronouncing the words all wrong.

{Beatrice still persists in her chanting}

Bertrand: I'm warning you! Don't try to stop me! OW!

Olivia: Becca! BECCA!

{Beatrice finally looks up from the Zimmerie and sees that Bertrand's hair is growing rapidly, coming alive and throttling him}

Beatrice: Bertrand, what is it?

Bertrand: {struggling to fight off his demon hair} WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

{he collapses into the armchair. Beatrice hurriedly closes the Zimmerie and thrusts it into Olivia's arms}

Beatrice: Olivia, do something!

Olivia: I can't! You can't reverse a spell once it's been cast!

{she wheels the armchair behind the wardrobe}

Beatrice: {hysterically} OH, WHATEVER WILL WE DO?

This is all your fault! If you hadn't shown me that horrendible book.

Olivia: {coming back from behind the wardrobe} Listen, I've got to find another spell. It's the only thing that might work.

{she walks into the corner where we can see her in shadow, reading from the Zimmerie}

Beatrice: {singing} Save him please, just save him.

My poor Bertrand, my sweet, my brave him.

Don't leave me 'till my sorry life has ceased.

Alone and loveless here, with just the girl in the mirror!

Just her and me: THE WICKED B*TCH OF THE EAST!

We deserve each other.

{Beatrice sadly sinks her head}

Olivia came back to her sister, "He's asleep."

"And what about his hair?" Beatrice's voice quavered on the brink of breaking down completely.

Olivia sighed, "It's alright. He won't need any now." Ignoring Beatrice's expression of confusion, she continued, "I have to go to the Snicket Palace. What happened to those people is my fault. I have to set them free."

Beatrice groaned knowingly, "You're not going to save those idiots; you're going to stop Esme. But it's too late. She's gotten herself into a destructive relationship and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Olivia didn't listen to her and made for the door.

"Olivia, wait!" Beatrice moaned in despair. Olivia took her sister's hand, "Becca, I've done all I could for you and it hasn't been enough. And nothing ever will be."

And with that, Olivia turned from her sister for the last time and left.

Beatrice could do nothing to stop her and listened as she heard the front door close.

Suddenly, Bertrand's voice came from the chair in the corner, "Where am I? What's happened?"

Beatrice rushed to come up with a cover-up, "Nothing. You just fell asleep!" She said gently. Bertrand rose from the chair and stepped into the light where Beatrice was met with taste of bitter irony: Bertrand was bald.

She balked, "Bertrand, it wasn't me. It was her!" she hastily tried to explain as her beloved felt his scalp and realized the terrible truth.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Bertrand screamed horribly as he ran backwards out of the room in a somewhat comical fashion. "It was Olivia, Bertrand!" Beatrice called after him, "IT WAS OLIVIA!"

SEVEN MONTHS LATER

Esme was silent throughout the rushed flight in the arms of her darling Dewey.

She had known that something important was going to happen at that Masquerade. She had left Carmelita alone in the trailer for the night and had run off in that ridiculous gown masquerading as an angel.

Little did she know that she would glimpse Olivia there. She never would have suspected that that was where she would end up.

And then, there were also Olaf and those children. It seemed she just couldn't escape her past no matter how hard she tried to bury it away.

To prove that, even Dewey had shown up. Still dressed in that black cloak and the mask that she had first seen at the Hotel Plot Twist. Whatever it covered Esme had no idea.

Wait! They were landing now! Somewhere in the thickest of the Hinterlandian thickets.

"Oh, Esme." Dewey gasped out, tossing his cloak into a corner.

"Dewey!" Esme felt the tears streak down her cheeks. At the hotel, she, like the others, had been chasing him for possession of the Chamber Pot. But now she was free to love him as she wished.

Their lips met in a passionate kiss as Dewey said, "I've been such a rollicking jackass, Esme! I've spent these months and months looking for you so I could apologize."

"Never leave me!" Esme squeaked, "Don't, don't leave me ever again!"

Dewey walked over to his cloak and wrapped it around the one person in the world whom he cared for and began to sing one of the greatest love songs ever written.

MUSIC OF THE NIGHT {from 'The Phantom of the Opera'}

Dewey: Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation.

Darkness wakes and stirs imagination!

Silently the senses abandon their defenses.

Helpless to resist the notes I write; for I compose the music of the night.

{he withdraws a packet of sheet music labeled and tosses it on the floor}

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor!

Grasp it.

Sense it.

Tremulous and tender!

Hearing is believing.

Music is deceiving.

Hard as lightening, soft as candlelight.

Dare you trust the music of the night?

Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth, and the truth isn't what you want to see!

In the dark it is easy to pretend that the truth is what it ought to be.

Softly, deftly, music shall caress you.

Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you!

Open up your mind!

Let your fantasies unwind!

In this darkness which you know you cannot fight.

The darkness of the music of the night!

Close your eyes and start a journey to a strange new world.

Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before.

Close your eyes and let music set you FREE!

Only there, can you belong to me.

{he caresses Esme in truly pervy ways}

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication.

Touch me.

Trust me.

Savor each sensation.

Let the dream begin, let your darkest side give in through the power of the music that I write.

The power of the MUSIC OF THE NIGHT!

{he pulls Esme to a shallow puddle where she sees herself reflected in her billowing white angel Masquerade gown. she imagines the white gown with a veil and bouquet of flowers and faints, to be caught by Dewey, who carries her to a bed of straw, pulling his cloak over her like a blanket}

You alone can make my song take flight.

Help me make the music of the night.

{Dewey holds that note for near to a minute}

THE CURTAIN FALLS

Commissioner Sausagepot was forced to call in reinforcements which kind of ruined the party.

Geraldine Julienne ran through the crowd, interviewing the police, guests, staff etc. as to who they taught the masked man was and why he had kidnapped Esme the Whore who had already been missing for months.

She made her mistake when she tried to question Chubs, who was letting Isadora rest her head on his biceps.

"Excuse me, sir?" she began. "Yes, Miss?" Chubs looked at her, a bit miffed.

"I'd like to ask you who you think that mysterious man was?"

Chubs paused for a moment. As we know, Chubs of course knew that the mysterious man was Dewey Plot Twist. But should he say that?

"Get the hell out of my face!" he said instead. Geraldine rushed off like a cowardly wench.

Chubs turned to Isadora, "I must say, this new form has made me far more confident than I once was."

Isadora just smiled at him and gave him a kiss, "Don't worry sweetie, everything's going to be fine."

But she sounded as if she was only assuring herself of something.

A/N: How did you like it? So now we know why Beatrice did have hair in her brief appearance in 'The Queer Academy'! Well, of course you imagined that she had hair. But you know why you imagined that, anyway.

We also know that Bertrand is bald and Esme and Dewey are finally loving it up with each other again!

More secrets, as well as a new pairing, coming up next chapter!

Oh! And Chapter 8 is being added to _Mount Rancour _for anyone who follows the story.

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7, All I Ask of You is to Be Wonderful, or Something

Disclaimer: Not—ours—pish—pot.

A/N: Friday! At last! There shall be much rejoicing in the streets, as the prize hog is roasted on the spit and served up at the banquet table—oh. Wrong era. Well, this chapter is of reasonable, length: seven pages, to be precise. We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing as always—last chapter, too! Sorry we forgot to acknowledge you:(—and Freezing Sapphire for adding this story to her favorites, as she has with our previous installments. As a reminder for all those that follow it: Chapter 9 of _Mount Rancour_ will be posted right after this is put up!

And now, with a hearty 'Yaroo!' let us begin:

EIGHTEEN YEARS EARLIER

The throne room of the Snicket Palace was as pitch dark as it had been on that day eighteen years ago when Esme and Olivia had gone to see Jacob Snicket. But Jacob had been dead for the last eight years. Lemony was the new Snicket, as Jacques had moved to the Dandruff Mountains and Kit had been banished for her independent ideas.

Olivia thought about these things now as she crept through the deserted halls and chambers into the throne room. Everyone must have been downstairs at Esme's engagement ball.

"I KNEW YOU'D BE BACK!" boomed a loud metallic voice.

Olivia turned around and saw that the giant sculpture of the ZYK logo was in the corner. It seemed that Lemony kept to the same customs as his father.

"Hello, Olivia." Lemony began, coming out from behind the visage, clad in the same kind of coat had top hat that his Dad had liked to wear, "It is quite good to see you again."

Olivia took a deep breath to steel herself and gasped out, "Hi, Lemony."

"I taught that you'd come back at some point. I figured you'd get lonely. 'Lonely' is a word which here means, 'alone'. I get pretty lonely too."

"You know _nothing_ about me!" Olivia insisted, "You disgust me, Lemony. The moment after your father's funeral, you seized the throne and banished your only sister!"

"She objected to the Snicketian motto!"

"And what is that motto, may I ask?"

"'Do as we say or horrible things will happen to you'!"

Olivia looked at her former classmate in disgust, "Was Jacques banished too? Or is he carrying out some kind of bureaucratic dirty work?"

"He wanted a vacation away for some relaxation. It's not my fault that he doesn't want to leave! I have more important things on my mind. Our new Captain of the Guard: Dewey Plot Twist; I know something about him that he certainly would not approve of my knowing. I expect his brothers to be on him at the ball tonight. It's essential that this happens effortlessly."

"Why? What's Dewey done?"

"All I can say is that it involves a Chamber Pot. Nothing more. Olivia," he paused, "please. You mustn't think badly of me for what I'm doing! It's politics. You wouldn't understand!"

"Are you calling me stupid, Lemony?" Olivia balked, "At least I know when to give up and when to take it up again."

"Olivia, I never asked for this. Neither did my father or his father before him. Do you know how the Snickets came here?"

WONDERFUL {From _Wicked_}

Lemony: {starting out slowly} We never asked for this or planned it in advance.

We were merely blown here by the winds of chance!

I never saw myself as a Solomon or Socrates.

I knew who I was: one of your dime a dozen Mediocrities!

Then suddenly we were here.

Respected. Worshiped, even!

Just because the folks of the land needed someone to believe in!

Does it surprise you we got hooked, and all too soon?

What can I say?

We all got carried away, and not just by balloon!

Wonderful.

They called us 'Wonderful'.

So Grandad said 'Wonderful? If you insist!'

'I will be wonderful'.

And they said 'Wonderful'!

Believe me, it's hard to resist!

Cause it feels wonderful.

They think I'm wonderful.

Hey, look who's wonderful: this corn-fed hick!

Who said: 'It might be keen to build a town that's preened! And a wonderful road of horseradish!'

{speaking}

See, I was just a baby when I came here. We had every luxury I could ever have wanted! And after Grandad, mom and dad died. I felt I wanted to give my only family left: the citizens of Snicket Land, everything.

Olivia: So you lied to them.

Lemony: Olivia, where I'm from, we believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it 'history'.

{singing}

A man's called a traitor, or liberator.

A rich man's a thief, or philanthropist.

Is one a crusader? Or ruthless invader?

It's all in which label is able to persist!

There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguities, so we act as though they don't exist!

They call me 'wonderful', so I am wonderful.

In fact, it's so much who I am it's part of my name!

And with my help, you can be the same!

At long, long last receive your due long overdue.

Olivia, the most celebrated are the rehabilitated.

There'll be such a whoop-de-doo!

A celebration throughout the land that's all to do WITH YOU!

Wonderful!

They'll call you wonderful!

Olivia: That does sound wonderful!

Lemony: Trust me, it's fun!

Lemony and Olivia: When you are wonderful, it would be wonderful!

Wonderful, wonderful—

Lemony: One! Two! And—

{soft-shoe dance time!}

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

THE—

"One moment, sir!" Lemony stopped me. Playing Esme now, was he? The swine!

"I'd like to have more dialogue. 'Dialogue' is a word which here means—"

"I think we all know what 'dialogue' means!" I told him tiredly, giving him some of said dialogue to shut him up.

Olivia was considerably in higher spirits by now and told Lemony, "All right, I'll accept your offer. If you accept mine."

"And what would that offer be, Olivia?"

"You set those freaks free!"

Lemony thought for a good two seconds before saying, "Alright, then! A deal's a deal." He stepped into the corner to that same rusty lever from that long ago day and pulled it.

The back wall slid aside and the enormous cage was revealed to be full of skeletons and three shadowy figures.

Olivia screamed in outright horror and pity for the poor freaks.

The three figures stepped out of the cage and Olivia recognized one of them as Hugo, the man she had cursed directly with feeble ugliness. The other two were an eight-armed man and a woman who seemed fond of twisting her body into forms that no normal human could be able to execute.

Their clothes were tattered, they were thin as bones and they smelled like feces and sex."W-we're free?" gasped Hugo. "Indeed you are," replied Lemony, "But first tell us, what happened to the others?"

"We ate them." replied the eight-armed man, "Over the past several years, we fought each other for food and us three seem to be the surviving champions!"

"It's like, totally awesome!" gushed the woman, "But there was one other guy in there, he died yesterday and we were, like, just gonna eat him when you opened the cage."

"He's under the sheet, there." Hugo pointed at a ratty blanket in the back of the cage, "He was a real trooper. Wasn't cursed or anything. Never said why he had been locked up."

Lemony paled, "Oh dear God!" he trailed off, "Olivia, don't look under that sheet!"

Olivia stared at him. She wasn't going to look under the sheet but as we all know, things become far more tempting when we're told not to do them.

Olivia stepped into the cage and slowly, carefully, despite Lemony's weak protests and definitions, lifted the sheet revealing the pale, convulsed corpse of her beloved Inventing professor, Dr. C.M. Cornbluth.

"Oh my God!" Olivia moaned, turning on Lemony, "YOU MONSTER! YOU ABSOLUTE MONSTER!"

"We couldn't let him speak his ideas!" Lemony insisted, "It would've endangered the whole system! 'System' is a word which here means—"

"Shut up, Lemony! I'm never gonna help you! Go take your 'wonderful life' and shove it up your ass!"

Lemony gave her a shrewd smile now, "Ah! But if you refuse, then I'll call the guard. And there's no magic bicycle to save you this time!"

"Actually," Olivia contradicted him, "there is." She snapped her fingers and the bike crashed in through the window.

Olivia snapped around on her heel to talk to the freaks, "Go! Leave! You're free now!"

"Thank you." Hugo grasped her hand and jumped out the window, followed by the other two.

"Well, I'd meant for them to take the bike." Olivia started, but Lemony wasn't listening. Instead, he had rushed to the wall and pressed a little red button, the button for his Captain of the Guard.

In the palace's grand ballroom, Esme and Dewey's engagement party was off to a marvelous start.

The soon-to-be-married couple were dancing the night away in the center of the floor.

Esme had decided that afternoon, when Dewey had returned after fleeing from the press conference in the morning, that everything was fine. She hadn't seen his brothers anywhere and everyone was having a grand old time! Surely there was nothing whatever to be worried about.

Then the Captain of the Guard siren cut through the orchestra and all the guests began to panic. The only reason the Snicket would have called the Captain of the Guard was if he was in life-threatening danger.

"Everybody, please calm down!" Dewey called out to the crowd, "I'm going to see what the problem is."

With one final kiss for his fiancee, Dewey seized his rifle from the wall and dashed up the stairs towards the throne room. Esme looked off after him, unaware that that kiss would have been the last one Dewey gave her in a long time.

Back in the throne room, Olivia was about to mount her bike and sail off through the shattered window when a grappling hook soared in through the window frame and the one person that Olivia had actually wanted to see was there: Richie the Avocado.

"Security's really bad here." he panted, he saw Olivia and grabbed her, kissing her for the first time in years.

"Richie!" Olivia gasped, "Why? Why are you here?"

"I saw the bike fly over the city. Everyone saw it! I knew this was probably my only chance to see you again!"

They kissed long and hard. Lemony cut into the romantic reunion by saying, "'Horny' is a word which here means, 'How I feel right now.'"

"Come on, let's get out of here." Olivia had started to bring Richie to the bike, but then the door opened and Dewey ran in, gun drawn.

"Yes, your Snicket-ness?" Dewey began, then he noticed Olivia and Richie, "Oh! It's the Wicked B*tch that I used to know but never said a thing to in my life until now."

"Thank you for the detailed description sir. I approve!" Lemony approved, "I also approve of this." He snatched the rifle out of Dewey's hands and trained it on all three of the people in the room.

"What's the meaning of this?" asked Dewey incredulously.

"The meaning of this is that I know your secret, Plot Twist!" Lemony said menacingly, "And I also know that by pointing a gun at you, you'll be forced to tell me where you've hidden the thing." He paused, looking at Richie and Olivia, who said, "That's not quite true, he could refuse to tell you."

"But then of course, he'd be shot." finished Richie for her. Yes their relationship is going the way of so many other characters in this series, they're finishing each other's sentences!

But before either Dewey or Lemony could say anything else, the door opened once more and Esme walked in.

"Is everything alright?" she started, breaking off when she noticed her exiled best friend who was standing in center.

"Olivia!" she gasped, "What—?"

"Esme, leave, now!" Olivia insisted, "There's a revolt underway!"

And then, Dewey did something to prove how much of a pain-in-the-ass he really was.

He reached into his Captain of the Guard scabbard and withdrew his official Captain of the Guard rapier, which is a sword, in case you didn't know.

With the rapier in hand, he seized his fiancee by the wrist and held the tip of the blade against her neck. "Now Snicket," he said threateningly, "You let me leave or watch your nation's precious little mascot get beheaded."

"Dewey!" Esme was horrified, "Why are you—?"

But before she could finish her frightened rant, Lemony cut in, "Alright, alright! You can go. 'Dejection' is a word which here means, 'Exactly how I'm feeling right now.'"

"Thank you, your Snicket-ness." Dewey slid his rapier back into its scabbard and, letting Esme drop to the floor, he slid out the window on Richie's grappling hook, pulling it down to the street behind him.

Esme just stared out the shattered window, her face pale, her blue eyes dull, her mouth agape, wondering why this had happened to her.

Lemony though, had no time to question himself as he turned Dewey's rifle back onto Olivia and Richie.

"Richie," Olivia whispered to her lover. "Yeah?"

"On three, attack the bookworm. One. Two. THREE!"

Richie slammed the Snicket into the wall and Olivia grabbed the gun from where he had dropped it, "Come on!" she hissed to Richie, "On the bike!"

They squeezed onto the seat of the flying bike and, in virtually no time at all, had escaped with a weapon but no idea where to actually go.

Now the tears came for Esme.

Her former best friend had just flown off into the night, her fiance had hopped it after holding her at sword-point. What the hell was going on?

She decided to solve her problems by singing a song. Now I know I said only one _Wicked_ song per chapter but this one is too short to have a chapter of its own and it's part of the same scene anyway so what the hell?

I'M NOT THAT GIRL REPRISE {From _Wicked_}

Esme: Don't wish, don't start.

Wishing only wounds the heart.

There's a boy I know.

I love him so.

But still I know, I'm not his girl.

THE CURTAIN—

On second thought, I think I want to put some more dialogue before we close the scene.

Lemony finally rose from where he had been knocked out and looked around him dazedly. He jumped when he saw Esme, "Where did they go?" He asked frantically. Esme looked up from her distress and said, "They left. OH MY GOD! I'M A TERRIBLE FRIEND AND I'M A TERRIBLE WIFE!"

"Why don't you go and sob into a tub of ice cream while watching old reruns of _General Hospital_?" Lemony suggested.

Esme slowly stood up and nodded, "I guess you're right." she trailed off.

As she was about to leave, though, the door opened once more and Madame Anwhistle strode in, "Don't tell me! I know everything!" she seized Lemony by the hands, "We had her in our grasp for the second time in eighteen years and she still manages to escape! We have to put that bald man on the 'Most Wanted' list as well. And of course, Captain Plot Twist, abandoning us like that!" .

Esme beseeched Lemony, "Your Snicket-ness," she began, "Why? Why did Dewey leave?"

Lemony quickly concocted a quick scheme around this and said, "Well, the Wicked B*tch came in and put him under a spell so that he wouldn't prevent her escape and our nation would lose a great guardsman to the forces of evil!"

As we've said before, Esme definitely was not the brightest bulb in the batch and being in a high state of hysterics didn't help her piece the puzzle together any faster.

It was improbable. It couldn't have been true!

Then again, Olivia had been away in hiding for eighteen long, grueling years. Maybe she really had snapped, really had turned against everyone in Snicket Land.

Madame Anwhistle approached her and gave her a gentle pat on the shoulder, "Esme dear," she said softly, gently, "you were Olivia's best friend at school. Perhaps you know of a way we can finally capture her and avenge Dewey's corruption!"

Esme thought for a moment and then gave in, "Her sister. She's incredibly devoted to her sister, Beatrice."

"You mean the head of the Sociological Society?" Lemony asked, conversationally.

"Yes, that's right. Spread a rumor. Something saying that Becca's in danger and she'll rush right over! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bucket of ice cream to cry into."

With that, she left the room.

Madame Anwhistle turned to Lemony, "A rumor won't cut it, Lemony. That girl is far too clever for that!"

"Then what do you suggest, Josephine?"

"I know a guy. One of my former students. He specializes in trains."

THE CURTAIN FALLS

SEVEN MONTHS LATER

The police remained in the carnival all night. Into about four in the morning, to be exact.

Olaf was seething. He paced before his cronies who watched him, bored as he ranted, "That cold b*tch had the nerve to show up here! I would have thought she'd be long dead or something."

"It's just been three months, boss." Fernald remarked, "She may well just have been stranded here like us."

"And what's more," Olaf continued, his rage overflowing, "those damned police are too 'busy' to give a damn about those kids!"

"Well," Tocuna suggested feebly, "you could ask Commissioner Sausagepot if he has the time to listen to you. After all, they've been chasing them for months and haven't been able to find them."

"Nibisco!" Sunny grumbled, which meant, "I think you're all forgetting that they think I'm a murderer too!"

"We can work around that, darling." Olaf whispered to her, "No one seems to have recognized you yet and that's a bit of good fortune in itself, I suppose."

Olaf patted out the creases in his Shakespeare pants and approached Sausagepot, "Commissioner, sir?" he began, Sausagepot turned to face him, "Yes, concerned citizen?"

"I've got a tip from a very reliable source that the Baudelaire and Quagmire murderers are at this carnival!"

Sausagepot gasped in horror, "That's incredible! They're the ones who killed all those poor people in that mansion on Christmas Eve! They might even be in cahoots with that mysterious man who kidnapped Esme the Whore!"

Olaf beamed in delight, "Just what I was thinking sir! Let's corner 'em!"

Flo had stepped away from the main crowd of detained guests. She couldn't believe it. She just couldn't believe it, but for the first time in her life she felt love. Pure strong love.

She didn't understand it. She had looked at him and felt that warmth swelling within her. It was incredible!

There were sounds of footsteps coming her way and Flo spun on her heel. And she saw him.

It was very strange that, in all the years that she had been working with him, Fernald had never really caught her eye. Whatever had struck her when she finally noticed him for what he was? She just couldn't get over it.

"Flo." he began coming up to her. "Yes, Fernald?" she asked. Could the same feeling have over-taken him?

"I-I think—"

Then suddenly, Flo felt an explosion in her mind: an explosion of darkness. Into this darkness came images. Snakes, wolves, fire, ice, lightning and the 1989 San Francisco Forty-Niners.

She screamed, tried to crawl out, struggling against the ever-suffocating blackness.

When she opened her eyes, she was sprawled out on the ground, Fernald shaking her, "Are you all right?" he asked, feeling her hand.

"Something just happened!" Flo stammered, "Something's going to happen, I mean! It's bad! Something very, very, bad!"

Fernald looked deep into her eyes and kissed her. You heard right, he kissed her.

ALL I ASK OF YOU {From _The Phantom of the Opera_}

Fernald: No more talk of darkness, forget these wide-eyed fears.

I'm here, nothing came harm you.

My words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom, let daylight dry your tears.

I'm here, with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you.

Flo: Say you love me every waking moment.

Turn my head with talk of summertime.

Say you need me with you now and always.

Promise me that all you say is true: that's all I ask of you.

Fernald: Let me be your shelter.

Let me be your light.

You're safe, no one will find you.

Your fears are far behind you.

Flo: All I want is freedom, a world with no more night.

And you, always beside me.

To hold me and to hide me.

Fernald: Then say you'll share with me one love one lifetime.

Let me lead you from your solitude.

Say you want me with you here, beside you.

Anywhere you go, let me go too.

Flo, that's all I ask of you.

Flo: Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.

Say the word and I will follow you.

Fernald and Flo: Share each day with me, each night, each morning...

Flo: Say you love me.

Fernald: I think I do.

Fernald and Flo: Love me, that's all I ask of you.

{the two new loves kiss}

THE CURTAIN FALLS

A/N: And there's your new pairing for ya! Now, you might be asking a few questions:

WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH FLO'S VISION?

WHAT MADE FERNALD AND FLO GET TOGETHER SO QUICKLY?

WILL OLAF SUCCESSFULLY CAPTURE THE KIDS?

WHAT'S SUNNY'S OPINION ON ALL THIS?

WHEN THE HELL IS MR. POE GONNA BE IMPORTANT?

Mos of these questions and more will be answered next chapter!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8, Wishing You Were Somehow Mine And Other Such Kindred Things

Disclaimer: Does not belong to us—nothing.

A/N: Happy Friday! It's been a long week, hasn't it? I've got a job interview in the morning—eh. Also, I tried a new sort of game on my way home from the bus-stop. It takes precisely five-hundred-seventy-three paces to get me two blocks down to my front door! Who would've thought it? This is a rather short chapter—about four pages. Enjoy!

SEVEN MONTHS EARLIER

The winged bike flew over Snicket Land, carrying the two fugitive lovers across the vast areas of the world.

Richie was directing Olivia further and further west. They were both hungry, thirsty and sleep deprived. But still Olivia peddled and Richie kept the bike balanced by sitting on the bare pole back of the seat, which, as any gents out there would know, is the most uncomfortable part of a bike that one could possibly sit on.

"Okay, land here." Richie pointed down to an enormous wasteland. Tall trees so close together that there was barely any space between them.

Olivia looked at him, "You sure?"

"Positive." he nodded.

The bike made it through the treetops and touched down on the leaf-littered ground.

"Why the Hinterlands?" mused Olivia.

Replied Richie. "It's probably not the smartest place to survive in but there's practically no one else living here! There's a few villages here and there and that's it."

They set about making camp, propping up some sturdy fallen tree branches and using Olivia's shawls as tent canvas turned out a proper shelter, while Richie's coat and Olivia's wig provided serviceable pillows. Who needs blankets when you've got the stars, anyways?

"Tell me everything!" Olivia clasped her beloved's hands, "I want to know everything that you've been up to!"

Richie cracked a smile, "Nothing. I worked in Dirty Bastard as an embalmer. Not the best job in the world but I do have a better apartment, at least. Or, at least I used to have a better apartment. From now on, I'll be at your side, day and night! I'll never leave you and we can finally be together!"

He ran his fingers through the writhing, squirming snakes and Olivia felt that long distant sensation of the snakes going to sleep.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE {from _Wicked_}

Olivia: Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight.

I need help believing you're with me tonight.

My wildest dreamings could not foresee lying beside you with you wanting me.

And just for this moment, as long as you're mine.

I've lost all resistance, and crossed some borderline.

And if it turns out it's over too fast, I'll make every last moment last.

As long as you're mine.

Richie: Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise.

But you've got me seeing through different eyes!

Somehow I've fallen under your spell, and somehow I'm feeling: it's 'up' that I fell!

Olivia and Richie: Every moment, as long as you're mine!

I'll wake up my body, and make up for lost time!

Richie: Say there's no future for us as a pair—

Olivia and Richie: And though I may know, I don't care!

Just for this moment, as long as you're mine!

Come be how you want to, and see how bright we shine!

Borrow the moonlight until it is through, and know I'll be here holding you.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE!

{Olivia sinks her head and sighs}

Richie: {speaking} What is it?

Olivia: {laughing nervously} It's just, for the first time, I feel—

{she whispers slyly}

Wicked!

THE CURTAIN—

As most often happens with my curtain calls, I was interrupted, this time by Olivia clutching her head in pain and sinking to her knees.

"What's wrong?" Richie helped her to her feet.

"Something _is_ wrong!" Olivia panted, "It's a premonition, I used to always get them as a child. It's probably part of the whole 'I am a sorceress' thing. Whenever something incredibly bad happens to someone I'm close to. I feel it. Something's going to happen tomorrow and it must be directed at my sister. She's my only family left. Well—" she paused, considering Bertrand and her nieces and nephew.

"I have to go. I need to follow the sense." she turned to face Richie, "Don't follow me."

Richie looked at her and thought, "Are you absolutely sure about this, Olivia? It could be a trap."

Olivia considered this for a moment, "I'm gonna take my chances. We'll meet—" she paused, not sure where they should convene.

"I know a place near here," Richie provided for her, "I didn't want to camp there; it's too close to Sometimes Ridden Road. But it'll do for a quick meeting. The Carnival Where Social Services Don't Exist. It's to the south."

Olivia took her shawls down from their makeshift tent and wrapped the majority of them around herself, pressing the last on Richie, "Keep it." she smiled lightly as she adjusted her wig to cover the sleeping snakes.

They kissed one last time and Olivia mounted the bike, ascending up and out of the Hinterlands towards danger like she couldn't have imagined.

That was a pretty short prologue cut, if I do say so myself. Which I do!

SEVEN MONTHS LATER

Sunny had crawled as fast as her little appendages could convey her over to the freaks caravan.

She had hoped to finally reconcile with her friends and siblings. To warn them about the police that Olaf was surely banding together at that very moment.

When she arrived at the caravan, she found the little hunch-back shedding his Professor Dumbledore Masquerade costume, the Octo-Dextrous man and the Elastic Woman whispering flirtuatiously, which I look on as really sick. Violet was making a garden trowel dig in the dirt just by staring at it.

"Hi, Vi." Sunny greeted her sister.

Violet stared, "Oh, it's you."

"Terrible things gonna happen." Sunny began.

Violet stood up, her eyes flaring, "Sunny, I don't think I, or anyone else in the family are gonna be able to fully trust you unless you leave Olaf. If 'terrible thing are gonna happen', I suggest you stop helping Olaf do terrible things. We know he's plotting. The whole 'Masquerade Ball' he decided to hold tonight was just to unmask us to the police. Am I right?"

Sunny sighed, "You're right."

"Good. That means that Olaf is probably telling that bureaucratic asshat, Commissioner Sausagepot where we are right now. Is that right?"

"Yeah."

"Then it's time to do the unthinkable."

"What's that?" asked Sunny in her best 'innocent baby' voice.

"We go Justice League on the police."

Isadora had convinced Duncan to follow her to a stand of trees just outside the carnival. According to the cops, no one was allowed to leave the gates until they had finished investigating. But since when have our plucky heroes ever listened to the misguided and confused authority of Snicket Land?

"What do you want to talk about, sister?" Duncan inquired, taking her warm hand in his icy blue one.

"Duncan." Isadora began carefully, "It's about Mom and Dad."

"Oh?"

"This has been bugging me forever, but tonight just made me think—s"

"Yes?"

"At school. They just dumped us there, right?"

"Right." Duncan wasn't sure where she was going with this.

"How old was I?"

"When we were first brought to Prufrock Prep...hm...I'd say we were around five or six years of age."

"Duncan, is it wrong that I don't remember them? I mean, they never visited us. We stayed in the school even during vacation. All I know is that Mom's name was—was—" she paused, struggling to remember, "Alice, right?"

"Correct."

"And dad. Dad was—" she paused, realizing the truth, "I can't remember Dad's name!"

Duncan paused, biting his lip, "To tell you the truth, sister, I can't remember his name, either."

Isadora took a deep breath, "Duncan. We were told that they, Mom and Dad, they were in the 'Land of the Serpent'."

"'Deep and dark and dangerous.'" Duncan finished for her, "Your point being?"

"I don't feel sorry for them!" The tears of frustration flowed anew, evaporating into steam on contact with her incredibly warm face, "They just left us behind as kids and we never saw them again! Now, seven years later, we're told that they disappeared doing work for some secret organization, but should we try and save them?"

Duncan looked into his sister's fiery eyes and cooled her steaming cheeks with a pat of his hand, "Isadora. We have a family now. Violet and Chubs. They are all we need. But still, we have to find our parents. Just to make them apologize. Just to make them explain."

"Should we tell the others?"

"No. Wherever we're going, we know it's going to be dangerous. If Chubs and Violet come along and something happens to them I don't think I could live with myself."

"Me neither. But, should we at least say goodbye?"

Duncan closed his eyes, "No. We shouldn't. Then they would insist on going with us. Let's go. I'll sneak back to the carnival and knick some supplies for the trip. Sit tight."

Duncan walked off and Isadora's mind was rent by a swirling mass of conflicting emotions.

WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW HERE AGAIN {from _The Phantom of the Opera_}

Isadora: {speaking, well, actually sobbing} Dad—

{singing}

Wishing you were somehow here again.

Wishing you were somehow near.

Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here!

Wishing I could here your voice again, knowing that I never would.

Dreaming of you helped me to do, all that you dreamed I could!

Too many years fighting back tears.

Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again!

Knowing we must say goodbye.

Try to forgive, teach me to live, give me the strength to try!

No more memories.

No more silent tears.

No more gazing across the wasted years.

Help me say goodbye.

Help me say goodbye!

{Isadora cries bitterly}

THE CURTAIN FALLS

A/N: I really had to edit a lot out of that last song, to make it fit and whatnot. So, the Quags are leaving, the two elder Baudes are in for an arrest if they can't do anything about it, and Mr. Poe and Carmelita are still in obscurity, but we can find out more about both of them later.

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished—It's Actually Stranger Then You Dreamt It

Disclaimer: I have five words: Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment, Tweak. And we own nothing.

A/N: So, so, so, _so _sorry for the wait. I'd meant to stick to writing but—finals. Blech! And they're not yet finished! But, I will do as any respectable gentleman would, and release chapter nine after an insane wait. Thanks to our most loyal super-fan, Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing our last tumultuous chapter. And now for a brief recap: In the story of Olivia Caliban, Olivia has left Richie momentarily, so as to trace the location of her distressed sister, Beatrice. In the main storyline, the two Quags have left the carnival in secret, so as to find the Land of the Serpent, and their parents. The three Baudes have reunited so as to concoct a plan for escape, using their unique abilities—and there's other stuff, but you can just read on to find out what I'm prattling on about!

SIX MONTHS EARLIER

It is now the first of September, the first day of official schooling for Snicket Land.

In a tall field of dead, orange grass there was a hill and on this hill was a school. Prufrock Preparatory School to be exact.

A student was scrambling down the slope, having heard the wide-spread rumors. Her name was Carmelita Spats, fifteen, red-haired, green-eyed and unreasonably bratty.

She came to the spot where it had occurred. The train was gone but the wreck was still there.

The evil locomotive of death and destruction had been heard to shred through the field at eight-o'clock that morning. The grass where it had traveled was flattened down and probably would not rise again for a little while. The more striking factor though, was the car wreck. A black sedan, having once been a fine and expensive piece of machinery, lay smoking and in tatters in the wake of the train that had consumed it.

And in the wreck?

The rumors had been true. There was a body. The form was unidentifiable, mutilated beyond the point of recognition though there did seem to be some things that had escaped destruction.

Two sparkling, scarlet combs. They looked to be hewn of the finest and most valuable of rubies.

Being the little spoiled bizzy-wizzy that she was, Carmelita picked up the combs and slid them into her own hair: gorgeous!

Satisfied that she had won a prize from her little adventure, Carmelita dashed back up the slope towards the school.

She didn't want to be late to Bore To Death Class with Mr. Remora.

After she had gone, a woman stepped out of the grass.

The people of Snicket Land know her as Esme the Whore. We of course, call her Esme.

She had heard the news and had rushed to the site posthaste. Of course, being the slave to crazy, unconventional fashion that she is, Esme was wearing a pale blue ballgown with white ruffs. A tiara on her head and a traveling cloak around her shoulders completed the ungainly picture and allows us to get to some more story.

She had not meant for this to happen. She had told them to spread a rumor about Becca, but it hadn't worked out that way, had it? No! They had murdered Becca and it was all Esme's fault!

The poor, grieved woman approached the car. She had seen that girl from a distance. Had seen her take the combs. But she had been too far away to stop her.

"Becca." Esme looked down at the mangled corpse in the car, "I'm sorry, Becca."

"What a touching display of grief!" cut in an all-too-familiar voice. Olivia stepped through the field, wheeling her bike behind her.

"I don't think we have anything further to say to one another." Esme retorted sharply. She hadn't forgotten what she had done to her. How she had wrenched away her Dewey!

"I've come to grieve." Olivia looked to the car, "Is the whole family dead?"

"Family?"

"Yes, family, Esme, family! She had a husband and three kids! Weren't they in the car with her?"

"I wouldn't know, I just got here!" Esme tried to sound firm but a soft spot swelled to a point within her and she said, "I'm sorry, Olivia. She was a very strong woman. This was a horrible, horrible accident."

Just saying that it was an accident when she knew it to be murder was gut-wrenching, but Olivia didn't need to know. She shouldn't have to know.

Olivia, of course, had far deeper powers of perception than Esme and snapped back, "Accident! You call being flattened by a train that appears out of nowhere an ACCIDENT? Esme, are you really that stupid? There must have been some kind of plot against her! Someone has to be behind this. Of course, what would you know about conspiracy? You're too busy telling everyone how wonderful everything is!"

Esme was offended, "I'm a public figure now, people expect me to—"

"Lie?"

"Be encouraging! Besides, a lot of people take things that don't belong to them."

Olivia stared, "What are you talking about?"

"Don't act like you don't know! You took Dewey from me! I was in the room!"

"I didn't 'take him away', he left of his own accord!"

"That's just the thing a B*TCH would say!"

"You shut up! I had nothing to do with Dewey's leaving! I was there to save those people that I had cursed. Remember, back when we were friends? Back when you had a small little percentile of PERSONALITY!"

"Who are you to talk about personality? You fly around on that thing." she gestured to the bike, "And lurk in the shadows, occasionally popping back out to commit some atrocity."

"You believe all of that? Honestly, I thought you were at least smarter than all that!"

"That's the last straw!" Esme proceeded to pounce on her once-friend and beat her about the head with her own wig.

Olivia retaliated by attempting to throttle Esme with her shawl.

This crazy and incredibly amusing cat-fight was cut short, however as two LSPD, or, Lemony Snicket Police Department, vans slid on in, releasing our good ole' friend Commissioner Sausagepot for the simple reason that he is the only policeman whom we know by name.

"Step away from the whore, B*tch!" Sausagepot commanded Olivia, having two of his men pull her away from Esme, whom he looked at and nodded, "Sorry we couldn't get here sooner, Miss. There was a hell of a lot of traffic on the Interstate!"

"What? Oh no!" Esme moaned, she had figured this was gonna happen. She should have warned Olivia, sent her away. But now it was too late.

Olivia was enraged. The kind of enraged you get when you're incredibly shocked but trying to cover it up with bravado.

"I can't believe you would sink this low." she gasped, "That you would use my sister's death as a trap to capture me!"

Esme suddenly felt sorry for her old friend. Why had she done this? It did seem like she had nothing to do with Dewey's running off. If anyone was a b*tch here it was her.

"Well," Sausagepot turned to his men, "Take her away!"

But before Olivia could be shoved into the back of a paddy-wagon, a rope or vine or something swung in, complete with Richie the Avocado clinging to it, Dewey's old rifle on his back.

He deftly leaped to the ground and drew the gun on Sausagepot, "Let the Snake Chick go!"

"Richie?" Olivia was mortified, "I told you not to follow me!"

Richie didn't listen to her, though and trained the gun on Esme, "Let her go!" he continued, "Or explain to all how the Snicket's guards watched while Esme the Whore was slain!"

Esme rolled her eyes, why was it always her?

The guards did let go of Olivia, at a command from Sausagepot, of course.

"Richie, don't do this to yourself!" Olivia implored him. Richie looked at her, gave her a small smile and pushed the bike towards her.

"He's right." Esme said weakly, "Go." she tossed over the wig.

Olivia looked at Richie, and his reply was, "GO!"

Olivia realized then, he was sacrificing himself for her.

So what more could she do? She rushed off and mounted the bike, wig in hand.

Sausagepot stepped over to Richie and lifted his arm, this was apparently the sign that the guards should jump forward and tackle Richie, for that is just what they did.

Esme watched, helpless to prevent them as they carried the man who was everything to her friend but nothing to her into one of the vans.

The police drove off, around the bend.

Olivia had flown as fast as she could to the Carnival Where Social Services Don't Exist. It was indeed as Richie had described it: dark, empty, somewhat slasher movie horrifying.

She stood in the center of the midway, the fierce wind causing her shawl to billow back.

NO GOOD DEED {from _Wicked_}

Olivia: {screaming through the night} RICHIE!

{she reaches into her shoulder bag and pulls out the Zimmerie. she flips open to a certain page and begins chanting, singing the chant actually}

Eleka, nahmen, nahmen, ahtum, ahtum, eleka nahmen, eleka, nahmen, nahmen, ahtum, ahtum, eleka nahmen—

Let his flesh not be torn, let his blood leave no stain, though they beat him let him feel no pain.

Let his bones never break, and however they try to destroy him, let him never die.

Let him never die—

{she resumes her chanting}

Eleka, nahmen, nahmen, ahtum, ahtum, eleka nahmen, eleka, nahmen, nahmen, ahtum, ahtum, eleka—eleka—

UGH!

{she slams the Zimmerie shut in frustration}

What good is this chanting?

I don't even know what I'm reading!

I don't even know what trick I ought to try.

Richie, where are you?

Already dead or bleeding?

One more disaster I can add to my GENEROUS SUPPLY!

No good deed goes unpunished.

No act of charity goes unresented.

No good deed goes unpunished, that's my new creed.

My road of good intentions led where such a road always leads.

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!

Becca—

Dr. Cornbluth—

Richie—RICHIE!

{she sinks to her knees}

One question haunts and hurts, too much, too much to mention: was I really seeking good, or just seeking attention?

Is that all good deeds are when looked at with an ice-cold eye?

If that's all good deeds are, maybe that's the reason why—NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!

All helpful urges should be circumvented!

No good deed goes unpunished, sure, I meant well, well, look at what well-meant did!

{she rises}

All right, enough. So be it.

So be it, then, let all Snicket Land be agreed, I'm _wicked _through and through, since I cannot succeed.

Richie, saving you, I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again—

EVER AGAIN!

NO GOOD DEED, WILL I DO—AGAIN!

THE CURTAIN FALLS

SIX MONTHS LATER

Violet had called a conference in the freaks caravan. Those in attendance included Violet herself, Chubs and Sunny. For some reason, they had been unable to find Duncan and Isadora.

"Okay," Violet began, "Olaf and the cops will be bursting through that door any minute now. We need ideas!"

Chubs raised his hand, "To reprise some of our old plans, we could choke them to death with carrot souffle."

"Chubs that had no chance of working last time and it has even less chance of working now. Any other ideas?"

Sunny now raised her hand, "Rip off faces." she suggested.

"No, too bloody. Now, if Duncan and Isadora were here, then we'd be able to all use our powers. But without them, it's just my telekinesis and Chubs' strength. Not the best odds."

"Well we must think of something!" Chubs moaned, "We're running out of time!"

For once, Chubs' knack for stating the obvious came in accurate, for just then there was a knock on the caravan door, "Open this door is the name of the LSD. I'm sorry, open this door in the name of the LSPD!" it was Sausagepot's voice.

"Oh God, they're here!" Violet jumped from her seat, "OK, new plan!"

"What kind of plan?"

"We go completely crazy on their asses!"

Just as the knocking turned to pounding, Violet thrust her arms forward, thus throwing the door open with her telekinesis, revealing Commissioner Sausagepot and about fifteen or so other officers.

"We've caught them at last!" Sausagepot cackled, he faltered though, when he looked at Chubs, "Well. I'm not sure about him."

"You shan't have any time to decide on that matter!" Chubs exclaimed, pouncing forward and pushing the crazed Commissioner out into the midway.

"He's attacked the boss!" gasped one of the other cops.

"What should we do?" wondered another.

"We're useless without him."

"You blithering idiots!" Sausagepot yelled at them from where he was sprawled in the dust, "Shoot them full of holes!"

"Right-o!" the cops chorused, opening fire on the Baudes.

"Not so fast!" Violet lifted her arms and the bullets heading for them zipped backwards towards the officers.

Three of them were hit and died promptly after, the others were lucky enough to jump out into the midway.

The Baudes lept out after them and into the startled crowd of detained party guests.

"Wow!" squealed Geraldine Julienne excitedly, "'Crazy Brawl at Carnival'. Wait 'till the readers of the Daily Pinch-in-Your-Eye see that!"

There was slashing of teeth, and punching of faces and random objects soaring through the air. All in all, it was anybody's game, until Olaf reared his ugly head.

He stepped out of the crowd, clad in his puffy, purple Shakespeare pants. He saw the brawl and his uni-brow creased in frustration. He saw his beloved Sunny helping her siblings. He roared in rage and noticed a plastic bread knife on the ground at his feet, " 'Is this a knife I see before me?' " he quoted, picking up the relatively harmless blade.

Lulu lay in her tent, curled up with Reggie. The appearance of Esme at the Masquerade had greatly shaken her and she didn't think she could handle the grief that her best friend had gotten carried away by her sulky lover and Lulu hadn't done anything to save her.

Reggie had tried to console her, he held her close, closed her in for a kiss but still Lulu felt distraught. His wolf cycle was vastly approaching and she still hadn't found a proper way to save him from the curse she had unwittingly put him under.

"What's wrong?" Reggie asked her, seeing her eyes grow somber, "Come on, tell me."

"It's just—oh, Reggie, I can't live like this anymore! The last eighteen years I've been hiding things, the last six months I've been pretending to be a gypsy in the wilderness. It gets so overwhelming, especially now I've completely ruined Esme's life!"

"That makes no sense! You did nothing to her."

"Yes, I did! First she blamed me for keeping Dewey away for her and now she'll forever blame me for sending her to an early grave!"

"You mean—?" Reggie was shocked.

Olivia sadly nodded, "I'm afraid it's true. Dewey has had a very, very hard life. As far as I know he was in hiding at his brother's hotel since he fled the palace. I don't know what he's doing here but I think that he wants to kill Esme! The man acts all charming and charismatic but really he's mad as a—as—oh, whatever! The point is, if I hadn't been so worried about exposing myself to the public she might not have been carried off!"

Reggie looked at her, lovingly but firmly, "Lulu, whatever happened to Esme, it's not your fault. And if it matters so much to you, let's leave here. Let's find her. Alright?"

Lulu felt her heart swell with a fuzzy sort of warmth. Here Reggie was again, risking his neck just to help her.

"Reggie, what about the police?"

"We'll sneak around them. There's bound to be a distraction somewhere along the line. But for now we should sleep. It's nearly morning."

Olivia smiled, and removed her wig, letting the snakes slither around Reggie in their playful, sexy way.

All I can say is that they both slept very well that night.

Esme woke at precisely five-thirty the following morning, having slept peacefully in her shock-induced stupor. She looked around and saw that it hadn't been a dream. She was still in the thick of the Hinterlands, wearing her angel dress and looking like she'd just been swept to Oz.

"Dewey?" she called into the brightening darkness, "Dewey?"

"Shh!" hushed a voice and Dewey was there.

It was then Esme realized that she had slept wrapped in Dewey's cloak. How considerate, and somewhat disturbing of him.

"I'm out of food but I did forage for some berries." Dewey handed her a handful of little purple berries, "I hope you enjoy them."

Esme smiled at him and picked at the little fruits, "What kind of berries are they?"

"No idea. I ate the first one just to be sure that they were safe and I've had a rollicking horrid case of diarrhea all night."

Esme quickly put the berries down, "I don't think I'm hungry."

She looked at her darling's face and her eyes once again fell on that half-mask.

"Dewey darling," she began, "why do you wear that mask? You never used to wear it, but ever since I came to that hotel at New Year's it's been there. Why?"

Dewey sighed, "You wouldn't like to know, dear, you would think badly of me."

"Oh, nonsense! Dewey, if you really want to spend the rest of your life with me, we can't have any secrets! Now please, what's under the mask?"

"You don't need to know." Dewey insisted.

Overcome with indignation and curiosity, Esme simply reached forward and snatched the mask from his face, much like he had done with her own at the masquerade.

The picture was indeed horrible.

The entire left side of Dewey's face was scarred completely, mutilated disgustingly, foully grotesque. Esme stifled a shriek of horror. What had happened to her Dewey?

STRANGER THEN YOU DREAMT IT {from _The Phantom of the Opera_}

Dewey: Damn you!

You little prying Pandora!

You little demon, is this what you wanted to see?

Curse you!

You little lying Delilah!

You little viper!

Now you cannot ever be free!

Damn you!

Curse you!

Stranger than you dreamt it.

Can you even dare to look?

Or bare to think of me?

This loathsome gargoyle, who burns in hell, but secretly yearns for heaven, secretly—secretly.

Esme—

Fear can turn to love, you'll learn to see to find the man behind the monster.

This repulsive carcass, who seems a beast but secretly dreams of beauty.

Secretly, secretly.

Oh, Esme—

{Esme runs her hand down his wounded cheek}

Esme: {speaking} Dewey, it doesn't matter that half of your sexiness is in tatters. As long as half of you is still sexy and you really love me then there's no reason for us to be apart.

But please, tell me, why were you wounded?

{pause}

Dewey: I'll tell you later.

Come, we must return. Those fools at that carnival will be missing you.

{he sweeps Esme off of her feet and spreads his cape to fly}

THE CURTAIN FALLS

A/N: And we know even more! We know why Carmelita had had Beatrice's combs, we know how Richie became a werewolf and, more importantly than anything, we know what's under Dewey's mask.

But still, as always, there are some questions, some of which will be answered next week, others of which won't be answered for a while yet.

I can't wait for summer—

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10, March of the Prima Donna Hunters

Disclaimer: Not ours—I do own a pair of bottle-green trousers with yellow checkers that I would never wear in my life, though.

A/N: Short chapter this time, but we—or rather, I—had reasons. Terrible finals are terrible, let's just say that. The good thing is: JUST ONE MORE TEST LEFT! And a three-day weekend before that, and then the **~summer~**. I just discovered that you can do that weird typeface thingy you just read. So thanks to Gypsy Rosalie, our lovely reviewer. I'd wish you more funny words, but Albus Dumbledore gets terribly serious after the first book of _Harry Potter_ and doesn't lend much more to the glossary of funny words. Though, I do have this rather ripping one: Polygrip! It's the paste they use to stick on dentures, according to Plot Murderer #1, that is. Anyway, I'm very proud of the humor in this chapter title so—enjoy!

SIX MONTHS EARLIER

Back in September, the citizens of Snicket Land had been pressured to the extreme. After hearing about the Wicked B*tch kidnapping the new Captain of the Guard and assaulting the Snicket himself, it had been unanimously decided that someone had to fight.

And who better to lead the charge than Dirty Bastard's greatest hero? A man who had recently appeared out of the masses, clad in black jumpsuit and mask: THE BALD AVENGER—LE GASP!

He and one other vicious helper would be trekking off to the Hinterlands to finally put an end to the B*tch's reign of terror.

As such, a great sendoff was prepared for them in the main square in Dirty Bastard. On one terrace stood Madame Anwhistle, smiling and waving as she does, and next to her was Esme, looking like the most miserable wet puppy there had ever been.

On the terrace opposite, stood the Bald Avenger, ready to deliver a speech to the people.

MARCH OF THE WITCH HUNTERS {from _Wicked_}

{sound of a militia drum roll}

Bastardians: Go, and hunt her, and find her and kill her!

Madame Anwhistle: Good fortune, B*tch Hunters!

Bastardians: Go, and hunt her, and find her and kill her.

Obnoxious Bastardian: {speaking} Kill the B*tch!

Bastardians: {singing} Wickedness must be punished!

Evil effectively eliminated.

Wickedness must be punished.

Kill the B*tch!

Bald Avenger: {speaking} And this is more than just a service to the Snicket.

I have a personal score to settle with Olivi—

{catching himself}

WITH THE B*TCH!

{singing, doing a crazy jig inspired by Plot Murderer #1}

It's due to her my head is bald, her spell made this occur, so for once I'm glad I'm hairless, I'll be hairless killing her!

{a thick black tail slithers into and out of sight for a brief second}

Come out here!

{the form does not emerge}

And the serpent also has a grievance to repay, if she'd let him fight his own battles when he was young, he wouldn't be a coward today!

Bastardians: Kill her! Kill the B*tch!

{singing}

Wickedness must be punished!

Brave B*tch-Hunters, I would join you if I could, because Wickedness must be punished!

Punished!

Punished!

For good!

THE CURTAIN—

Actually, there are a few more important facts that you need to learn first.

With one last wave to the crowd, The Bald Avenger and the enormous snake exited the terrace to plan for their western expedition.

The Bastardians decided that they had better things to do than dance around in circles and cheer on the B*tch Hunters so they went their separate ways as well.

All that were left now were Madame Anwhistle and Esme, standing on their own dais, looking down at the deserted plaza.

Esme looked at the woman whom had once been her mentor, "Madame Anwhistle, why are you doing this? You knew Olivia, you trained her. Why are you sending all these people against her?"

Madame Anwhistle looked at her former pupil and gave her a dry smile, "Esme dear, just shut up and look pretty."

She left. Esme was alone in the plaza.

She descended the terrace and sat on a convenient bench, contemplating on what she had done to Olivia, to Becca, to Olivia's lover—what was his name?

"Don't despair, Esme." said a scratchy voice as a tall, lean figure stepped out from a narrow alley.

Esme was immediately on her guard. She knew full well what strange guys did to pretty girls in the middle of the night.

"Who are you?" she asked, trying to keep her voice controlled.

"You don't remember me?" the figure asked, stepping into the light from the streetlamps revealing that he was Esme's old school mate, Olaf.

"Olaf?" Esme sized up his bald spot and yellow nails, "You aged—well."

"Thank you!" he chuckled, "I couldn't help but notice your predicament. The wicked, wicked things that horrible old woman is planning to do to Olive."

"Olivia." Esme corrected him, "And yes, it's horrible, sending that caped idiot and his snake pet out to kill her."

"Oh yes, yes. Indeed it's horrible!" Olaf agreed, "Esme. You don't want this, do you? Haven't you had enough of working with this sadistic, cruel government of corruption and utmost cruelty?"

"Actually, I have." Esme considered, "But I can't just back down, the people love me and I can't just abandon them."

"You can, Esme! I recruit people who are sick of society, people who want to rebel. They help me take it down."

"Take down society—" Esme trailed off. That sounded a very mysterious and sexy prospect, to be sure. But still, there was her position to consider.

"Olaf, what will I get if I join you?"

"You'll get five dollars a week and you'll also get to bed me every other night."

Esme thought, it would probably be best to abandon thoughts of Dewey. She would likely never see him again. And traveling the world with Olaf and his friends seemed a rather nice prospect.

"Alright," she nodded her head, "I'll do it!"

"Then we must go at once! Go and pack a suitcase. Travel light. I'll come for you at dawn!"

And so, Olaf went one way and Esme went another, anticipating the new life she would begin in the morning.

SIX MONTHS LATER

Now to end the week-long tension and tell you what's been happening at the carnival brawl.

The Masquerade guests, the three freaks, Geraldine Julienne, Commissioner Sausagepot, Lulu, Reggie, the rest of Olaf's cronies and Olaf himself were watching as the three Baudelaire murderers battled with Sausagepot's men.

Olaf looked from the fight, to the plastic bread-knife in his hand and made the decision.

It was time to join the rumble.

He jumped into the fray and thrust the knife into the eye of one of the officers.

Well what did you expect him to do?

If his Sunny was in danger, even though she was helping her siblings, Olaf had to fight to protect her.

"Olaf!" cried Sunny, surprised that he was fighting on their side.

Olaf beamed at her, "Stay close, darling, I'll win this for you!"

And so, Violet used her telekinesis to send the environment against the foe, Chubs swung punches like an expert boxer, Sunny indulged in her favorite pass-time and scraped her teeth across the faces of the officers. Oh, and Olaf was stabbing them in the eye with his knife; it didn't actually wound them but it temporarily blinded them all the same.

The crowd though, wasn't intent on sitting back and watching the brawl. Some of them went so far as to choose sides and battle it out with the others.

Geraldine cracked open the Riddler's head with her handy microphone, taking him out immediately. Mr. Tumnus and Lucy Pevensie were in an all-out free-for-all with the White Witch and Vera Claythorne. Poison Ivy had just run a rose through Wendy Darling's heart.

The King and Queen of Hearts were having a couple's spat while Fernald snuck up behind them and raked his right hook into the King, slaying him.

Collete had been cornered by the Joker, who was advancing on her with a pistol; she was saved, however, by Kevin who strangled the Clown Prince of Crime with his sixth and seventh hands.

In the middle of all this, of course, were the original brawlers, still going all out. And then Sausagepot finally jumped in.

The Commissioner lept into the fray and pressed his shiny boot over Violet's chest, pinning her to the ground.

All seemed lost for her, Chubs himself was being restrained by four men and Sunny had been carried to safety by Olaf. Violet wouldn't have stood a chance. Until—

MR. POE TO THE RESCUE!

Yep, the man who's had only two lines of dialogue all story, the marvelous captive slave of Olaf, Arthur Poe stepped in and hurled Sausagepot to the floor.

"You get away from those kids!" he roared, withdrawing another of his bits of patented Poe-Merchandise. This time, it was his Poe-Stick; a wooden flagpole that he had stolen from the Dirty Bastard Central Park several years ago. Like his Poe-Tips from the last story, they had never come in handy until now.

With his Poe-Stick, he struck down against the enemy much like the guy from Robin Hood with the pole thingy. What's his name? I'll remember it later, no doubt.

The fight had branched into a huge riot so no one noticed the new person appearing in the midway.

"OLAF, STOP THIS!" the voice screamed, it was an efficient voice, feminine and steely.

Everyone turned to look at the source of the noise and Olaf practically passed out.

"Kit!" he murmured, staggering backwards.

Hey, guess what? More cliffhangers!

Back at the little trailer park where Esme and Carmelita had been staying, the nightly _Babes in the Woods_ special was about to be performed and the star was none other then our other outspoken character: Carmelita Spats.

She had been waiting for Esme to return from that Masquerade. It was dawn now and she still hadn't turned up. That party must have been a real roof-raiser!

"I really should wait for my—" Carmelita tried to tell the show's managers Andre and Padre. She didn't know how to finish her sentence. What was Esme to her? Surrogate mother? Good friend? Over-emotional caretaker?

Andre cut in before she could think of what to say, "Ma'am, you've got to star! The show starts at six o'clock! We kin't wait for Missus Esme to come along!"

These hick accents were common among Hinterlandians and Carmelita was used to it by now, "Mr. Andre, we can't have the show without Esme, and besides, wouldn't you rather have your precious ingenue?"

She was speaking about the other resident star, Mademoiselle Mopsy, the dirty bathroom mop whom the managers had been favoring lately.

"Missus, no." Padre insisted, "We need ya for the show."

PRIMA DONNA {from _The Phantom of the Opera_}

Andre and Padre: Prima Donna, first lady of the stage.

Your devotees are on their knees to implore you.

Can you bow out when they're shouting your name?

Think of how they all adore you.

Prima Donna, enchant us once again.

Think of of your muse, and of the queues 'round the theatre.

Can you deny us the triumph in store?

SING PRIMA DONNA ONCE MORE!

{on top of a maintenance trailer behind them, we see Dewey alighting. he has re-affixed his mask over the disfigured half of his face. for some reason Esme is not with him}

Dewey: {quietly} Esme spoke of a brat—

{he looks down and sees Carmelita being guided into the trailer by Andre and Padre. the scene changes to Carmelita's dressing trailer where Andre and Padre supervise the applying of makeup, perfume, dollar store jewelery and an enormous pink dress on Carmelita}

Carmelita: Prima Donna your song shall live again.

Andre and Padre: Think of your public—

Carmelita: {overlapping them} You took a snub but there's a public who needs you.

Andre and Padre: Those who hear your voice liken to you like an angel—

Carmelita: {determined} Think of their cry of undying support.

Andre: We get our show!

Padre: She gets her limelight!

Carmelita: {overlapping him} Follow where the limelight leads you—

Andre and Padre: Leading ladies are a trial—

Carmelita: You'll sing again to unending ovation.

Andre and Padre: Orders! Warnings! Lunatic demands!

Carmelita: Think how you'll shine in that final encore—

All: SING PRIMA DONNA ONCE MORE!

Dewey: {heard off} I must see these demands are rejected!

Andre and Padre: You'd never get away with all this in a play, but if it's loudly sung and in a foreign tongue that's just the sort of story audiences adore, IN FACT A PERFECT HO-DOWN!

{the scene changes once more to the open-air amphitheater in the trailer park where the hicks sit in the audience as Andre, Padre, and a wide hillbilly chorus are assembled on stage. in the midst of them is Carmelita, now fully donned in a pink ball gown and with her red hair in a dome on top of her head}

All: {loud chorus} PRIMA DONNA, THE WORLD IS AT YOUR FEET!

A NATION WAITS AND HOW IT HATES TO BE CHEATED!

LIGHT UP THE STAGE WITH THAT AGE-OLD RAPPORT!

SING PRIMA DONNA—

{they all take a deep breath before belting out}

ONCE MORE!

THE CURTAIN DOESN'T FALL, I FAVOR MORE DIALOGUE!

The majority of hicks cleared off the stage after this and Carmelita began her routine.

"You know," she started, "Back in Dirty Bastard people are pretty hard to agree with. Why, I once met a guy who wouldn't give me a cent over five bucks! And I even offered a Lemony Steamer!"

The audience laughed, even though they didn't understand Carmelita's dirty jokes.

"Well," Carmelita continued, giving a cute giggle, "I think it's time for my co-star Mr. Rick Padoodle to join me! Come on out here, Rick!"

Rick's entrance was the same every evening, a wooden cart would roll in, pulled by a team of six perfectly trained lions. Rick's basic job was just to laugh like an ass at everything Carmelita said.

Indeed, the lions pulled the cart out, but standing in it wasn't Rick. It was that weird guy from that hotel a few months ago. What was his name? Dewey, Carmelita recalled.

The crowd gasped and Andre and Padre dashed onto the stage at once, "What's happened to Mr. Padoodle, you chicken ass?" Andre demanded to know.

Dewey gave them a dark grin, "Mr. Padoodle is dead! And I am here to take away the star of the show: Carmelita Spats!"

Carmelita blanched, "Why are you here? We haven't bothered you in a while, why have you followed me?"

"I haven't been following you, brat. Your caretaker, the radiant Esme has asked that I bring you to her so that she, you and I may be: 'A family unit', as she put it. Quickly, mount my new chariot!"

"You kin't take Miss Carmelita away!" insisted Padre, "She's the biggest hit we've had since we put on _Rent_ a few years back!"

Dewey calmly put his hand to his side and drew a rapier, similar to the one he had carried in his short spell as Captain of the Snicketian Guard, and pressed it against Padre's throat.

"Let us leave," he commanded coldly, "Or I will behead you."

Andre stepped in to save his heterosexual life-partner, "Of course, of course, you kin take her! Isn't that right, Padre?"

Padre shakilly nodded his head, "Yessir. Take her right away!"

"Thank you." Dewey lowered his blade, "Come." he told Carmelita, who didn't hesitate for a moment in climbing into the cart beside him.

With a sharp crack of the reins, the lions hurried off, taking Dewey and Carmelita to the Carnival Where Social Services Don't Exist.

A/N: We're getting to the end, guys! Only one more _Wicked_ song remains as well as one or two more _Phantom_ songs. Yes, we have reintroduced Kit Snicket, who will be playing a much larger role in things to come. We have also established that Esme is going to the carnival. Why? You'll find out.

The chapters may actually be put up earlier in the day from hence forward, considering I'll be on vacation. Goodie!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11, The Point of Never Returning FOR GOOD!

Disclaimer: Zippo is a lighter and is also a way of saying we own nothing.

A/N: Sorry for the delay, but the internet was being an ass yesterday. Either way, Chapter 11 is here, hooray! Thanks to Gypsy Rosalie for your reviews, which really have been keeping us motivated, I can tell you. Also, for anyone following the mystery in _Mount Rancour_, Chapter 11 of _that _story is now up after a very long delay.

YAROO!

And in other news, _Winnie the Pooh_ comes out in just two weeks and my childhood is about to be reborn. I have to face the great internal struggle: see _Pooh _or _Harry Potter 7 Part 2—_I don't know. And now for something you actually want to see:

There is no more need to go back into the past. The entire conclusion can culminate in the present.

The brawl at the carnival had been raging well past sunrise. Well, not exactly sunrise. The sky was, as per usual, a mass of steely grey clouds.

A chill wind was blowing, typical of a mid-March morning and the maddening fight continued in the midway.

But as you know, the brawl had ended with the appearance of Kit Snicket. As we also know, Kit had been banished from Snicket Land, though that didn't stop her from sneaking into Dirty Bastard last book. Her dirty blonde hair was still grizzled where it was frizzled but she no longer wore a garbage bag. No, she now wore a tattered kimono in midnight blue, exposing her baby bump, which had grown considerably in the past months.

All were shocked to see the outcast of the Snicket family return to the land that had shunned her, but none were more shocked than Olaf.

"I never thought I would see you again—" he trailed off, unsure of how to phrase his sentence.

"Olaf." Kit said firmly, "Stop terrorizing these people and come to me. I don't want to live alone any more. I've been looking for you forever. I need you!"

THE POINT OF THE NO RETURN {From _The Phantom of the Opera_}

Olaf: {softly} Past the point of no return.

No backward glances.

Our games of make-believe are at an end.

Past all thought of 'if' or 'when'.

No use resisting!

Abandon thought and let the dream descend.

{he grabs Kit and holds her close to him}

What raging fire shall flood the soul?

What rich desire unlocks its door?

What sweet seduction lies before us?

Past the point of no return.

The final threshold!

What warm, unspoken secrets will we learn?

Beyond the point of no return—

Kit: {backing away from Olaf, seductively} You have brought me to that moment when words run dry.

To that moment when speech disappears into silence.

Silence—

I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why.

In my mind I've already imagined our bodies entwining, defenseless and silent.

Now I'm here with you.

No second thoughts.

I've decided.

Decided—

{the two lovers draw closer to the large, rustic wooden roller coaster in the back of the midway that we haven't mentioned until now. then again, you should know it was there from the book}

Past the point of no return—

No going back now.

Our passion play has now, at last, begun.

{they now begin ascending the rusty, metal maintenance stairs that wind through the supports of the coaster}

Past all thought of right or wrong.

One final question.

How long should we two wait before we're one?

When will the blood begin to race?

A sleeping bud burst into bloom?

When will the flames at last, consume us?

Olaf and Kit: { reaching the very top of the roller coaster where the old 'train' of carts is stuck} Past the point of no return.

The final threshold!

{Olaf twirls Kit around and holds her to him once more}

The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn!

We've passed the point of no return—

{the people in the crowd below stare upwards at them, in complete awe. an officer whispers to Sausagepot}

Officer: Commissioner, shouldn't we do something? That woman shouldn't even be in this country anymore!

Sausagepot: Shh! I'm listening to the beautiful music!

Olaf: {singing} Say you'll share with me one love. One lifetime.

Lead me, save me from my solitude.

Fernald: {whispering to Flo} The bastard's stealing my lines!

Flo: Actually, he's changing them up a bit.

Olaf: {singing} Say you want me with you here, beside you.

Anywhere you go let me go to!

Kit, that's all I ask of—

{before he can finish his singing, Lulu is attacked from the back by Kevin and Collete}

Kevin: {speaking} Finally, the reign of terror is over!

Collete: Like, we can totally be free!

Lulu: What the hell are you—?

{but Kevin has already ripped her wig off, and her snakes are revealed. the crowd gasps}

Sausagepot: Amazing! The Baudelaire murderers, the banished Snicket girl and the Wicked B*tch of the West all in the same place!

Geraldine: Wow! _Legion of Evil meets up at deserted Carnival_! Wait 'till the readers of _The Daily Pinch-in-Your-Eye_ see that!

{Lulu becomes pale and shaken as everyone gathers around her. Reggie jumps to her defense and flattens one of the officers with a blow to the face}

Sausagepot: {to officers, pointing at Reggie} Treachery! He evil! Kill him! Tune in for an all new _Days of Our Lives_ at eight!

{Reggie and Lulu are jumped by the cops and cuffed}

Put 'em in there!

{he points to Lulu's tent}

I'll call for reinforcements to bring a paddy-wagon!

{Lulu and Reggie are hauled into the tent}

THE CURTAIN MAY FALL NOW, BUT WE DO HAVE SOME MORE TO DO

Sausagepot had assured everyone that a paddy-wagon would be on the scene shortly, so as to send the Wicked B*tch and her accomplice off to prison and eventually, the electric chair.

Olaf and Kit were still standing precariously at the top of the roller coaster. The police had tried to ascend the stairs to catch them as well but Olaf had better tactics.

"I have a gun in my pocket!" he shouted down to the crowd, "Any attempts to apprehend us and I will shoot said apprehend-er in the heart!"

As we know, Olaf has no gun; he was a very convincing liar, though.

Turning away from this for a moment—

In the tent of prisoners, Violet, Chubs, Sunny, Lulu and Reggie had been relating stories. Lulu had told her history, which you have been reading for these past ten chapters, to the children. She told them that she was their aunt. That their grandad had died on her account. That it was her fault their mother was chronically bald up to a day before her death. Everything, she told them, was her fault.

Violet stared in shock once Olivia had finished, "You mean—?"

"Yes." her aunt nodded, "Your father's body wasn't in that car. You might not know this, but for the past several months there's been a band of people out to kill me. One of them is known only as 'The Bald Avenger'. I think—"

"That our father's alive." Chubs finished for her, "Great Scott!"

"Heavy." agreed Sunny.

"Indeed." Chubs nodded.

"Quite." Sunny withdrew her bubble pipe and started puffing.

"Indubitably—" Chubs began but was cut off by his elder sister slapping him.

"Shut up, Chubs." she commanded him.

Chubs lowered his inky locks in shame.

"Cicipoi." Sunny turned back to Olivia. By the by, Sunny meant to say, "I can't believe it. All our lives we were lied to by our parents and we never knew the deep and terrifying truth that clouded our happy home."

Everyone stared at her, surprised at her sudden brainium-ness.

Richie now spoke for the first time in a while, "I think we'd better start coming up with an escape plan."

Olivia sighed, "Richie darling, there's no point in it! I don't know about you but I'm turning myself in."

"You can't!" Violet insisted, "You're the only family we have left!"

"What about those two other children that have disappeared?"

"The Quagmires?" Chubs huffed, "They've abandoned us. Run off in the dead of night so that the police wouldn't get ahold of them as they have with us."

"Do you honestly believe that?" Olivia put up, taking his strong hand in hers, "My nephew, I know more than anyone what it's like to let your best friend down. I've made countless mistakes in my life but that doesn't mean you have to. Come, I think I have a way of getting you out of here. Richie, go with them."

Richie lept out of his seat, "What about you?"

"I've had plenty of time to think about this, Richie. Eighteen years to be exact. I'm turning myself in and ending this trail of death and despair that I leave wherever I go. Now," she went to a set of wooden cupboards across the tent and started rummaging in them, "let me give you all a parting gift."

"Gift?" Sunny was suddenly excited. Well, she is a spoiled brat two year old, after all.

Olivia, turned to them, holding several bottles, "These, are elixirs. I've taken to brewing them in my spare time."

She handed four of the bottles to Violet and Chubs, "These are cures to the Physical Transformation side effect of the Life Spell. Take two for yourselves and give the other two to your friends when, and if, you find them. Richie," she turned to her lover, "I've been working on this one for the last few months. I think—mind you, I _think—_that it might cure the lycantropy I put you under. Or," her voice faltered, "It might do exactly the opposite."

Richie took the bottle she offered him and kissed her, "Thank you. I love you."

Olivia pulled him in close and took his head in her hands, "Go. All of you. There's a secret cellar."

She pulled aside a richly woven Persian rug, revealing a rotting wooden trapdoor with a narrow ladder leading down into a dank, dark pit.

"Stay down there. When you hear that they've gone, come out and leave through the tent's back-flap. Be careful, all of you."

With one final look at the aunt they never knew they had, the Baudes followed Richie into the pit. Olivia shut the trapdoor once more and pulled the rug over it.

Now all she had to do was wait. The paddy-wagon would arrive, she would be taken to prison and then she would be executed. It seemed a fitting way to end a life in which all she had tried to do was help people, but had damned them instead.

Suddenly, there was a rustling noise from the back of the tent and a figure entered, enshrouded in a ratty woolen coat and shawl.

"Who—? What—?" Olivia trailed off, backing away from the mystery person.

"Calm down, Olivia." the voice said, "It's just me."

The figure pulled the shawl from around its head and her blonde curls fell about her shoulders. It was Esme Lowersham. But of course, she had changed her last name since her flight from the public eye. She was Esme Squalor now.

Esme shed the coat revealing that her angel gown was now filthy and tattered.

"Olivia." Esme stammered.

"Esme." Olivia nodded at her long lost friend.

"I'm sorry." they said at the same time.

"Sorry? What are you sorry for?" Olivia prompted.

Esme paled, "It's my fault that your sister died in September. I'm sorry, Olivia. After Dewey left, I told them everything. I was just so angry! I didn't think it would be any harm. But it was. They hired Olaf to run down her car with that hideous train. Oh my God, Olivia. I heard what was happening here! I told Dewey to bring me back here while he collected Carmelita. I had to apologize. Oh, and Carmelita has Becca's combs."

Olivia was silent for a few minutes, then she said, "The combs?"

"Yes. They were really all that was still intact. When they get here, Dewey and Carmelita, I mean, I'm gonna have her give the combs back to you. You might as well have those while you're in prison."

"No. Esme, let her keep them. She could use them well. Now please, get out of here before the cops come to take me away!"

"Olivia, wait!" Esme now appeared very shaken, "I just want to say something."

FOR GOOD {from _Wicked_}

Esme: I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason.

Bringing something we must learn and we are led, to those who help us most to grow if we let them.

And we help them in return.

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you—

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun—

Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood—

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you, I have been changed for good—

Olivia: It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime.

So let me say before we part, so much of me is made of what I learned from you.

You'll be with me like a hand-print on my heart.

And now whatever way our story's end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea—

Like a seed dropped by a sky-bird in a distant wood—

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you—

Esme: Because I knew you—

Olivia and Esme: I have been changed for good—

Olivia: And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you've blamed me for.

Esme: But then, I guess we know there's blame to share.

Olivia and Esme: And none of it seems to matter anymore.

Esme: Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun—

Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood—

Olivia: {overlapping her} Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea—

Like a seed dropped by a sky-bird in the wood—

Olivia and Esme: Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better—

Esme: And because I knew you—

Olivia: Because I knew you—

Esme and Olivia: Because I knew you, I have been changed for good—

{the two friends embrace}

NO, THE CURTAIN DOES NOT FALL. WE HAVE MORE THINGS TO GET TO

There was a sound of an engine humming outside the tent, as well as several voices, swelling in excitement.

"Damn, they're coming." Olivia was suddenly rushed and frantic.

She went to her bookcase and took the old Zimmerie from its perch on the top shelf. She thrust the book on Esme and with a final, "Quick, go!" pushed her best friend out through the back flap she had come in by.

Sausagepot and about fifteen of his men marched in, guns in hand.

"There's the Wicked B*tch." started the flustered Commissioner, "But where the hell are the Baudelaires and the bald guy?"

Olivia looked at them, steely eyed, and said, "They've killed themselves by ingesting Elixir of Oblivion." she gestured to her supply cupboard, "They've disappeared from this world."

"Well, that's a very plausible solution." nodded Sausagepot, "Now come on, B*tch. You have a chair named Bob to meet!"

And with that, Olivia was roughly escorted out of her tent and to her fate.

A/N: And there's only one more chapter of story stuff left to get to! We're out of _Wicked_ songs. I don't really care for any more _Phantom_ songs. But never fear, there will be plenty of music next chapter.

Oh, I'm so excited!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12, It's Here-A Chapter That's An Opera!

Disclaimer: Not ours. The books, I mean.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait, guys! The Document Manager was being rude and crude with me, and I've not been able to upload my new files. Therefore, as a special treat, both the last chapters for this story are being released today! We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing, and we do hope that you—and our other loyal readers—find this a pleasing chapter.

We left off with poor, poor Olivia about to be dragged to the chair, the Baudes and Richie having received antidotes to their mutations from her as a parting gift. Esme had made her last visit to her friend, and had received the magical Zimmerie in return.

Olaf had been reunited with his old love, Kit Snicket, and are now trapped on top of a roller coaster—yeah, there's lots of stuff going on.

In order to make things more concise for this last chapter of plot-related stuff, we have made it one huge song. Thus, this being the chapter that's an opera.

Enjoy, folks!

TO THE HILLS {as written by the Plot Murderers. any cringing this song causes will be attributed directly to the writers}

{the lights come on over the midway. we see the three freaks huddled in a corner, whispering hurriedly}

Hugo: WHY? Why did you DAMN HER?

Kevin: You know why. We had to DESTROY HER!

Collete: Like, we don't need to be slaves ANYMORE!

Hugo: This is MADNESS!

Kevin: Madness? THIS IS SNICKET!

{we now see that Kit and Olaf are still cornered at the top of the roller coaster}

Kit: Oh Olaf, WHAT WILL WE DO? We can't stay here forever! I cannot stand here

forever—

Olaf: Kit, hush! Who waits forever, anyway?

{now we see Fernald and Flo in another corner}

Flo: My vision! Oh Fernald, I had a vision! And I don't know what it means—

Fernald: Don't fret, dear Flo. We must form a plan AND GO!

Flo: Oh, what's happening to me? Have I gone mad?

Fernald: {overlapping her} I'm here, Flo. You're safe with me, Flo.

{next, we see Tocuna and Enya in some other random place}

Tocuna: This is wicked!

Enya: What is wicked?

Tocuna: We've barely spoken ALL STORY!

Enya: I have a plan, Tocuna.

Tocuna: You have a plan, do you?

Enya: We just have to wait, the time is ripe.

Tocuna: {overlapping it} We have no time. LIFE IS RIFE—

{beat}

—WITH MISERY!

{now, Sausagepot and his men emerge from Olivia's tent, dragging said Olivia behind

them}

Sausagepot: {leading his posse and captive to a paddy wagon that just pulled in}

Excellent! It's time to go!

Excellent! This night was pathetically low!

Olivia: Watch it now! You can't always win.

Watch it now! You're life's down the bin!

Officers: Careful now! Don't go astray! Careful now! There's no more game to play!

{next up, we see Mr. Poe standing somewhere or other}

Mr. Poe: THIS IS DAMNABLE! My life is done! THIS IS DAMNABLE! I must find my sons!

{now we see Esme sneaking through the crowd, wearing the tattered coat and shawl to

disguise herself}

Esme: Where is he? He must come now. Where is he? My darling Dewey. WHERE IS

HE?

{then the Baudes appear in the crowd, disguised as troubadours to distract attention from them}

Violet: We need to leave now!

Chubs: But how!

Sunny: ELIXIR!

Violet: There's NO TIME!

Chubs: Sunny, wait 'till later.

Violet: We need a plan.

Chubs: We've got to go now!

Sunny: ELIXIR!

Violet: Sunny, that doesn't concern you!

Chubs: My head is spinning!

Sunny: ELIXIR!

Violet and Chubs: SHUT UP!

{Olivia is now being shoved into the paddy wagon. before she can, though, the wooden cart pulled by six lions rolls in, with Dewey at the reins and Carmelita in the back. she still wears her pink ball gown but has let her hair down, giving her a more relaxed appearance}

Geraldine: Look! It's the masked man!

Dewey: SILENCE! Quickly, my love, you've got to CLIMB ON!

{Esme runs out of the crowd and leaps onto the cart, shedding her disguise}

Crowd: My God! He's kidnapping, ESME!

Sausagepot: Again!

Esme: {rolling her eyes} Whatever you say!

Carmelita: Come, let us hurry away!

{Dewey is about to crack the reins to get the lions moving, but Violet is suddenly struck with an idea, she waves her hand and, using her telekinesis, severs the lions' harness, allowing the beasts to run free about the midway}

Chubs: {To Violet} What the hell did you do THAT FOR?

Violet: Hush! Just follow me!

{they start chasing the lions around the stage}

Sausagepot: There's the BAUDELAIRES!

Officer #1: They're not DEAD!

Officer #2: The B*tch LIED TO US!

Sausagepot: You fools go and CATCH THEM!

Officers: Of course, we've got to!

{and so, the lions chase the crowd, the Baudes chase the lions and the officers chase the Baudes. it is indeed a merry romp—or something. we focus again on Olaf and Kit on the roller coaster}

Olaf: MARVELOUS! I've had an idea!

Kit: SPLENDID! What exactly is it?

Olaf: Just follow my lead!

{while Olaf and Kit carry out their ambiguous plan, we hear the howling of a wolf

and Richie bursts out of the crowd, in his wolf form even though it's still

daylight, we all know what that means}

Olivia: Oh my God! RICHIE! What have I done to you?

Crowd: GOOD LORD! Lions and wolves! What shall WE DO?

Violet: SWEET MOTHER! He must have drank the ELIXIR!

Chubs: And it's gone horribly wrong!

Sunny: {insisting} ELIXIR!

Violet: Sunny, we've gotta catch those lions!

Chubs: No time for playing!

Violet and Chubs: We've got to ESCAPE!

Sunny: {pouting} Elixir—

{Wolf-Richie runs through the crowd to Olivia}

Richie: {whispering} Come Olivia, let's LEAVE HERE!

Olivia: Richie, I told you to be careful!

Richie: Never mind that now, we can't afford to WASTE TIME!

{they disappear into the frantic crowd. we focus on the trio in the cart}

Esme: How can we leave without the lions?

Dewey: Let me think! Let me think!

Carmelita: DAMNABLE! That's what this is!

Esme: This is DAMNABLE! This plan was worth piss!

Dewey: What's DAMNABLE is that you two won't shut up!

Carmelita, Esme and Dewey: DAMNABLE! This is just DAMNABLE!

Esme: We need a plan!

{now we turn through the chaos and look back on the roller coaster where Olaf and

Kit still stagger}

Olaf: The deed is done!

Kit: Your plan is through?

Olaf: Yes, now let's be GONE!

Kit: But you didn't explain how your plan works yet!

Olaf: I don't have to! See that set—

{beat}

—of cars?

{he points to the stopped coaster train on the track alongside them}

Kit: You don't mean—?

Olaf: I DO! I DO! I've rigged the thing.

We'll be out in a winking!

{Kit pales}

Kit: Are you sure it's safe?

Olaf: OF COURSE NOT! No one's tried it yet! OF COURSE NOT!

Kit: Well then how do we know if—?

Olaf: SILENCE! There's no time to argue! SILENCE! We've no time to waste

now! COME ON!

{he seizes Kit's hand and they climb into the front car}

LET'S FLY!

{with that incredibly loud shout, the attention of everyone in the crowd is riveted on them. Olaf gives a wire beneath the seat a tug and the whole train rockets off the track, landing with a mighty clang in the middle of the midway. people scream, scatter. the lions charge and roar and all is in pandemonium. Olaf calls into the crowd}

ANYONE WHO DESIRES TO JOIN US, HOP ON BOARD!

Flo: {to Fernald} Darling should we?

Fernald: GO!

{he takes her by the arm and they jump into the cart behind Olaf and Kit, clearly too afraid to abandon Olaf. now Flo calls into the masses}

Flo: TOCUNA! PLEASE JOIN YOUR SISTER!

{Tocuna and Enya push through the crowd}

Tocuna: Flo! We're coming!

Enya: Don't leave without us!

Flo: OF COURSE WE WON'T!

{Enya and Tocuna climb into the cart behind Fernald and Flo}

Fernald: What about Reggie?

Olaf: That oaf? We don't need him ANYMORE!

{speaking}

I only hired him on request of that blonde.

Kit: {singing} Come on, we've got to LEAVE!

Olaf: Oh? Oh! Right, right.

{with a pull of another wire, the train shoots forward across the midway, nearly hitting some people, actually plowing over a few, ripping through tents and caravans etc. etc. we once again focus on the freaks}

Kevin: Come, this is our LAST CHANCE!

Hugo: Last chance for what?

Collete: Like, we can escape with that weird guy OVER THERE!

{she points to Olaf and co. in the train}

Come on, we can still CATCH THEM!

Hugo: I can't believe we're DOING THIS!

Kevin: Hurry pansy, we've no time to waste!

{using her superior stretching skills, Collete extends her body so that she's forming a path to the last car of the train, which she is holding onto. Kevin and Hugo jump on her, twirl in the air as though they were on a merry trampoline and all three of them land with a thud in the last car, scaring Olaf nearly to death}

Olaf: GOOD GOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? INSIDE MY TRAIN!

Hugo: WE'RE GOING WITH YOU TO ANYWHERE!

Collete: WE HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO, EXCEPT WITH YOU!

Olaf: {speaking} Well, that's a plus. It's make up for Baldy and then some!

{the train finishes it's destructive rip through the carnival and departs from this story, leaving everything in tattered ruins behind them. we now look once more upon Dewey, Esme and Carmelita in the cart}

Dewey: We've only ONE HOPE!

Esme: And what is it?

Dewey: I'll try and FLY WITH YOU! Grant it, it might not work. You might prove to

be too heavy!

Carmelita: Is that a fat joke?

Dewey: OF COURSE NOT! Come, we've got to fly!

{Dewey spreads his cape into his flying device and takes to the skies, holding the two ladies in his arms. they too, are gone from this story. well, we must assume that shortly after this, Esme changes her outfit and rides a stallion across the Hinterlands, telling various villages of the 'good news' of Olivia's death. well, it would agree with Chapter 1, anyway. ahem: now we turn to Olivia herself as well

as Wolf-Richie, who are fending off the lions on their lonesome}

Olivia: Richie, go and SAVE YOURSELF!

Richie: No, my darling, I'll DIE WITH YOU!

Olivia: Richie, no more heroics. Do the SMART THING!

Richie: This is the smart thing!

{one of the lions pounces on Olivia and seems ready to consume her face, but as so often happens in such situations, Richie leaps onto the wolf and—well—let's turn away from this cruel bloodshed for a moment to look at the very amusing anecdotes of Mr. Poe. Mr. Poe is hiding in a hole in the ground, ostrich style. he sticks his head up to sing}

Mr. Poe: EXCELLENT! That wicked Olaf is gone! EXCELLENT! At last I am free from his

grasp!

{Mr. Poe runs away, probably to appear next story. next up, we look at the actual main characters of this tale: the Baudes. it appears Violet's plan has actually worked. they have been able to harness two of the lions to the freaks caravan}

Violet: {leaping into the driver's bench} CHUBS! Take Sunny and GET INSIDE!

Chubs: Of course!

{Chubs takes Sunny from Violet and climbs into the caravan}

Violet: {cracking the lions' reins} HI-YA!

{the lions pull the caravan off}

THE CURTAIN FALLS

A/N: So, each set of characters—the important ones, at least—have left the Carnival Where Social Services Don't Exist. How will they fare in Book 5? Well, first we'll have a Chapter 13 that, as tradition dictates, will not have anything to do with the actual story-line. This time its an after party complete with singing, dancing and all that good stuff in between! And, as I said, the chapter will be posted right after this one goes up.

Oh! And on the subject, of our beautiful—NOT—opera, it took me a long time to come up with an actual title. Titles included, but were not limited to: DAMNABLE, COME ON, INSIDE MY TRAIN, and WE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE. I'm inwardly weeping just thinking about it.

Update's Already Up! :)


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13, Party All the Live-Long Day

Disclaimer: Same as what you probably read twenty minutes ago. We own nothing.

A/N: And here's the bonus chapter for Book 4! An after party of music and licentiousness. Well, maybe not the last one, but you understand.

We must ask that you guys read the concluding note, so as to glean information on the coming Book 5 of _A Series of Queer Events_.

Let's roll!

My first mistake was to invite the cast of my story to the Plot Murderer household. My second mistake was to provide them with sandwiches and martinis. My third mistake was to set up a karaoke set in the basement. Let's just say that my eardrums did not survive the night.

"This party's hopping, Number 2!" whooped Plot Murderer #1, dancing up to me, doing the tango with Carmelita.

"It's thrillifying!" she agreed.

I rolled my eyes, "Stay away from the booze you two. You know what happened at the Christmas party."

PM1 gave me a contemptuous 'Hmph!' and led his date away.

I scanned the crowd for a suitable dance partner. Unfortunately, everyone was taken except Sunny and Tocuna. I chose Sunny.

"Hey Sunny, wanna dance?" I asked halfheartedly.

Sunny looked up from where she had been chewing the silverware and beamed, "Sure, hot-stuff."

"I feel like such a pedo right now." I murmured as I swept Sunny through the house.

Upon our descent into the basement, we found everyone was gathered around the damned

karaoke stage.

Violet and Duncan jumped on and proceeded to flash us all a grin.

"Okay guys," Violet began, "This is an old one. Its about two people in a shallow relationship."

Duncan turned to her, "Are we shallow, darling?"

"Of course not! That's the joke!"

"Ah." Duncan murmured as the music started.

"Damn, damn, damn!" I swore once I recognized what horrible musical the song was

from.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT {from 'Grease'}

Duncan: I got chills

They're multiplying—

And I'm losing control—

'Cause the power you're supplying—

IT'S ELECTRIFYING!

Violet: You better shape up—

'Cause I need a man!

And my heart is set on you!

You better shape up!

You better understand—

To my heart I must be true!

Duncan: {overlapping} Nothing left—

Nothing left for me to do!

Violet and Duncan: You're the one that I want!

Oo—

Oo—

Oo—

Honey!

The one that I want!

You are the one for me!

Oo—

Oo—

Oo—

The one I need—

Oh, yes indeed—

If you're filled with affection—

You're too shy to convey—

Mediate my direction—

Feel your way!

Duncan: I better shape up—

'Cause you need a man!

Violet: I need a man who can keep me satisfied!

Duncan: I better shape up—

If I'm gonna prove—

Violet: You better prove my faith is justified!

Duncan: {speaking} Are you sure?

Violet: {singing} Yes, I'm sure—

Deep, down inside—

Violet and Duncan: You're the one that I want!

Oo—

Oo—

Oo—

Honey!

You're the one I need—

Oh yes, indeed—

You're the one that I want!

Oo—

Oo—

Oo—

Honey!

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT!

There was an annoying bout of applause which infuriated me as Violet and Duncan descended from the stage.

"Wanna sing?" Sunny looked at me while eating a random fly that she had snatched out of the air. Honestly, sometimes I worry about that baby.

"Um—" I thought of a way to answer her question but was mercifully interrupted by Chubs ascending to the stage.

"This," he started, "is a song I like to sing when I feel I bit down."

The music started, slow and somber and I was glad that this was, at least, a song

that I liked.

MY WAY {as sung by Frank Sinatra}

Chubs: And now, the end is near—

And so I face the final curtain.

My friend, I'll say it clear—

I'll state my case of which I'm certain—

I've lived a life that's full.

I've traveled each and every highway.

And more, much more than this—

I did it my way—

Regrets, I've had a few—

But, then again, too few to mention.

I did...what I had to do—

And saw it through without exemption—

I planned each charted course—

Each careful step along the byway—

And more, much more than this—

I did it my way—

Yes, there were times—

I'm sure you knew—

When I bit off more than I could chew—

But through it all—

When there was doubt—

I ate it up—

And spit it out—

I faced it all—

And I stood tall—

And did it my way—

I've loved—

I've laughed and cried—

I've had my fill—

My share of losing—

And now, as tears subside—

I find it all—

So amusing—

To think, I did all that—

And may I say—not is a shy way—

'Oh no!'

'Oh, no! Not me. I did it my way—'

For what is a man?

What has he got?

If not himself—then he has naught!

To say the things—

He truly feels—

And not the words of one who kneels!

The record shows—

I took the blows—

And did it my way—

More applause as Chubs took his bow, giving Isadora a peck on the cheek as she

mounted to the stage after him.

"Okay," she started, a tad nervous, "This is a song about life and its ups and downs. And all the things that it takes from you."

Another of my favorite pieces.

I DREAMED A DREAM {From _Les Miserables_}

Isadora: I dreamed a dream in time gone by—

When hope was high and life worth living—

I dreamed that love would never die—

I dreamed that God would be forgiving—

Then I was young and unafraid—

And dreams were made and used and wasted—

There was no ransom to be paid—

No song unsung, no wine untasted—

But the tigers come at night—

With their voices soft as thunder—

As they tear your hopes apart—

And they turn your dreams to shame—

AND STILL I'LL DREAM HE'LL COME TO ME!

That we would live the years together!

But there are dreams that cannot be—

And there are storms we cannot weather—

I HAD A DREAM MY LIFE WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT FROM THIS HELL I'M LIVING!

So different now from what it seemed—

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed—

Isadora, eyes sparkling, went to Chubs and they kissed.

"Sing now?" Sunny proposed to me.

"Well—" once more I was saved by someone else stepping onto the stage. This time, it was Olaf and Kit. Sunny scowled and spit on the floor.

"Okay," Olaf rubbed his hands together, "My sweetie here," he gestured to Kit, "Is only here for staging. I'm gonna sing a little ditty that I'm quite fond of because it reminds me of myself and my web of seduction. Hit it!"

Soft, twinkly music began to play and I stared agape at what Olaf was about to do.

PURE IMAGINATION {From _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_}

Olaf: Come with me

And you'll be—

In a world of pure imagination—

Take a look and you'll see into your imagination!

We'll begin with a spin—

Traveling in the world of my creation—

What we'll see will defy—

Explanation!

If you want to view paradise—

Simply look around and view it!

{removes his shirt, revealing his obscenely hairy chest}

Anything you want to—do it!

Want to change the world—

There's nothing—

To it!

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination!

Living there—

You'll be free—

If you truly wish to be.

IF YOU WANT TO VIEW PARADISE—

SIMPLY LOOK AROUND AND VIEW IT!

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO—

DO IT!

WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD?

THERE'S NOTHING—TO IT!

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination!

Living there—

You'll be free—

If you truly wish to be!

Olaf didn't garner nearly as much applause as the previous performers, but what

are you gonna do?

Next up, Mr. Poe ascended to the post.

"Ahem—" he announced, "Here's a song about a fat man eager for a life that he

cannot have. It reminds me rather of myself, actually!"

IF I WERE A RICH MAN {from _Fiddler on the Roof_}

Mr. Poe: If I were a rich man—

Yubba dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dum!

All day long I'd biddy, biddy bum—If I were a wealthy man!

I wouldn't have to work hard!

Yubba, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby dum!

If I were a biddy, biddy rich—idle, deidle, daidle, daidle, daidle, man!

I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen, right in the middle of the

town!

A fine tin roof and real wooden floors below!

There would be one long staircase just going up—

And another just for going down—

And one more leading nowhere just for show!

I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese—

And ducks for the town to see and hear!

Squawking just as noisily as they can!

And each AGAY, and AGO, and ACAY, and ACA—

Will land like a trumpet on the ear!

As if to say, 'Here lives a wealthy man!'

If I were a rich man—

Yubba, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dum!

All day long I'd biddy, biddy, bum—

If I were a wealthy man!

{dances around the stage with his arms in the air.}

I wouldn't have to work hard—

Yubba, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dum!

If I were a biddy, biddy rich—

deidle, diedle, diedle, diedle man!

IF I WERE A WEALTHY—MAN!

There was a bit of applause and then Fernald and Flo marched on up to the stage.

"This is a song about our unending love for one another!"

Fernald nodded.

Flo continued for him, "It'll blow your minds—"

TONIGHT {from _West Side Story_}

Flo: Tonight, tonight—

It all began tonight—

I saw you and the world went away!

Tonight, tonight, there's only you tonight—

What you are, what you do—what you say!

Fernald: Today, all day, I've had the feeling—

A miracle would happen—

I know now, I was right—

Fernald and Flo: For here you are—

And what was just a world is a star!

TONIGHT!

Tonight—

Tonight—

The world is full of light!

With suns and moons—

All over the place—

Tonight, tonight—

The world is wild and bright!

Going mad, shooting sparks into space!

Today, the world was just an address—

A place for me to live in—

No better than alright—

But here you are—

And what was just a world is a star!

TONIGHT!

"PLEASE!" I shouted out to the crowd, "Just one more song! And no more than that!

The neighbors will think we're having a rave!"

To my surprise the last singer was Carmelita, who dragged PM1 onto the stage with her.

"What the hell are you doing?" he whispered to her, "Making a name for myself!" she whispered back.

She turned to the audience and began, "Here's a little number about me. Sort of."

I'M SHY {From _Once Upon a Mattress_}

Carmelita: {speaking} Anyway—so here I am! Who's the lucky man?

{singing, turning to PM1}

Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you?

PM1: Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, no!

{Carmelita jumps off the stage and confronts me}

Carmelita: Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you?

Me: Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, no!

Carmelita: {pointing at scores of random men in the crowd}Hey, nonny, nonny, is it

you? Or you? Or you? Or—.

Duncan: {stricken} Nonny, nonny, nonny...

Violet: No! No! No!

Carmelita: Someone's being bashful—

That's no way to be—

Not with me—

Can't you see that I am just as embarrassed as you?

And I understand your point of view—

I've always been—SHY!

I confess that I'm shy!

Can't you guess that this confident air is a mask that I wear 'cause I'm shy—

And you can be SURE—

Way deep down I'm DEMURE!

Though some people I know may deny it—

At bottom I'm quiet and pure.

I'm aware that it's wrong to be meek as I am—

My chances may pass me by—

I pretend to be strong!

But as weak as I am—all I can do is try—

God knows I TRY!

Though I'm frightened and SHY!

And despite the impression I give—

I confess that I'm living a lie!

Because I'm actually terribly timid—

AND HORRIBLY—SHY!

"Please, everyone, refreshments will be served in the parlor!" I called after the

music finally stopped.

"We don't have a Parlor, idiot!" PM1 reprimanded my habit of calling the living room 'the parlor'.

"Crap!" Sunny screamed suddenly, reminding me that I was still holding her.

"What's wrong, Sunny?" I asked tiredly.

"Laid an egg." she stated solemnly.

"You're a very disgusting baby." I told her.

"Change me."

A/N: Book 4 is done! Isn't that just marvelous?

Now, you are clearly wondering a few things:

WHERE ARE THE BAUDES GOING?

WHERE HAVE THE QUAGS GONE?

ARE OLIVIA AND RICHIE TRULY DEAD?

WHERE HAVE ALL THOSE OTHER ENTERTAINING GROUPS OF PEOPLE GONE?

WHEN WILL THE BAUDES DRINK THE ELIXIR AND END THEIR MUTATION AT LONG LAST?

WILL THEY FIND THE QUAGS SO THEY CAN GIVE THEM THE ELIXIR?

HOW MANY WOMEN WILL OLAF THROW ASIDE?

WILL SUNNY EVER MOVE ON TO NEW MEN?

WHERE IS THE 'REALM OF THE SERPENT'?

IS THE 'BALD AVENGER' ACTUALLY BERTRAND?

IF HE ISN'T BERTRAND THAN WHO IS HE?

HOW WILL FERNALD AND FLO'S NEW RELATIONSHIP WORK OUT?

Most of these questions and more will be answered next story!

Speaking of which, Book 5 will be based on _The Reptile Room_ and will be called, _The Demon Room_. Also, there will be far less songs. Also, also, you may have noticed that each book in the series so far has spoofed a certain genre. _The Queer Academy _spoofed high-school romance, _The Crappy Village_ parodied murder-mystery stories, _The Third Peril_ poked fun at slasher films and _The Wicked _

_Carnival_ made us laugh at two famous musicals: _The Phantom of the Opera_ and _Wicked_. _The Demon Room _will parody horror movies, while still being funny, of course.

Four books done—nine to go.

Book 5 Coming Next Friday!:)

THE END


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